Sunday Family Humour 29th November 2009 Page 2
Sunday Family Humour 29th November 2009 Page 2
Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour, 11th November and every Sunday
A very special thank you to all contributors.
The Beer Scam
MAKE SURE YOU CLICK ON BEER DEMO AT THE END OF MESSAGE
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs,
parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.
Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called ' Beer ' .
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere.
It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs..
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars
to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer
and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
After several Beers , men will often succumb
to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened
to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings,
in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship' .
In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please warn every male you know.
If you fall victim to this ' Beer ' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
For the support group nearest you, just look up RUGBY CLUB in the phone book.
For a video to see how Beer works click here:
Clean can be funny
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.
*****************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
********************************************
#3
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. *************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
******************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.' ********************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my gosh!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!
Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.
You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied,
'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.' ********************************************************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
Australian Etiquette
Thanks to Tony
IN GENERAL
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will,
it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine from the box,
tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly,
this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.
THEATRE ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen.
Tests have proven they can't hear you.
DATING
1. Always OFFER to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity.
(Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux.
A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean bundy t.shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles,
even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout,
the vehicle with the largest bull bar DOESN”T always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can,
it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer .
They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right
After 8 pots I talk crap and can't drive!
Typical American
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)
Scientists at Roll Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens
at the windshields of airliners and military jets, all travelling at maximum
velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions
with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
windshields of their new high-speed trains.
Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired,
the engineers watched in shock as the chicken hurled out of the barrel,
crashed into the shatterproof shield,
smashed it to smithereens,
blasted through the control console,
snapped the engineer's
back-rest in two
and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.
The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the film of the disastrous results of
the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the
British scientists for suggestions.
You're going to love this......
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo
"Defrost the chicken."