Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour
Thanks to Tony H.
The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels , renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.
Costing Â£850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.
The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paint-balls to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counselors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day and each ship will have its on-board industrial tribunal.
The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime! All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.
Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and messes. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by sparkling water. Although sodomy remains, it has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only on request. Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of flavours, except Capstan Full Strength.
officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist and is to be
replaced by the more informal, "Hello Sailor". All information on
notices boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille.
Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow
beards or mustaches and this applies equally to women crew members.
17 seconds is all it needs for three complete 360's, with only superficial damage, and drives off with a loss of about twenty seconds, two spotlights and a bit of bent bodywork.
and a bit of extraneous bodywork. Note how the first spin would have hit the wall if it hadn't had a gap in it for someone's driveway.
Thanks To Tony H.
The Shaolin Temple gymnastics troupe
really gives the girls a run for their money!
Video (1:25 mins):
Thanks to Ray O'.
Have you ever heard that a dog 'knows' when an earthquake is about to hit?
dogs started running frantically away from the seashore, at breakneck speed?
How do those dogs and cats get home from hundreds of miles away?
Thanks to David H.