Sunday Family Humour 12th April

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

A very special thank you to all contributors.

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Jokes

Gimme another beer (best blond joke)

A guy orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It

hits the blond woman's boobs and splashes all over them. The bartender goes

over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.

Each time the guy calls for another beer this happens. So after his third beer,

he decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender hit her

boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts and she decks him!

He is laying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady... Why do you let the bartender

do it?'

'Duh,' says the blond, 'He has a licker license!'

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Can you believe this? This guy won £18 million in the lottery last Wednesday, and then he finds the love of his life just two days later.

Man! Talk about LUCK!

Hello All of My Lady Friends

Please do not dismiss this email without reading it fully. I am only

sending it to all of you because I love you, and I have been a victim of

the crime described therein.

Theft Problem - IMPORTANT MESSAGE

You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys

removed by black-market organ thieves.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to

sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick.

The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were

these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my

thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life

in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.

My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to

match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier.

But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my orig inal!

I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was

fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to

and fro wi th the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary -

my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me

next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey

neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world, wake up and smell

the hot chocolate! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body

parts - stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has

something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?

THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P. S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my Breasts. I was lying in

bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to

see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep

them hidden in my waistband.

Thought this was too 'important' not to pass on. Have a wonderful day -

with a joy filled heart.

These same thieves went to my closet and shrink my clothes! How do they do it????

Best regards,

=========================================

"Importance of Walking"

Walking 20 minutes can add to your life..

This enables you at 95 years old

to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing

home at $7000 per month.

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My grandpa started walking

five miles a day when he was 60.

Now he's 97 years old

and we don't know where he is.

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I like long walks,

especially when they are taken

by people who annoy me.

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The only reason I would take up walking

is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

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I have to walk early in the morning,

before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

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I joined a health club last year,

spent about 400 bucks.

Haven't lost a pound.

Apparently you have to go there!

*************************************************************************************

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',

I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

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I do have flabby thighs,

but fortunately my stomach covers them.

**************************************************************************************************************************

The advantage of exercising every day

is so when you die, they'll say,

'Well, he looks good doesn't he?'

**************************************************************************************************************************

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,

start with a small country.

**************************************************************************************************************************

I know I got a lot of exercise

the last few years ...

just getting over the hill.

**************************************************************************************************************************

We all get heavier as we get older,

because there's a lot more information in our heads.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

**************************************************************************************************************************

AND

Every time I start thinking too much

about how I look,

I just find a Happy Hour

and by the time I leave,

I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends,

But it's much easier to just e-mail it to them!

Handy Engineering Conversions

- Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

- 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

- 1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope

- Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond

- Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram

- Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong

- 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling

- Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

- 1000 aches: 1 megahurtz

- Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

- Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line (think about it for a moment)

- 453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake

- 1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone

- 1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles

- 365.25 days: 1 unicycle

- 2000 mockingbirds: 2 kilomockingbirds

- 10 cards: 1 decacards

- 1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton

- 1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen

- 1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche

- 1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin

- 10 rations: 1 decoration

- 100 rations: 1 C-ration

- 2 monograms: 1 diagram

- 8 nickels: 2 paradigms

- 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League

- 100 Senators: Not 1 decision

Loving or Funny pictures and videos

Jasmine

In 2003, police in Warwickshire , England , opened a garden shed and found a whimpering, cowering dog. It had been locked in the shed and abandoned. It was dirty and malnourished, and had clearly been abused.

In an act of kindness, the police took the dog, which was a Greyhound female, to the nearby NuneatonWarwickshire Wildlife Sanctuary, run by a man named Geoff Grewcock and known as a willing haven for Animals abandoned, orphaned or otherwise in need.

Geoffand the other sanctuary staff went to work with two aims to restore the dog to full health, and to win her trust. It took several weeks, but eventually both goals were achieved.

They named her Jasmine, and they started to think about finding her an adoptive home.

But Jasmine had other ideas.. No-one remembers now how it began, but she started welcoming all Animal arrivals at the sanctuary. It wouldn't matter if it was a puppy, a fox cub, a rabbit or, any other lost or hurting Animal, Jasmine would peer into the box or cage and, where possible, deliver a welcoming lick.

Geoff relates one of the early incidents. "We had two puppies that had been abandoned by a nearby railway line. One was a Lakeland Terrier cross and another was a Jack Russell Doberman cross. They were tiny when they arrived at the centre and Jasmine approached them and grabbed one by the scruff of the neck in her mouth and put him on the settee. Then she fetched the other one and sat down with them, cuddling them."

"But she is like that with all of our animals, even the rabbits. She takes all the stress out of them and it helps them to not only feel close to her but to settle into their new surroundings.

"She has done the same with the fox and badger cubs, she licks the rabbits and guinea pigs and even lets the birds perch on the bridge of her nose."

Jasmine, the timid, abused, deserted waif, became the animal sanctuary's resident surrogate mother, a role for which she might have been born. The list of orphaned and abandoned youngsters she has cared for comprises five fox cubs, four badger cubs, 15 chicks, eight guinea pigs, two stray puppies and 15 rabbits.

And one roe deer fawn. Tiny Bramble, 11 weeks old, was found semi-conscious in a field. Upon arrival at the sanctuary, Jasmine cuddled up to her to keep her warm, and then went into the full foster mum role. Jasmine the greyhound showers Bramble the Roe deer with affection and makes sure nothing is matted.

"They are inseparable," says Geoff "Bramble walks between her legs and they keep kissing each other. They walk together round the sanctuary.

It's a real treat to see them."

Jasmine will continue to care for Bramble until she is old enough to be returned to woodland life. When that happens, Jasmine will not be lonely. She will be too busy showering love and affection on the next Orphan or victim of abuse.

From left, Toby, a stray Lakeland dog; Bramble, orphaned Roe deer; Buster, a stray Jack Russell; a dumped rabbit; Sky, an injured barn owl; and Jasmine with a Mothers heart doing best what a caring Mother would do... Such is the order of God's Creation..

Some KODAK MOMENTS