Below is a summary video of the responses that I acquired after asking a series of questions to gain wisdom for my journey into romance. After that you will find the list of original questions and then the responses that I share in my video.

Questions

Here are a few questions that I am curious about as I start my journey into romance. If any of these questions seem interesting and you would like to share some thoughts, I am always grateful for that. Don’t feel limited by them, I am totally open to absorbing any wisdom that you want to share. As always, I enjoy having deep collaborative discussions on any topic, so don’t hesitate to reach out.

Academic-ish Questions

1. What is the history of romance, sex, love and how have these ideas changed over all of human time? For example, what was it like during prehistoric times? What was it like during the reign of different civilizations? Was the concept of romance even around in the beginning or was it just about child production? I would love to talk to anyone who has read books or especially looked at the research.

2. What are the different models of romance, sex, love across different cultures? For example, one model is starting with short term monogamous relationships which turns into a long term monogamous relationship. Have other cultures operated on different models? I would love to talk to anyone who has read books or especially knows the research.

   1. How do each of these models affect a person’s reward system?

   2. What sort of environmental/societal 'rules'/'structures' must be in place for each model to thrive?

   3. If you try to implement a different model from the norm in today's society, what extra work do you need to do? Do you have to find people that already believe in that model?

3. What is the evolutionary reason for romance/love for humans?

   1. Philosophically, is Love really the most universal and deep emotion, or, is it just a way to motivate reproduction in social creatures that have big brains and long term memory?

Questions about your Journey

4. Why are you in a romantic relationship? What is the point/purpose? What do you get/give from it?

   1. How necessary is a romantic relationship for your happiness and feeling of contentment?

5. How do you deal with intense emotions and balancing them? How do you deal with attachment and detachment?

6. Have you experienced heartbreak? What was that like? What did you do to heal from it? What did you do to make peace and/or stop the mental loops?

7. How do you deal with rejection? What do you do to make peace with it?

8. Have you tried a model of dating/romance that is different than long term serial monogamy? If so, what was that like? What were the pros/cons?

9. What are other relationships in your life that have been at the same level as a deep romantic relationship?

10. What are other experiences that have been at the same level of a good sexual experience and/or romantic experience?

11. Any interesting stories/experiences you would like to share?

Questions on the starting the process of dating

12. How essential is having a cellphone for the dating process in modern day? Do I have to get one?

13. What online dating sites should I use? What is unique about each one?

    1. What should my profile look like?

    2. What information do I share?

    3. Which pictures should I use?

14. What are non-online methods of dating (eg taking a class, going to meetups)?

15. How should I express myself during a date? If I am left to my own devices, I know I can have an engaging conversation and explore the creative space and search for potential collaborations. However, my brotherly vibes are very strong, do I need to actively infuse more mating vibes and romance? If so, what does that look like?

    1. How does flirting work?

    2. Do I need to signal sexual interest? How do you do that?

16. What is the average time course of physical affection/contact when dating? How fast is physical affection usually expected? (Obviously I understand that there are many individual differences and there needs to be consent from both sides.)

17. How do I know if someone likes me romantically? Are there obvious signals (I have never detected any in normal life) or should I just explicitly ask?

18. Everything that I do is inclusive and I find beauty in everyone. Whether it is teaching or collaborations, I always want to have an open universe where everyone is welcome. However, dating inherently has a selection process to it. Because I have never dated before, I don’t have any idea what I need/want. If I don’t want to continue a romantic relationship but nevertheless still want to cherish a person through friendship and collaboration, how do I do that?

19. How do I look physically appealing? I understand there are huge individual differences and obviously, because I like who I am, I won’t change anything significantly but I could nudge myself in more appealing directions. Should I try to show whatever muscles I have? I probably won’t consistently shave or wear a suit.

20. What I find most fascinating is forming collaborations to explore interesting creative spaces. Most interactions during initial dating are about understanding one another through fun lighthearted flirty exchanges. Most of these interactions don’t yield anything...do you have any innovative ideas on how to create artwork from these momentary interactions? I have a few interesting ideas, in case anyone wants to brainstorm.

21. Dating and romance are such complex things that have many unspoken norms and things to know. I have never dated before, however most of the women that I will probably date will have a huge bank of experience and knowledge. What unspoken societal norms/expectations/expressions are there? On average, what is someone roughly my age looking for?

Responses

Overview

• Some people who I interviewed and some who I didn’t, said that I was ‘over intellectualizing’ my journey into romance and should really avoid it.

  • I agree that the experiential portion should never be diminished

  • However, sometimes ‘intellectualizing’ can enhance and deepen the experiential portion.

    • eg walking when knowing the plants,insects, creatures

• It was so deeply meaningful to have these discussions with people who genuinely cared about me.

  • I strongly recommend everyone to have such exploratory deep discussions

• I interviewed 23 people

  • Pronouns: He:9; She: 12; They: 2

  • Ages mid-20s to mid-90s, on average most were clustered in their 30s

• Interviews lasted 1-5 hours, on average 1.5 hours

Why are you in a romantic relationship? What is the point/purpose? What do you get/give from it?

• Sex/Intimacy

  • Emotional and physical intimacy (n=3)

  • Fun (n=2)

  • Men desire basic things: they want to be fed and want to be fucked by as many girls as possible and want their ego stroked. (n=1)

  • Sex on a regular basis without putting in too much work. Other touches and hugs and closeness. (n=1)

    • Sex with someone you love is more euphoric and gives you a sense of peace.

• Peace/relaxation

  • Brings peace, calm, eases tension, quiet’s one’s mind and lets a stressful day fall away (n=3)

• Companionship

  • Companionship and support (n=2)

  • Avoid loneliness (n=2)

  • Get through the difficulties of the world together, someone always on your side (n=4)

  • Grow together across different stages and uncover things.(n=1)

  • Life is more interesting with another person (n=1)

  • Deep sharing

    • Share your everything: the good and the bad, what you enjoy (n=1)

    • Share the beauty of nature..and want nothing in return. (n=1)

    • Sharing vulnerabilities (n=2)

• Love

  • To love and be love, to care for someone and to be cared by them (n=4)

  • The love with your partner deepens your love and connection with humanity (n=1).

    • She is attracted to people who love humanity and the universe and if they only want her, she is not as attracted to them.

    • By finding such a person who loves the universe, then you start loving the universe.

• Childbirth

  • Wanted children/family (n=2)

• Motivation/Personal Growth

  • Growing together with your partner (n=2)

    • The relationship will push you out the comfort zone and understand your strengths/weaknesses.(n=1)

    • Deepens your spirituality and connection with humanity and the universe (n=1)

    • As the faith in your partner grows, your faith within yourself grows. (n=1)

  • Uses his overpowering urges and desires to motivate the pursuit of his dreams. His desires are like horses which then tug his chariot in that direction. Converts some of those desires into love for the universe and in devotion to the universe he does his work. Once he finishes his journey, he will then be open to relationships again. (n=1)

  • Music creation got deeper (n=1)

• Duty/Care

  • Duty to society/parents/tradition (n=3)

  • Not during this interview but asked of me when I was in India:

    • Duty to the cycles of nature

    • Who will take care of you when you get older?

    • Who will take care of your mother?

    • Are you going to deprive your mother of grandchildren?

What are the different types of romantic relationships?

Monogamy

• Arranged Marriages (n=4)

  • Was forced into marriage and had to obey her parents. Marriage was an adjustment. Initially they were just friends because he was busy with his career. Slowly they liked and then loved each other. (n=1)

  • He married based on a commitment his father had made

    • Before that, he had never even seen his wife-to-be.

    • It was through duty and left everything on god (the marriage is already set in heaven) (n=1)

  • Philosophy: the true beauty of a relationship is not the transient lust but rather the slow building experiences of raising a family through mutual trust and willingness.

    • There are high rates of failure in both arranged and love marriages. At the end of the day it is all about the two individuals and their willingness to make the relationship work (n=1).

  • In a male dominated society, such as India, arranged marriage usually means that the woman has to adjust/compromise. (n=2)

  • In India, movies and novels had excessive amounts of romance which set unreasonable expectations and might make it difficult to implement arranged marriage (n=1).

• Saving yourself (n=1)

  • Waiting for after marriage to experience sex.

  • Marriage is a union of the physical and spiritual

  • Commitment is beautiful

• 90 day Serial Monogamy (n=1)

  • Long term monogamy is against nature. Lions and lioness are intensely passionate for a short duration of time and then are reabsorbed back into the pride. Monkeys, gorillas, horses..most animals do this.

    • Denying your urges/sexuality leads to perversion. This is why there is a high divorce rate and lots of cheating.

    • Not a fan of polyamory

    • One night stands are fun in the moment but are not at the depth of a 90 day relationship which he will remember more often.

  • Ideal: short duration serial monogamy to be 90 days long which is how long the infatuation phase lasts. During this time it is intensely sexual and fun and she gives you everything.

  • After that comes commitment where she tests you and it requires alot of work and the quality goes down. One should only think about commitment when they want to have children, at which point, women will no longer give you their good qualities and instead focus it on the child.

  • Why is sex so important for you?

    • Sex is the root of life and everything comes from there. The entire universe is because of sex.

      • There is a duality in the universe and sex allows him to tap into that and deepen his meditative practice.

    • Infatuation doesn’t have to be selfish because you are completely sharing and immersed with one another. When you are infatuated you are channeling love.

  • Doesn’t ending the relationship lead to hurt for you?

    • It shows you where you are weak and perturbable and it gives you an opportunity to learn from yourself and see what dependencies you have and grow.

    • Then you remember that you can be happy without it and laugh and break the cycle.

    • You cherish the moments that you have and with enough practice you learn. You have to be dispassionate to pain and pleasure and after enough time, the selfishness disappears.

• 3 days on, 4 days off

  • His ideal is to spend a full 3 days immersed in a romantic relationship and the rest of the week in devotion to his work (n=1)

Hooking up (n=8)

• One night stands, Friends with benefits

• Even people whose relationships were focused on sex said hooking up was fun in the moment but wasn’t satisfying over time. The deepest experiences were when you had emotional connection. (n=3)

  • This is because in a hookup, people often just focus on themselves and there is no emotional connection. Some were good. (n=2)

  • True for 1 night stands that were threesomes and foursomes (n=1).

• Initially there is sex and it makes your ego grow and maybe all you want is to explore your senses. To sustain a sex-only model you have to detach but in her experience this only leads to more emptiness. (n=1)

Viewpoint: Relationship Anarchy (n=1)

• Relationship anarchy is the idea that you first eliminate pre-existing rules and customize your own boundaries, because there can be many different gradients and types of relationships and there isn’t one optimal model which fits for everyone.

• Similarly the rules for breakups can be customized. You can still keep deep connections even after romance falls apart...or not. The idea is that you can customize. (n=1)

• Relationship anarchy support group (n=5)

  • One difficulty is figuring out a path since it is not already paved for you. They talked about what sorts of guidelines and scripts would be useful.

Polyamory

• 8/23 have tried polyamory and 6/23 are currently practicing

• General Info

  • Just as you can love many family members, you can love many romantic partners, there is no limit to how many people you can love...but there is a time limit (n=1).

  • You can customize what you experience with each partner. You could, for example, only cuddle without having sex with one person and have a deep collaborative relationship with another and have sex with another and raise children with another. (n=1)

    • The polyamory community reinforces platonic relationships. (n=1)

  • Many different types of sexuality and attractions: eg. Demisexual, Sapiosexual, Pansexual, Bisexual. Hetero/Homo (n=1)

    • Polyamory can address this

  • Some create relationship manifestos (n=2)

  • Cons of poly: if you don’t have a nesting partner...who is going to be there to love me when I am old? This isn’t the life I envisioned based on parent’s expectations. Alot of people are jealous and stressed. (n=1)

    • Communicating and sharing desires/expectations and dealing with jealousy are built into the structure of polyamory. (n=1)

      • Compersion is loosely defined as the opposite of jealousy. Instead of feeling upset or threatened when your partner romantically or sexually interacts with another person, you feel a sense of happiness for them. (n=1)

    • Polyamory often takes more time and mental bandwidth, especially if you want to do it ethically (n=2).

      • You have to figure out the structure of the relationship (eg expectations) whereas with monogamy it is more straight forward.

      • You have to spend more time organizing your dating time, whereas with monogamy you always have someone.

      • You have to have more mental bandwidth to understand your all of your partners' emotional states, whereas with monogamy you can focus on just one partner's needs/expectations.

    • Its hard to do long term and society doesn’t have the structure to always support it and it didnt work for them (n=2).

• Solo Polyamory

  • You are your own primary partner and find beauty spending time with yourself. You are the main source of your happiness (n=2).

    • You are not always available for everyone. Whereas in monogamy you often have to be always available for your partner. (n=1)

    • You may enjoy living by yourself

    • May meet once a month with some partners...and be okay with ebbs and flows and be communicative. (n=1)

      • Don’t have too many expectations of your partners and you wont be hurt. (n=1)

• Living together with a primary partner (n=2)

  • The journey

    • They had tried standard monogamous relationships and found it to be constrictive.

    • Had serious relationships in high school, exploratory sexual relations, ended in lots of hurt/pain because they were crazy lost teenagers.

    • They didn’t want to feel shame for their big love and they didn’t want to hurt others.

    • So when they got together they wanted to make sure that they practiced ethical polyamory.

  • Tools

    • Understand your own trauma, body complexities, desires, needs

    • Establish radical honesty about your feelings and needs and that having big love and wanting to see other people wasn’t shameful or flawed within their relationship.

    • Establish a common language that allows for clear communication and understanding about nuances of feelings.

    • Establish expectations

      • Consensual agreements on what is permissible

    • Have support networks, other people in the poly community with whom to talk to, share ideas, learn.

    • Relationship checkins every week: 30mins to 1 hour...start out with appreciations of ourselves and each other of the past week and then things that have come up for them in the past week.

      • They have a relationship journal to document conversations.

      • Before checkins they would feel an impulsive feeling to address ASAP however now they try and wait until the checkins which allows time to digest and reflect.

    • Create a long list of what they love and get from each other, what do we appreciate about ourselves, what do we bring to the relationship, what does the relationship bring to them. what they love about themselves as a unit. Lots about shared values and identification of those values. Closely aligned purpose.

      • Retaining commitment to the partnership

  • What about jealousy?

    • Use jealousy as a tool to understand yourself and is an entrance point into what your trauma/insecurity is. By exploring where the jealousy comes from, what sorts of trauma or thoughts, and what it feeds off, you can take the fuel away from jealousy. Find peace and acknowledge your jealousy.

    • Their jealousy was very specific to people. Had to ask why did this person elicit jealousy and not another person? Some of it was based on inferiority complex...such as they are affluent.

    • Use the tools mentioned before, eg: Talking about it: What are our commitments to each other? Do you still love me? Do you still want me? What makes their relationship unique that no other dynamic could mimic and could threaten

  • A few monogamous people who I interviewed said that the 1 on 1 intimacy and deep sharing was really important and that they could not achieve that otherwise. What makes your relationship special if you can meet many people?

    • The specialness is the collection of experiences and life events that they have been together which can never be the same with anyone else.

    • What they creatively build together they could not with others.

• Thruple (n=1)

  • There are complex dynamics especially if you are the third person entering into a pre-existing couple.

How do you deal with heartbreak, rejection, attachment, looping thoughts?

• Time (n=3)

  • Time can heal but it can also sometimes hide and obscure the trauma and new relationships can uncover those landmines. So, time alone may not heal...it may just cover up (n=3).

• Catharsis

  • Crying (n=4)

  • Bring yourself to cry deeply, dredge up the horrors...and sometimes the catharsis can even lead you to laugh. Sometimes it can take several of these sessions to reset yourself. (n=1)

• Distraction

  • Keep busy (n=1)

  • Reading (n=1)

  • Hanging out with friends and making new memories with them (n=2)

  • Play with a dog, dance by yourself, being in nature (n=1)

  • Bath: helps distract the physical/sensory addition to a person because the bath provides a different type of sensory experience (n=1)

  • Snapping rubberband around the wrist: it is instantaneous thing for when things get really intense and you are freaking out. It can help snap you out of a loop. You could also step out into the cold. (n=1)

  • Drugs

    • Didn’t help (n=1)

    • Be careful because alcohol and drugs can be used to escape but they have their own cycles. (n=1)

  • Hooking up

    • Helped in the short term but not in the long term (n=1)

  • Rebound relationships

    • Started relationship on wrong foot (n=1)

• The need to take care of my children (n=1)

• Exercise (n=4)

  • Walking

  • Taking care of yourself is important and usually rejection hurts more when you are not taking care of yourself.

• Digestion

  • Talking to friends and/or therapist (n=3)

  • Writing/journaling (n=4)

  • Making lists (n=1)

    • In a relationship you make sensory connection which is like a biological addiction. Your senses miss that contact and it is similar to withdrawal when getting off drugs and addictions. You have to reprogram your mind.

    • List 1: Everytime you think of him look at a list of why they broke up

    • List 2: What are things that you can do to take our mind off it and when you miss him.

• Meditation

  • Guided meditation through youtube: focus on breath and body scan (n=1)

  • Mentally clear your womb (n=1)

  • Yoga and Vipassana (n=1)

• Reframing your Perspective

  • It wasn’t a good fit, so it was the for the best that it ended

    • For a rejection: maybe the person is preoccupied with something else and doesn’t have energy or thoughtfulness to even fully consider the proposition made to them. (n=1)

    • If they rejected me after getting to know me doesn’t mean I am any lesser of a person. I just didn’t fit one person’s type, or we didn’t click. And do you really want to be with someone who isn’t crazy about you? (n=3)

    • Just because it ended doesn’t mean that it was a failure (n=1)

  • Self-growth

    • Accept that hurt and mental loops are an ongoing and ever present part of life (n=1)

    • See it as a learning experience to gain insights about yourself (n=3)

    • It is a reminder for reflection and not self-hatred and loathing (n=1)

    • Transform all of that hurt energy from a breakup into pursuit of a worthy goal which helped him wash away the pain (n=1)

  • Gratitude

    • Everything in life is impermanent (n=1) and focus on being grateful for the good times with the person (n=3)

What are other relationships in your life that have been at the same level as a deep romantic relationship?

• No comparison

  • When he is with a woman romantically, there is no more thinking and she brings out all the masculinity and he just stops thinking and acts and it is primitive and is damn satisfying. (n=1)

• Pets

  • Does more for than most people (n=1)

• Close friendships (n=6)

  • Greater than romance (n=3)

  • I love my friends deeper than I love deep romantic partners. I love my friends passionately and sometimes when I think about how much I love my closest friends, I can start crying a little.

• Family (n=1)

• God (n=1)

What are other experiences that have been at the same level of a good sexual experience and/or romantic experience?

• Physical

  • Massage (n=2)

  • Perfect stretch (n=1)

  • Footrub (n=1)

  • Scuba diving, swimming (n=1)

  • Self pleasure is important and can enhance the experience with both people. (n=1)

• Immersed within a group

  • Choir and singing, it felt euphoric and the enormous sound was amazing (n=1)

  • Going to a good concert (n=1)

  • Playing in a concert: intense shared experience with a group of people. (n=1)

  • Dance experience (contact dance)…not erotic and the bliss was there (n=1)

  • Laughing with friends (like an uncontrollable release) and sharing silence with friends (n=1)

  • Like a group of cyclists in a paceline. The frontguy takes the burnt of the wind for 2 minutes. That is great but not sex-great. Rotating paceline: Row on the right is moving very tiny bit faster and then he moves over to the left and slows down slightly. Counterclock wise. You have to be in complete focus and you are going really fast. You have to have baseline level fitness, skill. High velocity cycling together You are with other people in the same wavelength vibrating together. Its alot like sex. You have to nonverbally communicate what is happening. Its pretty intense. (n=1)

    • Be in a flow state: the task requires huge amount of skill and demands concentration but also should be at the point where it is too difficult.

• Food (n=2)

  • Eating a crisp apple (n=1)

  • When you are really hungry and so hungry that you don’t even want sex…like a long hike and you come down and you smell the smoke of BBQ (equal) (n=1)

• Drugs

  • First time tried pot, experienced god-like experience and realized that the whole universe is an organism. We are one ocean of life and it felt way more beautiful than any sexual thing. (n=1)

  • Ecstasy (n=1): Effects: makes you want to expel energy, for most people it is dancing. Having the best conversations with friends. The major thing is it allows you to be vulnerable. Things feel nice to touch.

    • Makes you feel like everyone wants to have a good time and there is no evil...everything seems okay even if it is not.

    • After a very difficult breakup, rationally you knew it was good but you didn’t emotionally feel it. With Ecstasy, she felt it emotionally and felt the breakup was beautiful and was proud of herself and it was beautiful that she was doing something difficult for herself.

• Larger cause

  • Greater than sex: pursuit of a purpose for a great cause, gave more satisfaction (greater) (n=1)

• Meditation

  • Good music (n=1)

  • Meditative bliss makes you happy and sex makes you satisfied (and happy if you are in love with her). (n=1)

    • Can induce a state of trance and see himself as the vastness of the universe

    • He can switch his sense of identity between local (him) and global (the universe)

  • Feels orgasmic pleasure while meditating. (n=1)

    • Why do you do 90 day serial monogamy cycles if you can obtain it from meditation?

      • Without the experience with the woman, he won’t be able to achieve that feeling through meditation.

      • The universe is dualistic with male and female energies and the goal of all human life is to experience that dualism…the movement from two to one is enlightenment

      • You have to merge masculine and feminine, at the 6th chakra, to get to the superconsciousness.

• Other

  • Good mental conversation (n=1)

  • Monopoly (n=1)

  • Playing a fighting video game (n=1)

  • Crying by myself after coming to a beautiful realization.(n=1)

What online dating sites should I use? What is unique about each one?

• General

  • Everyone said that they found online dating to be frustrating, at times overwhelming and consumed significant time and effort.

  • With anonymity, there is less caring in the interactions between people (n=2)

    • Lots of ghosting (n=1)

  • Lots of fragmented conversations across extended periods of time (n=1)

  • Have to go through 1000s of profiles (n=1)

• Tinder (n=5)

  • Everyone is on tinder (n=2)

  • One couple matched through tinder and eventually lead to marriage and they said that a few other friends within their groups met through tinder (n=2)

    • They find that tinder is more genuine/honest because there is less to manipulate whereas things like OKcupid gives people a way to be very verbose and then you don’t know what to do with that info.

  • You can pay tinder to get a signal boost, with that he spent about 1 hour/week on finding people on tinder then about 1 hour per week on a date. (n=1)

  • Tinder works if you make yourself seem as universal as possible. Tinder does not work as well for non-neurotypical people or with people with criminal backgrounds (n=1).

• Bumble (n=5)

  • feminist forward, female empowering (n=1)

  • Found it more serious than tinder (n=1)

• Hinge (n=3)

  • You have prompts and so it has a little more personality driven things than Tinder

  • Found it more serious than tinder (n=1)

• Coffee meets Bagel (n=1)

  • Offers fewer number of potential people to select from, so it is not as overwhelming as Tinder

• Facebook dating (n=1)

  • Most apps’ algorithms works on cycles…they artificially bring down the number of matches so that you pay. As of now, facebook dating doesn’t seem to do that as much.

• Match (n=1)

  • It was the best for him. They are looking for long term relationships and want children.

• OK-Cupid (n=5)

  • Friendly to non-monogamous people, option for many partners

  • Think and compose and long email response back and forth. It was pretty good at predicting if you were friends.

• Birdy (n=1)

  • Personality driven...you have to take a personality test

• Feeld (n=1)

  • Dating for nonmonogamous people. A way to find unicorns...a person who will join a couple for a threesome. Often a fairly straight couple looking for a threesome. Focuses on transparency. It is sex positive and might be sex oriented.

For online dating what are advice on profiles, etc?

• Profile picture: (n=3)

  • Pictures should not have a gun, bloody dead animal, ‘women's place is in the kitchen’, holding a fish that blocks your face, shirtless bathroom selfie, excessive group pictures.

  • Basically you want to convey that you are not an ax murder.

  • Good pictures include clear face and eyes, sometimes having one picture with animal/child, one picture with people.

  • Good spelling...no dead fish, no snapchat filters, no group pictures, have words, giving something to comment on, current shows/books.

• What words should I put in my profile?

  • Say that I am new on the scene and trying to learn, that will filter out many people.(n=1)

  • Be short, terse and succinct,(n=1)

  • For Match.com (n=1)

    • There are coded ways of saying things, for example “financially secure” means “I have money”

    • Use interesting but not challenging photos

    • Looking for friendship first, platonic relationship at first, shy

    • I am a creative person, I like creative people

    • Interested in science, interested in someone who appreciates my artwork and challenges me with her artwork,

    • Interested in artistic collaboration, sharing ideas

    • Not particularly interested in emotional bonds

    • Very content

    • Interested in deep conversation

    • No children in the picture with me, but is open; children isn’t high priority

    • Not looking for drama

    • No cigarettes, i drink infrequently

• Actions

  • For Tinder, start off with an easy relaxed fun question, like “i like your hair” then try to set a date/time to meet. (n=2)

  • Create a female doppelganger on the dating website to see what it is like (n=1)

  • Don’t be too forward and don’t respond immediately (n=1)

  • Show your commencement speech, research, consider curating your website and youtube because it could scare away many people. (n=1)

  • Attachment and need lead to a dry pussy (n=1)

    • Light hardheartedness, fun but also have to show it will go really great

What are non-online methods of dating?

• The universe just brings a person to him (n=1)

• Art Events (n=2)

  • Jamaica Plains is interesting and has artists in it. (n=1).

• EyeOpener in somerville, armoury (n=1)

• Broadcast to entire friend group to set me up (n=3)

• Social dancing events (n=2),

• Interest groups (n=1)

• Volunteer clubs (n=1),

• Open mike (n=2)

• Poly-speed dating (n=1)

• Intramural singles sports (n=1)

• Matchmaker (n=1)

• Convert friends into lovers (n=1)

• doc yard at the brattle theatre (n=1)

How do you flirt?

• Show that you are interested and get them to giggle (n=1)

• Make eye contact and facial stuff like eyebrows (n=1)

• Give more explicit compliments (n=3), and say things like ‘that is so cute’. (n=1)

• There are two types of flirting (n=1)

  • Just for fun flirting

    • Flirting isn’t actually meant to go anywhere. People on the bus, or grocery store, or wherever flirt for fun by winking or smiling while making eye contact or try to make you laugh because it is fun and not necessarily because they are interested in you. It’s just something to enjoy in the moment.

  • Serious Flirting

    • I have found that it is not too different from a normal conversation. I think that if you find yourself really enjoying a conversation with someone who you are attracted to, that is flirting. Yes, there can be subtleties like eye contact, blushing, smiling, looking a bit embarrassed, but I honestly try not to focus on that for a few reasons.

    • My advice is that, if you enjoyed a conversation with someone enough to want to talk to them again, just honestly say something like, “I really enjoyed this conversation, if you’re interested I would like to talk again sometime. Can I get your number?” It is a very scary thing to do.

How do I know if someone likes me romantically?

• If anyone ask you to do something..assume it is a date.

• Just ask explicitly (n=2).

• Leaning in, playing with your hair, touch you with your foot.

• Subtle body language

Other

• Actions

  • For first date ideas choose something that allows you or the person to end it quickly...like coffee. Allow there to be scale up options, like going to lunch/dinner afterwards if it is going well.

    • Also do things that gives space to talk, like eating. (n=3)

  • Say out loud what you are feeling internally, clearly communicate if you are interested (n=3)

  • Find out from each person what their ‘no’ sounds like and what their ‘yes’ sounds like. Everyone is different how they respond and how they express. (n=1).

• On accepting and giving rejections

  • Be honest, don’t let things linger if you are not into it. Don’t wait, it is better to end it sooner than later (n=5)

  • I have never been offended by anyone expressing sexual or romantic interest in me even if I was not interested in them. The only time when it has crossed a line is when I have politely said “no” and they have not accepted the answer. (The message I’m trying to get across to you here is that there is nothing wrong with being interested in someone and expressing it bluntly. That is not a reason for anyone to be offended.) (n=1)

  • A lot of women feel the need to reject men’s advances harshly. There is a reason for this. There are many men out there, who will not accept a polite “no”. I myself have learned that sometimes, to get a disrespectful man to leave you alone, you need to be mean. Sometimes a woman is just mean to protect herself and it has nothing to do with you. (The message I am trying to get across here is that if someone is harsh, it has nothing to do with you and likely is a symptom of women needing to protect themselves from relentless men). (n=1)

• Having codewords for loops and identifying and communicating triggers are important in a relationship and can help you deal with your own intense emotions. (n=1)

• Patriarchal viewpoint of sex: penis-in-vagina sex (n=2)

  • The experience is very different on both sides.

• When people leave incarceration after a long time, they are actually at the same place as me. They typically don’t have a cellphone, don’t know anything about modern dating and haven’t experienced a romantic relationship in a very long time. They have similar questions as me. (n=1)

• Resources (n=2)

  • Watch ‘love on the spectrum’

  • Relationship Anarchy support group recommends this: https://kalasutra.wordpress.com/2020/02/10/relationship-libertarianism/

  • Omgyes.com

  • https://www.scarleteen.com/

  • https://www.pornhub.com/sex/

• Finance is important...it may not be a good idea to go out with someone who makes more/less than you (n=1)

• Limerence is a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one's feelings reciprocated. (n=1)

• In a relationship these are really important: (n=1)

  • Along with love you need things like justice and kindness

  • Hunger thirst for knowledge and learning

  • Explore and investigate things together

  • Knowledge, nature, unity together

  • It should add to your humanity

    • If in the relationship you don’t feel like your humanity is fully embraced there is something wrong.