Sunday Humour 2nd August Page 2

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

A very special thank you to all contributors.

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Quote of the day:

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.

This enables you, at 85 years old,

to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing

home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking

five miles a day when he was 60.

Now he's 97 years old

and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks...

especially when they are taken

by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking

is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning...

before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I joined a health club last year,

spent about 400 bucks.

Haven't lost a pound.

Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise,'

I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs

but, fortunately, my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day

is so, when you die, they'll say,

'Well, she/he looks good, huh?'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,

start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise

the last few years,...... just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

SPEEDING IN NORTH DAKOTA

GOOD: Fargo , ND policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem- a 12- year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD'. The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

> BETTER: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Grand Forks , ND . A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

> BEST: A Young woman was pulled over for speeding. A North Dakota State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball. 'He replied, 'North Dakota State Troopers don't have balls.' There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.*

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A Killer Service

One Saturday morning, the rabbi noticed little David staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the synagogue. It was covered with names and small flags were mounted on either side. The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time and finally asked the rabbi, "Rabbi, what is this?"

"Well David, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

"Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little David's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one the Friday night, or Saturday service?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*****~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A young man struck up a communication with a young lass in a singles bar. All went well until he admitted he was a dentist, at which point she lost interest. The next evening and again the next, pretty much the same thing happened.

Finally on the fourth night the bartender, who had overheard much of what transpired, took the dentist aside and explained that this was primarily a lawyers’ hangout and most of the women patrons seemed to prefer them.

The dentist took the hint and told the next young woman he found that he was a partner at Babble, Grabble, and Scrabble. She was enthusiastic and before long he happily found himself testing the softness of her feather bed.

As he gave way to the delights of the moment he thought, “Hey, this is great. I’ve only been a lawyer for an hour and I’m already screwing someone.

Good Name!

At last Gordon Brown decided to throw the towel in and resign. His cabinet colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him. So a senior 'Sir Humphrey' went from Whitehall to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the possibilities.

"They have a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," a specially-sought consultant told the top civil servant. "Mostly freight locomotives though."

"Oh dear, that's not very fitting for a prime minister," said Sir Humphrey. "How about that big green one, over there ?" he said, pointing to 4472 Flying Scotsman.

"That's already got a name" said the consultant. "It's called 'Flying Scotsman'."

"Oh. Couldn't it be renamed ?" asked Sir Humphrey. "This is a national museum after all, funded by the taxpayer."

"I suppose it might be considered," said the consultant. "After all the LNER renamed a number of their locomotives after directors of the company, and even renamed one of them Dwight D Eisenhower."

"That's excellent", said Sir Humphrey, "So that's settled then...let's look at renaming 4472. But how much will it cost ? We can't spend too much, given the expenses scandal !"

"Well", said the consultant, "Why don't we just paint out the 'F'?"

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Two Line Rhymes

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION

ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME

WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,

AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.

That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;

This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,

But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other

-- that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's

empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;

But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes

Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,

Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime.

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?

A tour of Italy with Pavarotti

See you next week

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