Sunday Family Humour 7th February Page 2
Sunday Family Humour 7th February Page 2
Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour
A very special thank you to all contributors.
Busted
Thanks to Tony
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend.
They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver.
Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation.
Speaking in a cheery voice, the woman says,
"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you.
That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. OK. Bye-bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks,
"Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies,
"that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you
Redneck Bumper Stickers
Thanks to Tony
You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down
depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night..
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are
'Gentlemen, start your engines'.
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at
the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Russian Rednecks
Thanks to Blain
Top Ten Extraordinary People in the World
Thanks to Ray O.
1. Kim Ung-Yong: Attended University at age 4, Ph.D at age 15; world’s highest IQ
This Korean super-genius was born in 1962 and might just be the smartest guy alive today (he’s recognized by the Guinness Book of World Records as having the highest IQ of anyone on the planet). By the age of four he was already able to read in Japanese, Korean, German, and English. At his fifth birthday, he solved complicated differential and integral calculus problems. Later, on Japanese television, he demonstrated his proficiency in Chinese, Spanish, Vietnamese, Tagalog, German, English, Japanese, and Korean. Kim was listed in the Guinness Book of World Records under “Highest IQ”; the book estimated the boy’s score at over 210.
Kim was a guest student of physics at Hanyang University from the age of 3 until he was 6. At the age of 7 he was invited to America by NASA. He finished his university studies, eventually getting a Ph.D. in physics at Colorado State University before he was 15. In 1974, during his university studies, he began his research work at NASA and continued this work until his return to Korea in 1978 where he decided to switch from physics to civil engineering and eventually received a doctorate in that field. Kim was offered the chance to study at the most prestigious universities in Korea , but instead chose to attend a provincial university. As of 2007 he also serves as adjunct faculty at Chungbuk National University
2. Gregory Smith: Nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize at age 12
Born in 1990, Gregory Smith could read at age two and had enrolled in university at 10. But “genius” is only one half of the Greg Smith story. When not voraciously learning, this young man travels the globe as a peace and children’s rights activist.
He is the founder of International Youth Advocates, an organization that promotes principles of peace and understanding among young people throughout the world. He has met with Bill Clinton and Mikhail Gorbachev and spoke in front of the UN. For these and other humanitarian and advocacy efforts, Smith has been nominated four times for a Nobel Peace Prize. His latest achievement? He just got his driver license.
3. Akrit Jaswal: The Seven Year-Old Surgeon
Akrit Jaswal is a young Indian who has been called “the world’s smartest boy” and it’s easy to see why. His IQ is 146 and is considered the smartest person his age in India - a country of more than a billion people.
Akrit came to public attention when in 2000 he performed his first medical procedure at his family home. He was seven. His patient — a local girl who could not afford a doctor — was eight. Her hand had been burnt in a fire, causing her fingers to close into a tight fist that wouldn’t open. Akrit had no formal medical training and no experience of surgery, yet he managed to free her fingers and she was able to use her hand again.
He focused his phenomenal intelligence on medicine and at the age of twelve he claimed to be on the verge of discovering a cure for cancer. He is now studying for a science degree at Chandigarh College and is the youngest student ever accepted by an Indian University
4. Cleopatra Stratan: a 3 year old singer who earns 1000€ per song
Clepotra was born October 6, 2002 in Chisinau, Moldova and is the daughter of Moldovan-Romanian singer, Pavel Stratan. She is the youngest person ever to score commercial success as a singer, with her 2006 album La vârsta de trei ani (”At the age of 3″).. She holds the record for being the youngest artist that performed live for two hours in front of a large audience, the highest paid young artist, the youngest artist to receive an MTV award and the youngest artist to score a #1 hit in a country (”Ghita” in Romanian Singles Chart).
5. Aelita Andre: The 2-year-old artist who showed her paintings in a famous Gallery
The abstract paintings of emerging artist Aelita Andre have people in Australia’s art world talking. Aelita is two (the works were painted when she was even younger).
Aelita got an opportunity to show her paintings when Mark Jamieson, the director of Brunswick Street Gallery in Melbourne’s Fitzroy, was asked by a photographer whose work he represented to consider the work of another artist. Jamieson liked what he saw and agreed to include it in a group show.
Jamieson then started to promote the show, printing glossy invitations and placing ads in the magazines Art Almanac and Art Collector, featuring the abstract work. Only then did he discover a crucial fact about the new artist: Aelita Andre is Kalashnikova’s daughter, and was just 22 months old. Jamieson was shocked and embarrassed but decided to proceed with the exhibition anyways.
6. Saul Aaron Kripke: Invited to apply for a teaching post at Harvard while still in high school
A rabbi’s son, Saul Aaron Kripke was born in New York and grew up in Omaha in 1940. By all accounts he was a true prodigy. In the fourth grade he discovered algebra, and by the end of grammar school he had mastered geometry and calculus and taken up philosophy. While still a teenager he wrote a series of papers that eventually transformed the study of modal logic. One of them earned a letter from the math department at Harvard, which hoped he would apply for a job until he wrote back and declined, explaining, “My mother said that I should finish high school and go to college first”. After finishing high school, the college he eventually chose was Harvard.
Kripke was awarded the Schock Prize, philosophy’s equivalent of the Nobel. Nowadays, he is thought to be the world’s greatest living philosopher.
7. Michael Kevin Kearney: earned his first degree at age 10 and became a reality show Millionaire.
24 year-old Michael Kearney became known as the world’s youngest college graduate at the age of 10. In 2008, Kearney earned $1,000,000 on the television game show Who Wants to be a Millionaire?
Kearny was born in 1984 and is known for setting several world records and teaching college at the age of 17. He spoke his first words at four months. At the age of six months, he said to his pediatrician “I have a left ear infection” and learned to read at the age of ten months.. When Michael was four, he was given diagnostic tests for the Johns Hopkins precocious math program and achieved a perfect score. He finished high school at age 6, enrolled at Santa Rosa Junior College graduating at 10 with an Associate of Science in Geology. He is listed in the Guinness Book as the world’s youngest university graduate at the age of 10, receiving a bachelor’s degree in anthropology. For a while, he also held the record for the world’s youngest postgraduate. But in 2006, he became worldwide famous after reaching the finals on the Mark Burnett/AOL quiz/puzzle game Gold Rush, and became the first $1 million winner in the online reality game.
8. Fabiano Caruana: a chess prodigy who became the youngest Grandmaster at age 14
Fabulous Fabiano is a 16-year-old chess Grandmaster and chess prodigy with dual citizenship of Italy and the United States.
On 2007 Caruana became a Grandmaster at the age of 14 years, 11 months, 20 days – the youngest Grandmaster in the history of both Italy and the United States . In the April 2009 FIDE list, he has an Elo rating of 2649, making him the world’s highest ranked player under the age of 18.
9. Willie Mosconi: played professional Billiards at age 6
William Joseph Mosconi, nicknamed “Mr. Pocket Billiards” was a American professional pocket billiards (pool) player from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania Willie’s father owned a pool hall where he wasn’t allowed to play, but Willie improvised by practicing with small potatoes from his mother’s kitchen and an old broomstick. His father soon realized that his son was a child prodigy began advertising challenge matches, and though Willie had to stand on a box in order to reach the table, he beat experienced players many years his senior.
In 1919, an exhibition match was arranged between six-year old Willie and the reigning World Champion, Ralph Greenleaf. The hall was packed, and though Greenleaf won that match, Willie played very well launching his career in professional billiards. In 1924, at the tender age of eleven, Willie was the juvenile straight pool champion and was regularly holding trick shot exhibitions.
Between the years of 1941 and 1957, he won the BCA World Championship of pool an unmatched fifteen times. Mosconi pioneered and employed numerous trick shots, set many records, and helped to popularize the game of billiards. He still holds the officially recognized straight pool high run record of 526 consecutive balls.
10. Elaina Smith: youngest agony aunt aged 7
Her local radio station gave her the job after she rang and offered advice to a woman caller who had been dumped. Elaina’s tip — go bowling with pals and drink a mug of milk — was so good she got a weekly slot and now advises thousands of adult listeners. The littler adviser tackles problems ranging from how to dump boyfriends and how to cope with relationship breakdown to dealing with smelly brothers.
When one listener wrote to Elaina asking how to get a man, she replied: “Shake your booty on the dance floor and listen to High School Musical”. Another caller asked how to get her man back, Elaina told her: “He’s not worth the heartache. Life’s too short to be upset with a boy.”
Ten Great Tips For 2010
Thanks to Ray M.
1. Stay out of trouble.
2. Aim for greater heights.
3. Stay focused on your job.
4. Exercise to maintain good health.
5. Practice team work.
6. Rely on your trusted partner to watch your back.
7. Save for rainy days.
8. Rest and relax.
9. Always take time to smile.
AND
10. Realize that nothing is impossible.
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.
And remember this:
"You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!!!"
Ole and Sven
Thanks to Bill S.
Ole and Sven were fishing in the Minnesota opener when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.
'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then, reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long..
'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'
'Vell,' replied Ole, I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.
'Ya, shure It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.
'Could I see him?'
Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks... Flying directly overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'
Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"
Edgar Muesller's latest 3D project
Thanks to Lee
This is the artist who paints the 3D pictures on sidewalks and road beds. New stuff! Amazing depth perception! Enjoy, Steve W.
Mueller surveys his 'canvas', located at the West India Quay on London 's Isle of Dogs
The artist puts down his first strokes as the scene begins to take shape
Mueller paints stalactites to add realism and detail to his piece.
Mueller said he wanted the artwork to appear as if the cave was unearthed by an earthquake.
Curious locals inspect the 100-square-metre scene.
When viewed from the opposite angle, the 3D image disappears.
Edgar Mueller's previous artwork had to contend with rain in Ireland earlier this year.
Mueller used a hair dryer to desperately fix the soggy paintwork.
By day two, 'The Crevasse' begins to take shape.
Mueller hurries while the weather is fine.
The final touches are made on day five of the exhausting assignment.
Locals delight in experiencing the interactive artwork.
This apocalyptic scene was previously created in the German town of Geldern ..
Another earlier project, 'Turning Riverstreet into a river' in Moosejaw , Canada ...
