Uncle John Wayne

photo  courtesy of  Abe Arbus Family Circle

There was that time in the early 70s when we streaked John Wayne down in Bisbee, Arizona.

And as he leaned over the hotel veranda railing scowling down into the street, the big movie star looked angry enough to draw a 6-gun on us:

no sense of humor…!

But our “John Wayne” always enjoyed a good laugh, like that blistering day in July, 1951, when he and his partner-in-crime drove down from Julie’s Bakery to Myra and Marv’s wedding, delivering this enormous wedding cake he had made, the car without air conditioning, and by the time they got to Paterson, the entire shape of the cake resembled a flat tire, with Aunt Doris diving into the backseat, yelling for him to “step on it”, the cake dripping everywhere, squirting cream everywhere, and when they finally got to Fellerman Hall and jumped out of the car, with four hands sculpting away at the thing, and tears of laughter running down their faces…they reinvented slap-stick, those two…

And speaking of cakes, some of my earliest memories of my uncle were him walking into our packed house in Paterson during the high holy days, Bubby and everybody animated and delighted, and him armed with 2,3,4 big brown bags overflowing with breads, cookies, pies and tarts, rolls and bagels, and that authentic Arbus smile emanating from his generous and benevolent face…

This “John Wayne” was a straight shooter; a man who did what he decided was right, instead of talking about it.

Years ago my cousins were victims of the north Jersey floods, losing furniture, rugs, and even parts of the floor and walls. So about a week later, a very large check suddenly appeared in their mailbox, out of nowhere…well actually Florida: not from some insurance company- they all knew just who it came from…

An action guy…

And the time many years ago before that, it was Father’s Day, and he drove down from the Bronx after work on Sunday to a Jersey cemetery to visit his father, and then realizing his brother Harry and a few others were buried somewhere else.

So the next day “John Wayne” got on “his horse”, made a few calls, wrote another huge check, and suddenly the Abe Arbus Family Circle had a resting place at Beth-El in Paramus; “the whole family should be together”.

And there are so many more “action” stories, like challenging a group of guys who were harassing customers and stealing from Julie’s Bakery and kicking the biggest one’s ass (of course they never showed their faces again!), or visiting his big sister Anne in the nursing home, every day for almost 2 years, while she lay stricken with Alzheimer’s, or bringing along his young nephew Stanley when he and Aunt Doris would go to the Catskills with the other couples: of course our “John Wayne” unconditionally loved his own kids, Alan, Marty, and Linda- but he also was “a dad” to so many of us, especially when we needed that tough guy on our side…

But then there was his “queen”, his soulmate, or should we simply refer to her as “Calamity Jane”? Boy, talk about an ideal match, right from the very beginning when he left for boot-camp and wouldn’t marry her (though deeply in love) in case he didn’t come back, but then deciding to BRING her down to Fort Dix and get married before he shipped off to WWII Europe.

And those years in Rockaway, or those dude ranch holidays, or Hawaii with the kids. There’s was an eternal honeymoon, the envy of all of their family and friends…John Wayne and Calamity Jane…Boggie and Bacall…

Then those last tough years when Aunt Doris was hospitalized. Uncle Sam visited her everyday, twice a day (much to the consternation of the nursing and cafeteria staff of course!). Loyalty and Love. Peanut butter and jelly. Abbot and Costello! These two were some teammates!

 “Uncle Sam, what if Judy and Tehmina were to take care of Aunt Doris while you, Shaaz, and I drive up to Jersey for the picnic”? I asked him a few summers ago. I learned more about who my uncle really was right then and there from that familiar “Arbus look” he gave me, along with his concise and sincere response: “I can’t leave my girl”.

Nuf said.

Our “John Wayne” refused to give up or give in right to the very end. No wheelchairs, nursing homes, or asking for rides to the grocery store. ¾ blind and despising his hearing aid, he and his oversized Mercury barreling down Military Trail, even a few hours before his giant heart just ran out of juice.

So “John Wayne” passed away a short few hours before his 73 wedding anniversary, and when he later surprised “Calamity” up there in heaven with a huge bouquet of red roses, his “girl” simply put on some hip Sinatra, and grabbing each other by the waist, eyes locked singing along together… they danced and swirled, singing all the words, and they are still dancing and singing…

As so should we: he said this to me just a few weeks ago: “Life is for the living”, and I remembered my mother saying that too!

Damn, it must run in the family!