Sunday Family Humour 29th November 2009
The year is 1909.
One hundred years ago.
What a difference a century makes!
Here are some statistics for the Year 1909 :
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The average life expectancy was 47 years.
Fuel for the car was sold in drug stores only
Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!
The average wage in 1909 was 22 cents per hour.
The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year ..
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,
A dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year,
and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME .
Ninety percent of all doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools,
many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as 'substandard. '
Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.
Five leading causes of death were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea Hadn't been invented yet..
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write and
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school..
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores.
Back then pharmacists said,
'Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind,regulates the
stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health'
Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servantor domestic help.
There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE ! U.S.A.!
Plus one more sad thought; 95 percent of the taxes we have now did not exist in 1909
Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years
IT STAGGERS THE MIND
Protect your children from priests
and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING
Thanks to Tony
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.
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Dear Mrs. Samuel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.' This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a nion grievance, causing management to lose time
Motherhood in the Animal Kingdom
On the riverbank...
In Africa ...
In India ....
In Africa ...
In the Arctic ...
In Africa ...
In Africa ...
AND FINALLY...
SOMEWHERE NEAR WALMART
Doesn't it bring a tear to your eye and a lump in your throat...?
Let the Festivities Begin
Thanks to Tony
The Office Party
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs,
where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
“Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night.
Was it as bad as I think?”
“Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn.
“You made a complete ass of yourself.
You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors
and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”
“He’s an asshole,” John said. “Piss on him.”
“You did,” came the reply. “And he fired you.”
“Well, screw him!” said John.
“I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”
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Three men died
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season 'Saint Peter said,
'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said,
"They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets
and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
'And just what do those symbolize?'
The man replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So Let The Christmas Season Begin......
Crossing Borders
IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOUR.
IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.
IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET SHOT.
IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.
IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.
IF YOU CROSS THE U.K. BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET :
FREE HEALTHCARE
AN UNEARNED INCOME*
A HOME
FREE EDUCATION FOR YOUR KIDS
FURNISHINGS FOR YOUR HOME
FREE DENTISTRY
FREE USE OF AN INFRA-STRUCTURE PAID FOR BY THE TOIL AND TAXES OF PREVIOUS GENERATIONS
THE FREE USE OF ALL SOCIAL FACILITIES
FREE TRANSLATION SERVICES
AGENCIES THAT WILL HELP YOU SETTLE IN
FREE ROUND THE CLOCK POLICE PROTECTION
THE LAW WILL FIND THE LAW IS WEIGHED IN YOUR FAVOUR
* ONLY GENUINE CITIZENS ARE ALLOWED TO WORK.
THEY HAVE TO PAY FOR YOU.
NO WONDER THEY QUEUE.
BEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD.