Belgian Rally

Thanks to David H.

A particularly difficult bend catches out many drivers

A 75 Year Old Lady

rings her local hospital and this conversation follows:

'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree.

She was admitted last week with chest pains

and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'Do you know which ward she is in?'

'Yes, ward P, room 2B'

'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'

'Hello, ward P, how can I help?'

'I would just like some information on a patient,Mrs Tiptree,

I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'I'll just check her notes.

I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved.

She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.'

'Oh that's wonderful news,

I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!'

'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?'

'No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you anything at all in here

Irish Traffic Lights

The Cuckoo Clock

Thanks to Larry

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....

If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of

humour.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in our hallway started up

and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another

9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted

solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him

'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo

clock.'

When I asked him why, he said,

'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.'

Cuckooed 4 more times,

cleared its

throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled,

cuckooed twice more,

and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

One cent beer

Thanks to Tony

Two Catholic Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots,

But they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers!

Do you want to have some fun?'

That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

then he thought for a moment.

'You know,' he said,

'I may have a solution to your problem.

I have two male talking parrots,

which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll

put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,

And your parrots are sure to stop saying . .

That phrase . . In no time.'

Thank you,' the woman responded,

'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots

were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:

"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot

And exclaimed,

"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!'