Sunday Family Humour 20th January

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY

Thanks to Ray M.

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ...

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

Bank Loan To A Scotsman

Thanks David H.

Paddy a Scotsman walks into the Bank of England in Central London and asks for the manager.

He tells the manager that he is going to Australia on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.

The manager tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so Paddy hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the Log Book and everything checks out. The manager agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's Manager and staff all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Scotsman for using a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, Paddy returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41.

The manager says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire.

What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"

Paddy replies, "Where else in London can I park my Ferrari for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return."

Ad Art

Thanks to Brian M.

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8 aromatic indoor herbs that purify air naturally

Thanks to David M.

This is a collection of some house plants which help clean the air in the room from pollution,

bad smell and lower carbon dioxide naturally.

Some of them repel biting insects, other invite useful wasps that kill the parasites on the other plants.

Most of those plants below will live in perfect coexistence near each other (except the mint, if planted in the same box or pot).

They will also not grow too tall and wide, so you can fill small spaces around your windows and not risk stumbling upon them all the time.

Rosemary in pot

Rosemary

Some use this herb for cooking, other use it as a herbal tea.

As with all plants having needle-like leaves, the rosemary (Rosmarinus officinalis L.) is evergreen and can be held indoors in the whole winter, still leaving pleasant aroma.

Most of the needle-leaved plants are very good purifiers, especially for humid winter air. They breathe carbon dioxide and exhale oxygen. Rosemary is not exception.

The most important function of this herb is its ability to improve cognitive function and shield the brain from free radicals.

And the presence of this plant in the room is enough in the long run. Rosemary still exhales some of its essential oils in the room (you don't need to boil it in a tea infusion to benefit from it).

Lavender blooming

Lavender (Lavandula spica L.)

You need to check if you are not allergic first, but this herb makes very good house plant.

It is excellent insect repellent.
The aroma relaxes the lungs and helps for calmer night sleep.
The aroma (also) helps relax if you suffer from anxiety.

If you don't want to buy oil lamp for aromatherapy or sleep with lit aroma candle beside your bed - have a pot of Lavender growing on your bedroom window. It loves sunlight so - don't deprive it or it will refuse to bloom.

At late autumn, the sunlight will be insufficient, so gather the seeds when the plant withers and reseed them at early spring.

The soil is best to be sandy and not too rich (exclude compost and fertilizers) and the plant is best kept in a pot with good drainage. Don't drown the roots or you risk losing the whole plant.

Basil

(Ocimum basilicum L.) a.k.a. Basil is one well known herb and spice.

Naturally it is spread in Asia and North Africa but can easily be cultivated for all climates and domesticated.

Grows about 1-2 feet long with small white blossoms and wide leaves.

The fruit is small 4-seed nut that dries and drops by itself at autumn and can be reseeded in the next Spring.

The rich aroma and the pleasant peppery taste are only one part of the coin. It can be also used as herbal tea and as all other plants will reduce the Carbon Dioxide in the room.

Gather some leaves for the salad and leave enough smaller leaves for it to grow.

Mint

Mint (Mentha spicatta L.)

The best herbal tea for winter.

The best plant for indoor planting.

There are many subspecies which are also called Mint. They include plants suitable with cooking with dry beans, plants suitable for baking meat, others suitable for extracting fragrant oils for perfumery and scent lamps and dozens more.

All of them has few things in common:

They make the air easier to breathe if you have lung disease.
They have very pleasant aroma.
They attract one small wasp when blooming. The wasp kills some parasites on other plants or injects eggs inside them.
They make excellent herbal tea or tasty cooking spice.
They love sun and water but are incredibly easy to grow.

You can cut a branch and leave it in a glass of water for one week. It will grow very potent roots and you can plant it everywhere.

From the main root system often grow additional spin offs which you can use or replant elsewhere.

In my own terrace garden, the mint is often partly rooted and removed, because the root is quite invasive and strong (smothers and kills other plants around the mint).

Jasmine

(Jasminum officinale L.)

Jasmine opens its flowers between 6 and 8 PM, when the temperature is lower.

Having Jasmine aroma when dining is very pleasant.

Having jasmine tea is also very good. (Just bruise some petals in a cup and pour boiling water. Cover for 10 minutes with a small dish).

In China and India, it is mixed with green tea leaves and tumbled until the green tea absorbs all the fragrance form the Jasmine.

In fact - Jasmine tea bags bought from store are actually green or Oolong tea with Jasmine scent.

And even if Jasmine is not completely robbed from healing properties, Iit is better used as an evening house fragrance and air purifier.

I strongly recommend you grow this plant. It is not very expensive.

Rose geranium

Geranium

Geraniums, (Pelargoniums) are more than 200 kinds.

For all of them is valid:

Excellent aroma if you can tolerate it.
Mosquitoes repellent.
Don't attract most of the parasites which suck plants dry.
Looks excellent when blooming.
Purify air.
A detached cutting can be grown by just re-planting it. Takes about a week to grow new roots.
Don't need much care. Can live without water for 2 weeks in cold days.
More sun = more blossoms.

If you are still not convinced or not having too much botanical knowledge - this is the best houseplant for beginners.

Even more: Rose geranium (Pelargonium roseum Willd.) can be used as a helpful herbal tea in Diabetes melitus (type 2). It lowers blood glucose levels very quick.

Blooming Coffea arabica

Coffee plant

Coffee plant (Coffea arabica L.) CAN be domesticated easier than an avocado seedling.

There are above 120 subspecies Coffee plants, with sub-gene arabica being most famous and easy to grow at home.

They are spread worldwide and you probably don't know how good this plant can be indoors.

It blooms in white and smells so refreshing in the morning, you will probably skip your coffee beverage and just breathe.

The normal coffee plant can grow to a small tree (3 meters), but indoors in a pot, it is quite compact - 1 meter (3 feet).

Takes about 4 years until it starts blossoming and if you allow sufficient sunlight and help germination from small wasps and bees - you can grow your own coffee beans.

Roast and grind them to coffee :) one plant provides about 50 grams dry coffee mass (~ 2 ounces). Sufficient for one week.