Sunday Family Humour 10th January page 3

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

A very special thank you to all contributors.

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CHINESE SICK LEAVE :

Thanks to Bill S.

'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'

Hung Chow calls into work and says,

'Hey, I no come worktoday, I really sick .

Got headache, stomach ache and legs

hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says,

'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.

When I feel sick like you do, I go to mywife and tell her to give me Sex.

That Makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.

'I do what You say and I feel Great..

I be at work soon.........

You got nice house'

CARTOON OF THE YEAR

Thanks to David H

Another look at the Harbin Ice Festival

Thanks to Tony

Google Presentation

Breaking News

Thanks to Butch

A teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values." They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 4 sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If Allah had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow.

Thought you might like these

Thanks to Mark E.

Man goes to the doctors and says 'I think I'm hard of hearing'.

The Dr. asks "What are the symptoms?"

He says 'It's a cartoon on Channel 4'.

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I remember the year my uncle went to prison for forgery.

It was around the same time I stopped getting birthday cards from Pamela Anderson.

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According to BBC News, the father of the Nigerian who attempted to blow up the Delta airliner whilst approaching Detroit had already emailed US authorities to warn them about his son's extreme anti American views. This man happened to be a very wealthy banker.

You can imagine the email arriving at the US Government's offices:

Good afternoon, I am a wealthy Nigerian banker......................................

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A Liberal is just a Conservative that hasn't been mugged yet.

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Viz top tips:

BONO. TAKE the piss by spending thousands of pounds on pink tinted sunglasses then ask the working class to give to charity.

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FOREIGNERS. Improve your English swearword vocabulary by dawdling aimlessly with your friends in front of the entrance to Oxford Circus tube station at 5.30pm every afternoon. Advanced linguists might like to try zig-zagging down the steps at a snail's pace while texting everyone back home.

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READERS. Don't waste money buying a copy of Bridget Jones' Diary. Simply dig out your twenty year-old copy of The Diary of Adrian Mole and cross out all the references to 'spots, replacing them with 'fat arse'.

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BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

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EARN BIG money by displaying a "How's My Driving?" sign on your car, along with an 0906 number ( £1.50 per minute) which you can acquire through BT.

Then simply drive around town like a complete arsehole.

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IF A MEMBER of your family suffers with Parkinson's disease, increase their self esteem and sense of worth by making sure they are the first to handle a new bottle of sauce at mealtimes

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LADIES. When invited to a Buckingham Palace garden party, go wearing hair rollers, so that the Queen will think you are going somewhere REALLY important afterwards

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DRIVERS. When the salesgirl in your local petrol station holds your banknote up to the light, simply wink at her, laughingly telling her "the ink's still wet!" .

Trust me, she won't have heard this one before, and you might even get a shag.

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PLACING your penis in the bottom of your girlfriends popcorn box will give her a real shock at the cinema. Especially if you're at home watching football at the time.

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TRANSSEXUALS. Make yourself feel more like a woman by driving a car badly whilst talking bollocks

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BBC SPORT newsreaders. Save time by not reporting on the progress of Andy Murray in tennis tournaments. I have yet to meet any member of the public who likes the miserable sod.

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LADY DRIVERS. Draw a little diagram on a Post-it showing the position of the hand brake and gearstick, and stick it to your dashboard. This will save you having to look for them when the lights go green

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ALL THOSE WOMEN who yap on about child birth being painfull have obviously never eaten a Toblerone straight from the fridge..!

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WHY IS IT that when there's a murder, the police inspector always says it's the 'worst he has ever seen'?

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For once I want the inspector to say 'This ones a piece of piss. Im actually quite disappointed all he did was choke her to death and bury her under his floorboards. I'll be surprised if we even look for the bastard'

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US GOVERNMENT. Repay the millions of pounds, all the lives of British soldiers and the embarrassment of everyone supporting the US invasion of Iraq by increasing the cost of paperwork needed for UK citizens to visit your country for 6 months to $600, then make them wait half a day at immigration and treat them like shit. Underline the irony of the situation by repeatedly banging on about how the USA has no truer friend than Great Britain.

END OF Tips

When is a door not a door?

When it is infatuation.

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How do you get a duck to sing 'Ain't No Sunshine'?

Put it in the oven until its bill withers.

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Why is it that new air fresheners have to be plugged in to give off a smell.

Can't they use the same technology that is in dog shit?

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I don't think I have ever been so humbled as when I was young, one of my girlfriends took one look at my penis and said "But it still works right?"

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Apparently I'm the archetypal, average Brit.

I drive a Ford Mondeo; am married with a wife and 2 children (with a third on the way); Earn between £20,000 and £30,000 per year and live in Acacia Avenue.

My parents are going to be over the moon,

Rashinder Ali Singh.

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What do you give a Thalidomide for Christmas ?

A T-Shirt and Cuff-links.

Preschooler test

Preschooler test.............now think about it.

I already knew I was dumber than the fifth graders...but now it's the preschoolers.

A PRE-SCHOOL TEST FOR YOU

Which way is the bus below traveling?

To the left or to the right?