Sunday Family Humour 24th March Page 2

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MURDER AT WOOLWORTHS

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure

who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount,

but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front,

so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes,

& reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Woolworths Supermarket store. There, he surprised her in the produce department

& proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.

As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor,

the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind,

ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, t

he entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station,

Artie revealed the whole sordid plan,

including his unusual financial arrangements

with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

(You're

going to hate me for this...)

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WOOLWORTHS '

Bad Day at Classic Car Show

Thanks to David H.

When a woman lies

Thanks to Andre M.

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No".

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No".

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes". The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the river bank and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?'' "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband? The Lord asked.

"Yes", cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said no to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said no to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said yes, you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said yes to George Clooney. And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honourable reason and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Signed

All Us Women

Laughter is like jogging on the inside. Exercise your 'innards' every day.

"A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones."

Women are Angels.

And when someone breaks our wings,

We simply continue to fly....on a broomstick.

We are flexible like that.

Winter of My Life

Thanks to Bill S.

You know. . . Time has a way of moving quickly

And catching you unaware of the passing years.

It seems just yesterday that I was young,

Just married and embarking on my new life with my mate.

And yet in a way, it seems like eons ago,

And I wonder where all the years went.

I know that I lived them all...

And I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams...

But, here it is... The winter of my life and it catches me by surprise...

How did I get here so fast?

Where did the years go and where did my youth go?

I remember well...

Seeing older people through the years and thinking that those

Older people were years away from me and that winter was so far off

That I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like...

But, here it is...

My friends are retired and getting grey...

They move slower and I see an older person now.

Some are in better and some worse shape than me...

But, I see the great change...

Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant...

But, like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those

Older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd be.

Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day!

And taking a nap is not a treat anymore... it's mandatory!

'Cause if I don't on my own free will... I just fall asleep where I sit!

And so, now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared

For all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability

To go and do things that I wish I had done but never did!!

But, at least I know, that though the winter has come,

And I'm not sure how long it will last...

This I know, that when it's over... Its over...

Yes, I have regrets.

There are things I wish I hadn't done...

Things I should have done, but indeed,

There are many things I'm happy to have done.

It's all in a lifetime...

So, if you're not in your winter yet...

Let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think.

Whatever you would like to accomplish in your life, please do it quickly!

Don't put things off too long!!

Life goes by quickly. So, do what you can today,

As you can never be sure whether this is your winter or not!

You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life...

So, live for today and say all the things you want your loved ones to remember...

And hope they appreciate and love you for all the things

You have done for them in all the years past!!

Life is a gift to you.

The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after.

Make it a fantastic one.

~ And, Remember ~

"It is health that is real wealth

And not pieces of gold or silver."

*May You always have Love to Share, Health to Spare and Friends that Care!

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Vertigo

Thanks to David M.

Vertigo

Pamplona-style Bull Fight

Thanks to David H.

Tchaikovsky Flashwaltz at Hadassah Hospital

Thanks to David H.

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