Sunday Family Humour 5th May Page 2

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

Keeping Minds Alert

Thanks to Tony H.

1. Johnny 's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. ...What was the third child 's name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers....What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, ...what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole ...that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English Language ...is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. ....How is this possible?

7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. ...Why not?

8. What was the President 's Name...in 1975?

9. If you were running a race, ...and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say,... "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, ....how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Here are the Answers

1. Johnny 's mother had three children. The first child was named April The second child was named May. What wasthe third child 's name?

Answer: Johnny of course

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [ You 're not very good at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Answer: You can 't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the President 's Name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now - Barrack Obama [Oh, come on ...]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.

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IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1) You can't count your hair.

2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.

3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.

Fantastic Nature

Thanks to Ray O'.

Fantastic nature

Geezer Cartoons

Thanks to David M.

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Healing For Burns

Thanks to David M.

A young man sprinkling his lawn and bushes with pesticides wanted to check the contents of the barrel

to see how much pesticide remained in it.

He raised the cover and lit his lighter; the vapors ignited and engulfed him. He jumped from his truck, screaming.

His neighbour came out of her house with a dozen eggs and a bowl yelling: "bring me some more eggs!"

She broke them, separating the whites from the yolks.

The neighbor woman helped her to apply the whites onto the young man's face.

When the ambulance arrived and the EMTs saw the young man, they asked who had done this.

Everyone pointed to the lady in charge.

They congratulated her and said: "You have saved his face."

By the end of the summer, the young man brought the lady a bouquet of roses to thank her.

His face was like a baby's skin.

A Healing Miracle for Burns:

Keep in mind this treatment of burns is being included in teaching beginner fireman. First Aid consists of first spraying cold water on the affected area until the heat is reduced which stops the continued burning of all layers of the skin. Then, spread the egg whites onto the affected area.

One woman burned a large part of her hand with boiling water. In spite of the pain, she ran cold faucet water on her hand, separated 2 egg whites from the yolks, beat them slightly and dipped her hand in the solution. The whites then dried and formed a protective layer.

She later learned that the egg white is a natural collagen and continued during at least one hour to apply layer upon layer of beaten egg white. By afternoon she no longer felt any pain and the next day there was hardly a trace of the burn. 10 days later, no trace was left at all and her skin had regained its normal color. The burned area was totally regenerated thanks to the collagen in the egg whites, a placenta full of vitamins.

Oh! .... And to quickly and easily separate the yoke from the whites,

use an empty plastic water bottle to squeeze and suck the yoke from the white!

Baby and Me

Thanks to Ray O'.

A Fishing Story

Thanks to David M.

Pretty Pictures of England

Thanks to Ray O'.

Perfect rainbow: Kris Dutson's most recent photograph taken at North Poorton, Dorset. Following heavy rain last month this brilliant rainbow formed

Remarkable: Clouds pile up over a hill top on a bright day at Colmers Hill, Bridport in Dorset.

The photographer spends hours researching the best locations to capture cloud pictures

He carries meteorological charts and a sun compass with him

nd will patiently wait for clouds to break before capturing the perfect shot.

Kris, from Compton Valence, near Dorchester, Dorset,

scours the countryside for the most beautiful and interesting scenes to shoot.

He sometimes waits for months on end before returning to a particular spot at the right time of year

to catch these astonishing images.

One of his incredible photos shows a perfectly-formed rainbow stretching across vivid green fields,

glowing in front of a moody grey sky.

Another captures billowing white cumulus clouds rising imposingly

behind the deep green peaks of Colmer's Hill, near Bridport, Dorset.

Storm clouds gather: Rain approaching the cliffs at Burton Bradstock in south west Dorset.

Patient Kris often waits for hours before taking a photograph

Red sky at night: The sun sets over Colmer' Hill in Bridport, Dorset with a covering of cloud overhead.

The beautiful glowing skyline was caused by the ash cloud which caused airline chaos

Beauty spot: Stunning picture of Lulworth Cove on the Jurassic Coast at dusk as rain clears.

The site attracts one million visitors a year - but few see a sunset as beautiful as this.

Others show sinister grey clouds gathering above fields of barley, daisies and rape,

while others capture the striking cloud formations above the Jurassic coastline.

One striking image captures a full moon illuminating mist as it rolls over fields,

and another shows a stunning panoramic view across Hardy country.

Father-of-four Kris, who has been a photographer for 30 years, said:

'I must be one of the only people in the country hoping for rain.

'I like a nice bright, sunny day to go to the beach,

but when I hear people grumbling about the forecast I do rub my hands together with glee.

'My pictures are all based around the weather and the atmosphere it creates - it's absolutely key.

'If it's bright and sunny with blue skies, most people can take a nice picture but they're quite bland.

'But the moody weather enhances the landscape and gives it a feeling. Dark clouds and patchy sunlight makes it atmospheric.

Dark skies: Rain clouds gather over the Mynydd Moel mountain in the Cader Idris range in north Wales.

The top of the mountain is completely covered

Beautiful darkness: Moonlit valleys in Compton Valence, Dorset.

When most people stay indoors weather nut Kris spends hours out and about

waiting for the rain to clear or a break in the clouds to get the perfect shot

Dramatic scenes: A rainbow at the Devils Dyke near Brighton West Sussex, left,

and sunset after a storm on Pulpit Rock, Portland Bill in Dorset, right

The white cliffs of... Sussex: A storm clearing from the Seven Sisters cliffs near Eastbourne on the English Coast

'I travel around Dorset a lot and whenever I come across a location I think might work for a picture I mark it on my sat nav.

'I carry a sun compass, which looks like a credit card with marks around the side, which will tell me what time the sun rises and sets at each point throughout the year.

'Sometimes I think a particular shot will work at dawn, but the sun might not be in the right place for the next six months, so I'll make a note of it in my diary and come back.

'I'll check the weather forecast to see when there will be the right conditions, such as dark clouds in the sky. Sometimes the weather doesn't play ball, so I'll go back the following year.

'I can't compromise or cut corners, so there's a lot of planning and science behind each shot.

I need to be very patient, but it's worth it.

'Getting the right shot on the day can take anywhere between minutes and hours.

'I'm very lucky.'

Home Counties: A storm brews over a field of barley in Wiltshire close to Sixpenny Handley in a dramatic image

caught by photographer Kris Dutson who has spent a decade capturing these images

Daybreak: Dawn breaks over Portland Bill in Dorset in another image by the photographer on the South Coast

Storm approaching: Rain clouds approach Chesil beach, Portland, in Dorset.

Far left, the sky remains blue - but thick black clouds are coming in

In-coming storm: Panoramic view of rain blowing in from the west across Eggardon Hill,

close to Bridport, Dorset taken by Kris Dutson