Sunday Humour 19th July Page 2

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

A very special thank you to all contributors.

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Ten Great Tips

1. Stay out of trouble.

SERENITY

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'

'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'

'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.

She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, New knees, fought prostate cancer and

diabetes I'm half blind, Can't hear anything quieter

than a jet engine, Take 40 different medications that

Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation;

Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't

remember if I'm 89 or 98. Have lost all my friends.

But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,

So I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club

and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobic

class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped

up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,

By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also,

my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the

wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises

as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says,

' For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility

to forget the people I never liked anyway,

the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and

the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with

5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch

of your friends if you can remember who they are!

Always Remember This:

You don't stop laughing because you grow old,

You grow old because you stop laughing!!!

NO PUN IN TEN DID

1. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became

a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to

much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

2. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it

sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

3. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar

and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

4. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying three dead raccoons. The

stewardess looks at them and says, "Sorry, gentlemen, only two carrions allowed per

passenger."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the

lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager

came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they

moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a

family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain, and they

name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon

receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes that she also had a picture

of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen

Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small

florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a

rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers

to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They

ignored him, so the rival florist hired Hugh Mac Taggert, the roughest and most vicious

thug in town to pursue them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store

saying he would be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, proving that,

only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which

produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made

him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath, this made him

what? Oh, man, this is so bad... A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was a person who sent ten different puns to friends,

with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately,

No Pun In Ten Did.

Amazing Ball Skills

Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum

See you next week

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