Sunday Family Humour 9th August Page 2
Sunday Family Humour 9th August Page 2
Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour
A very special thank you to all contributors.
The Italian Grandma
A young Italian girl was going on a date.
Her Nonna said: 'Sita here ana letame tella you about this-a younga boy.
He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat, but don't let him do dat.
He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea dat
too, but don'ta let him do dat eeda.
But mosta important, he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are
agonna really likea dat, but don'ta let him do dat for sure.
Doing thata willa disgraza our family.
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.
The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted:
'And Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace our family as you said.
When he tried to lay on top of me, I just rolled him over, got on top of him, and
disgraced HIS family!'
Nonna fainted!!
COLOURS
Microsoft Tec Support
We've all talked to this guy...At Last....A Picture of Him.
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.
The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar,
you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green .'
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
'Mister manager, I am ready.'
The manager said, 'Go ahead.'
Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green,
and I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar.'
Mujibar now works at a call center.
No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.
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Redneck Life
Yard Swing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Redneck passed away and left his entire
estate to his beloved widow . . .
but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
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Cooler
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How do you know when you're
staying in a Redneck motel?
When you call the front desk and say,
I gotta leak in my sink, and the
clerk replies, 'Go ahead'.
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Cellar
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Redneck Garden
~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum
drinking age for Rednecks to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol
out of the high schools.
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Redneck Limo
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a
Redneck murder:
1) The DNA is all the same
2) There are no dental records
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Redneck Mailbox
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Who
invented the toothbrush ?
A Redneck.
(If it had been invented by anyone else,
it would have been a teeth brush)
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Redneck Time Out
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Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery ?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
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Redneck Weenie Roast
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A new Redneck law was just recently passed
When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
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Redneck Wheelchair
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear that the Redneck governor's mansion burned down ?
'Yep.. Prit'near took out the whole trailer park.. The library was a total
loss too. Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the governor hadn't
even finished coloring one of them.'
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Redneck Thanksgiving
(if Norman Rockwell were a Redneck)
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A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16
and says to the driver, 'Got any! I.D. ? ' . .
and the driver replies 'Bout wut?'
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Redneck Christmas Sleigh
Irish Medical Terms
Artery......................... The study of paintings.
Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria.
Barium........................ What doctors do when patients die.
Benign........................ .. What you be, after you be eight.
Caesarean Section...............A neighbourhood in Rome .
Catscan......................... Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her.
Colic.......................... 20 A sheep dog.
Coma........................... A punctuation mark.
Dilate......................... To live long.
Enema........................... Not a friend.
Fester......................... Quicker than someone else.
Fibula........................ A small lie.
Impotent...................... Distinguished, well known.
Labour Pain................. Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane.
Morbid.......................... A higher offer.
Nitrates....................... Cheaper than day rates.
Node............................ I knew it.
Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted.
Pelvis......................... Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative............ A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.............. Place to do upholstery.
Rectum..................... Nearly killed him.
Secretion.................. Hiding something.
Seizure..................... Roman emperor.
Tablet....................... A small table.
Terminal Illness............ Getting sick at the airport.
Tumour....................... One plus one more.
Urine......................... Opposite of you're out.
2xCondoms.................. To be sure, to be sure
What Starts with F and ends with K
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students
The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.
If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry:
'9.'
Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry:
'36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal,
'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Harry: 'Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks:
'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubblegum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
'Put Harry in the fifth-grade,..................... I got the last seven questions wrong.....'