JokesSunday Family Humour 22nd
Jokes presentations, videos, pictures and cartoons and presentations and humour or all the family, 22nd March and every Sunday
Sunday Family Humour 22nd March
A very special thank you to all contributors.
Jokes
Best comeback line (On Gun Safety)
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. Love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting..FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it? GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went momentarily silent and the interview ended.
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Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting
on their usual park bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning
jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina
and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day.
It keeps your energy level high and you'll have
great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... by the time
you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me."
The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'
He replies, 'Yes - caffeine.'
'Have you ever been in the military service?'
'Yes,' he says 'I was in Iraq for two years.'
The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.'
Then he asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?'
The guy says, 'Yes...an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.'
The interviewer grimaces and then says, 'O.K. You've got enough points for
me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day.'
The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M.,
why don't you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?'
This is a government job,' the interviewer says.. 'For the first two hours, we just
stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in
for that.'
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Normally I don't send or forward a lot of these, but even by my standards, it was a bit touching. I want all of my friends to feel what I felt when I read it. Hope it touches your heart like it did mine......The making of a president....
This is so beautiful.....
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Subject: government job
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
Little Barack says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"
His mother replied, "Don't even go there!
From what I can remember about that party, you're lucky you don't bark!
Unusual pictures
Water Bed
Sand Art
2008 Sand Castle Competion:
These are sand castles from last year's competition at Harrison Hotsprings, British Columbia , Canada ..
They last until the weather takes them down.
Harrison is well known for their perfect sand for building sand castles.
Inside the Space Station
these are funny----but kinda scary too that people are this stupid.
You just can't fix Stupid...
This week's spoofs
New Zealand - special bus for Pakistani cricket tour
A member of the Kiwi cricket team
Kiwi Tours, charged with travel arrangements for the New Zealand Cricket team, has said that it will go ahead with the Pakistani tour, and is quite confident that it's new bus will keep the players safe. The bus, a red RF486 from route 159 to Streatham Station, has been fitted with armour plated panels and windows, and carries six Browning M1917s and twelve Panzerfaust 3 rocket launchers. A special team of rear gunners from the bread vans used in The Falls Road has agreed to help. Their spokesman said "Bales to the terrorists. If they thought they could googly us by bowling a maiden over, they had better come to the crease and expect a few bouncers. They must be aware that our nightwatchmen clean bowled eleventeen Chinamen, for their aromatic ducks, because they appealed that they had been dismissed into a gully after slipping near Silly Madoff, the well know Jewish fielder"
Daniel Vettori said "We have been playing cricket in Pakistan since we first beat the Indus in 2123 BC, and a few nutters are not going to put us off. We think this was a religious attack, and was not cricket motivated. A bus load of Buddhists carrying tea, coffee coconuts and condoms must make a hot target. If it hadn't been religious, they would have used Sikh Heating missiles. They were after the Sri Lankan's stash of presents. We declare that daisy cutters will stump every effort to slog sixes, as we slip their maidens a length while they are not looking."
The head of the Pakistani team, Fair Splease, a little known bus conductor in his spare time, said they were very pleased to hear the news, because they hadn't seen an RF486 in Pakistan before.
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DuckDonalds "no got nuggets"
Lost - Florida's nuggets
An emergency has been declared due to a total outage of nuggets in a Frolidian franchised outlet of DuckDonalds. Sonya Joke, from the swamp area of Frolida said "This is a much greater problem than getting hot coffee over your interesting bits, and that old woman got over 2 million dollars. She didn't even get in the news until after the court case, but I'm bringing you advance notice of the court case - I mean, I ask you, what's worse - an old woman with a hot pussy or a young woman with no nuggets". Police arriving at the scene photographed the missing nuggets, and declared the shop a disaster zone.The manager, while on his way for a Duckrap said "I have felt it was a disaster for a long time, and now we have proof."
Miss Joke went on to say "I like something thick and creamy in my muffin", but before she could finish her sentence, the world renowned lawyer brothers, Mason and Fred Perry, had agreed to defend DuckDonalds, saying "There is no chance of this appeal going anywhere, because the nugget shortage, due to the recipe calling for melamine, aspartame, and MSG, all of which were stuck on a Chinese junk, makes Duckdonald's totally irresponsible."
We contacted DuckDonalds for their opinion, and all they would say was "Duck off!"
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Mabel Collin's hanbag proves that women originate from Walmart
Sensational find in Shrewsbury - Darwin's "Origins of Woman"
A sensational find has been made at the District Valuer and Valuation Office of Shrewsbury. A package wrapped in a copy of "Punch" dated 12 February 1823, was discovered pushed behind the toilet cistern on the first floor of Mount House. It contained an unbound manuscript of maybe one thousand pages entitled "The Origins of Woman" by Charles Darwin.
A glance at the summary in the opening pages reveals that the theory developed by Charles Darwin at the age of 14, is that all women are descended from Mabel Collins who worked in the bedding section of the very first Walmart.
Mabel Collins was born in St Peter Port, Guernsey and was a theosophist and author of over 46 books. In her last ever book, called "Life began in Walmart" written before her death in 1947, she confirms that the allegory of birth in a stable also actually referred to Walmart's bedding section, demonstrating a second coming. Since then, many comings have occurred in Walmart bedding sections throughout the world.
This first, and most historical bedding section, at 719 Walnut Avenue in Rogers, Arkansas, now a pawn shop, has existed since the beginning of time, which occurred when the clock section was opened at half past three.
Darwen holds that his theory is proven true because all woman have owned a handbag identical to that used by Mabel Collins when powdering her nose at the dressing table in the bedding setting.
The copy of Punch in which the manuscript was wrapped included an interview between Collins and Darwen, in which Collins explains that evolution has not been caused by changes in the body, as many men think, but has been caused by the evolvement of the spirit, from which every body is materialised. She said "No self respecting female spirit would be seen dead without a handbag".