Sunday Family Humour 7th July Page 2

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

Something to offend just about everyone!

Thanks to Tony H.

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite

- All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.

Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't

what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex,

Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.

That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner,

took her 15 hours to hoover the house.

Turns out she was a Slovak.

Since the snow came all the wife has done is

look through the window.

If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.

To be honest I only intendedto rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered

what makes women happy.

Nothing.

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat.

That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month:

time to change supplier I think?

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate,

when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits

of brown bread for 30 minutes.

I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts

has been discovered in Egypt ....

Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical

Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year

Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT,

ITS A BOY"

And with tears streaming down my face I swore

I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!

Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted

curry powder instead of cocaine.

Both in hospital...one's in a korma..

The other's got a dodgy tikka!

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians

took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.

Sailing results are in - GB took gold, USA took silver

and Somalia took a Middle aged couple

from Weymouth ..

An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan!

He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well!

Prophets are going through the roof!!

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a

shutter speed so fast, they can now

photograph a woman with

her mouth shut.

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills,

they were labelled LSD?'

Granny replies, stuff the pills,

have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror

says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel

fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'

He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you

on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

Hubby looks her up and down and replies,

'Your sense of humour!

An elderly couple is attending Mass.

About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband,

'I just let out a silent fart; what do you

think I should do?'

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

Washboard Serenaders

Thanks to David M.

Hold onto you're hats, for a minuet

of high energy performance from the

"Washboard Serenaders."

Only in Africa

Thanks to Ray M.

Bathroom Signs in foreign countries

Thanks to Paul S.

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Coffee Commercial

Thanks to Ray O'.

Paddy's Job Answer

Thanks to Tony H.

Paddy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin .

A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications,

they were asked to take a test by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Paddy and said,

"Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job."

Paddy, "And why would you be doing that?"

"We both got 19 questions correct."

"This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."

Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

Paddy "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"

Manager, "Simple.

On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don’t know.'

You put down,‘Neither do I’.“

Barking and Biting

Thanks to Andre M.

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says ......

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just 'youthfully challenged'.

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