(Eulogy written for my brother-in-law, Marvin Abrams)
Over the years, in all the places I have lived, and among all of the people I have met or befriended, I have always carried this Abe Arbus badge of family pride with me! No matter where…regardless…
And when our Marvin passed on a few days back, for the first time I found myself explaining to friends and people at work how much I appreciated him, how grateful I am to have been his “brother”…for this was a guy no one could have ever spoken a discouraging word about…for all of us loved Marv- dearly!
Yes, he was the epitome of “a great guy”!
And as I look out at you all today, my family and friends of my family, we who are often too loud- often a bit too audacious, perhaps stubborn…I ask you this question:
Can there be one amongst us who has ever felt anything less than warmth and tenderness for this man?
So I appreciate, so I am grateful, Marvin, for the time you taught me about being gentle. It was 1952, my first memory of you, when I was four, and it was the afternoon of your marriage to my sister Myra. The wedding was at Fellerman Hall, downtown Paterson, a place that for a little kid seemed like the mansion at the top of the hill, and I remember you taking me by the hand, helping me up this daunting flight of great stone stairs leading to this great hall, all the while assuring me, playfully…
So I appreciate, so I am grateful, for the time you taught me about warmth, two years later when you returned from the service, the family meeting you at the Staten Island Ferry, and you this big tall soldier man, khaki uniform pressed, all smiles and hugs, and back and forth between your long legs, you would fling me, over and over, continuing that “flinging” thing through the years.
So I appreciate, so I am grateful for the time you taught me about forgiveness when you shook off any anger or retribution after I had poured all of the expensive French toilet water you had bought for Myra down the bathroom toilet in Elmwood Park, though I think my sister would still like to kill me!
So I appreciate, so I am grateful for the time you taught me about loyalty and handling loss. It was 1963, Elmwood Park, and you, my father and sister, and I were painting the new house while listening to the World Series on the radio. And you and I spent the hours agonizing over Koufax striking out 15 Yankees, my father and sister cheering of course with each pitch, and I remember crying, dripping wet with paint. And you consoled me, assuring me “our team” would come back next year! Yes, like most everyone in the family, I had been a Dodger fan until my new brother-in-law showed up, and that was that!
So I appreciate, so I am grateful for the time you taught me about courage and modesty. You used to take me with you when you played basketball at the “Y”, and I was there when you broke your pinky, and you went down hard in pain but wouldn’t come out, bent finger and all, not wanting to let your team down, and afterwards, insisting on first taking me home, despite your teammates’ offers to drive you to the hospital. Yup, I see you now in your basketball jersey, slumped over, grim-faced, elevated finger several inches over the steering wheel. One tough bird! One terrific role model!
So I appreciate, so I am grateful for the times you taught me about generosity and kindness. You would always let me stay at your house, loan me money till “something came up”. And remember the time you never hesitated letting me store all my worldly possessions in your garage when I moved back east from Arizona? I never did find out what you did with your family’s stuff to make room. And the care packages you would send every month when I was working in Saudi Arabia. Every month for four years. Who else would go through all that but you, Marvin?
So I appreciate, so I am grateful for the times you taught me about how to be a good son. Your relationship with my parents was more than a son-in-law, more than a son even, always supportive and respectful, always there. And Judy and I finally had an older brother when we really needed one! I know Myra loved you for this, and of course my parents worshipped you to the end!
So I appreciate, so I am grateful for the times you taught me about being supportive and dependable. With both my parents working in the store, and me being so active athletically, you would drive me and attend all my games all those years. And you were not just a surrogate father, you were one hell of a pitching coach as well, patiently teaching me how to throw a slider or curve ball. I owe so very much of my accomplishments in sports to you!
So I appreciate, so I am grateful for the time you taught me about modesty, humility, and respect. It wasn’t until 1985 when, visiting my mother who was staying with her “other son”, did I learn of the enormous prominence and respect you had earned in the Elmwood Park Jewish community. It was the night when all those admiring people attended a testimonial dinner in your honor, showering you with praise for those years you served as president of the synagogue. It was quite thrilling, though not surprising, to hear complete strangers pronounce accolade after accolade, though of course these tributes were nothing new to your family. But it was perhaps that very night I realized what kind of man you were, this hard-working devoted father, husband, son, brother, and Abe Arbus family circle member. And there you were, totally embarrassed, red-faced- once and for all hearing about what a special guy you are, and I am sure my sister and niece Mindy had to drag you to the hall that night, as I never knew you to need your good deeds articulated, your ego stroked, to require any recognition for your acts of selflessness!
So I appreciate, so I am grateful for the times you taught me the meaning of hard work when you helped me find my first paying job, delivering the Newark Star Leger, and later when I was broke again, somehow you convinced some friend to hire me as an airport limo driver. I know that all those years you worked as a meat salesman and candy store owner made an impression on me.
So I appreciate, so I am grateful for the last time we spoke, and you taught me about mourning and soul, as it was this past Yom Kippur , and when David, during his sermon, alluded to the tragedy of the boys perishing in the fire many years ago, you leaned over to me and said: “I should have gotten up there sooner”. My heart kind of broke then, but I just nodded, out of respect for a man who lived to perform goodness and sacrifice for others.
And finally, dear Marvin, so I appreciate, so I am grateful for the times you taught me about love- and how to love a wife and your children. Over the years, my son Shaazy has looked up to you and loved you, not only as “Uncle Marv”, but as his Jewish grandfather. Of this I am certain!
So now, today Marvin, after 18 years of living down in Florida, moving to the Sunshine State from this place called the “Garden State” just to be close to my mother Anne, you finally get to return “home” to where you never wanted to leave, where you would have moved back to in a heartbeat!
So now maybe your heart does beat again, though silently for us, once more!
Always a mensch, always a role model, always a friend, and not just to me: forevermore the Brother all of us here today had always craved for and have been blessed with!
October 12, 2009
Paterson, New Jersey