Sunday Family Humour 31st October

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

A very special thank you to all contributors.

Page 1 Page 2

TOMMY COOPER - COMIC GENIUS

Thanks to Ray

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........

you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message -

'...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.

The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'

The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak andheatit.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'

'that sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.’

Is it common?

‘It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet.

'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'

'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '

'No, because he's really heavy'

14. Guy goes into the doctor's.

'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.'

'How's that?'

'Don't you start.'

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

'Can you give me a lift?'

I said 'Sure, you look great; the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.

There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my Dad,or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?

But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other

'Your round”.

The other one says 'So are you, you fat b*****d!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen.

It said, 'Parking Fine.’so that was nice.'

22. A man walked into the doctors,

he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'

The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night'

Do Dogs go to Heaven?

Thanks to Blain

Hysterical! Absolutely unreal that this actually happened!

These two churches face each other across a busy street.

How to tell when a Catholic is driving too fast

Jewish Olympics

The Quarter Trick

Thanks to Bill S.

To receive the weekly link to the latest Sunday Family humour,

send an email to dgwest7@gmail.com

saying subscribe Sunday Family Humour.

No costs, nothing else needed. Welcome and thank you.

Sights Around the World

Thanks to Blain

Google Presentation

British Survey

Thanks to David H.

Chinese eye test

Thanks to Ray

THIS IS BRILLIANT!!!

If you cannot decipher anything, then try pulling

the corner of your eyes, as if you were Chinese.

It works .

Giant caterpillar found in College Dorm Room

Thanks to Cindy

Little Johnny

Thanks to Ray

The teacher started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?'

'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

* * * * * * * * * * *

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.

Little Johnny asked, " Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.. After a few minutes,

Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'

His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ...'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Wildlife Photographer of the Year 2009

Prize goes to leaping wolf

Thanks to Ray

An Iberian wolf strides over a fence, its eyes intent on a tasty meal in the next field.

This stunning image won the Veolia Environement Wildlife Photographer of the Year, organised by the Natural History Museum and BBC Wildlife Magazine.

This year was a bumper year with 43,135 entries from 94 countries – up 33 per cent on 2008. The best 100 images in the competition will go on show from October 23 at the Natural History Museum in London.

The competition manager, Gemma Webster, said: 'While the UK and the US remain our major source of entrants, the greatest growth in entries is happening in China and Russia.'

Judge Mark Hardy, who stars in BBC's Last Chance To See said: 'These pictures are the best of the best. We're finding digital cameras are increasing the quality of the shots as the photographers can change elements such as the exposure while they are still in the field.'

An Iberian wolf jumps a fence intent on his dinner in this stunning photo by Jose Luis Rodriguez

Winning photographer Jose Luis Rodriguez, from Spain, was amazed by his win.

Speaking through an interpreter he said: 'I'm terribly happy - this picture defines my career. I had dreamt about taking a picture like this for years but I could only realise my vision now with the help of electronic and infrared technology.'

Homegrown photographer Danny Green was thrilled to win the Nature Black and White award for his photo entitled Starling Wave.

'This image was the result of a long-term project over the winter,' he told MailOnline.

'I had been commissioned for a couple of days work by the RSPB but ended up spending months pursuing the perfect image. I had visited Somerset, the West Pier in Brighton and Norfolk, but in the end settled on this huge roost in Gretna Green. At its peak there were 1.5million birds in the sky.'

Mr Green, who has had a handful of category wins in previous years of the competition, said black and white photography was his favourite medium to work with. 'I love the bleakness and the contrast in this shot,' he said.

He used a slow-shutter speed to emphasise the swooping movement of the birds' flight.

At first it looks like a pencil drawing. In fact, this impressive black cloud contains hundreds of thousands of starlings. They swerve and dive in panic as they avoid a marauding peregrine falcon

The judges heaped praise on 16-year-old Fergus Gill from Scotland, who won the 15-17 years category at the awards. 'This picture really leapt out at us,' Judge Mark Hardy said.

'You first see the yellowhammer on the left and then realise there is another bird on the right. It has perfect composition.'

Fergus Gill put some corn aside one summer with the idea of getting some gorgeous winter shots months ahead.

'I looked at the weather forecast and realised it was going to snow so I put some of the corn out in my back garden,' he said.

'Because all the other plants were covered with snow there were dozens of birds fighting for this corn.'

It took 16-year-old Fergus Gill two days to capture this remarkable picture of yellowhammers fighting over a sheaf of oats

One of the most extraordinary pictures at the exhibition is a picture showing a cat squaring up to a fox three times her size. It belongs to Russian photographer Igor Shpilenok who took her with him on a four-month trip deep into an icy nature reserve.

'If you spend four months in a cabin you need some company so I took my cat Ryska with me to talk to,' he told MailOnline.

'It's funny because she is so shy in the city, but when I was out there she would stand up to foxes, wolverines and even bears!

'She was brave because she knew I was standing behind her. Once a bear tried to swipe at her and she rushed up to me and climbed onto my shoulder.'

Cats are highly territorial, but photographer Igor Spilenok's pet was a little foolhardy in squaring up to this fox

Two macaque monkeys fight over a specially designed water tap that drips once every five minutes

Amateur British photographer Andrew Forsyth snapped his own action-packed photo when on holiday in Jaipur, India. Here at Monkey Temple the locals and tourists have a good relationship with the macaque monkeys.

Mr Forsyth said: 'The monkeys are often given food but have trouble finding clean water, especially in the dry season. So the locals set up a special water tap that drips once every few minutes.

'I came across one monkey holding onto this pipe and waiting intently for the water to drop. Then another monkey came up and tried to pull him out of the way. In the end I think they both missed the drop.'

The Wildlife Photographer of the Year 2009 will run until 11 April 2010 at the Natural History Museum in London. For more information visit their website at www.nhm.ac.uk