REFERENCE: CFC MISSIONS HANDBOOK 2014, APPENDIX D, 47 – 56.

PASTORAL ONE-ON-ONE 

A Guide

A proper “Pastoral One-on-One”, or Pastoral One-to-One, is essential to the life and mission of Couples for  Christ.     Through this  important  role  that  the  household  leader must  perform, the  body  of  Christ grows and glows in its mission to evangelize the world for Him.    It is, thus, a very critical function of a CFC leader that he/she must perform for each and every member directly under him/her.    While each couple household leader has pastoral care for those couples directly under them, the male leader must shepherd each male member in his household more closely as his female counterpart must with hers.  This is  consistent with the qualities  of  an effective  household leader – that of being caring, life-giving and inspiring to members.

This pastoral responsibility must be done as a regular semestral activity in order for the leader to know, understand and help a member in the latter’s relationship with God, family and community.  This twice a year activity allows for a more regular pasturing of each member while cognizant of the other roles and functions of each CFC member.   The duty to “shepherd the flock” redounds to the leader who, in the process, becomes grows in holiness. A loving and caring household leader makes the pastoral one on one an important part of his service in the community. It is one’s avenue to cascade God’s love for his creation through one’s caring behavior as a household leader.

A regular and effective one-on-one will achieve the following purposes:

1. It brings the leader to a greater understanding of the areas of a member’s spiritual life that need focus  and  follow-through,  particularly  in  the  latter’s prayer life and consistent practice and obedience to the CFC covenant and the holy sacraments.

2. It  creates and deepens  the  bond  between  the  leader and the member through the former’s manifesting his/her care and concern.

3. It  allows for intercessory prayers to be made for and on behalf  of  both  the  leader and  the member by each other.

4. It  helps the leader evaluate his/her own consistency as a steward of God and heightens the aspiration to lead a holy life through the CFC covenant, holy sacraments and a regular  prayer time.

5. It is an avenue for the leader to gauge the readiness of a member to serve in a greater capacity in the CFC community.

6. It is a way for leaders to grow in wisdom and exercise the virtues of patience, kindness, humility, perseverance and self-control, among others.

7. It provides for a process to further enhance the life and mission of CFC through feedback from members, particularly, in their relationship with other members of the community through their household and participation in the community’s activities.

8. It  enhances  and  strengthens  the  family  life  of  both  member  and  leader  through  proper counselling by the former aided by the grace and wisdom of God.

9. It widens the leader’s perspective of service and openness to serve God in other capacities as a consequence of this helping attitude that is developed.

10. It  deepens one’s dependence on the grace of God as the architect of all solutions.

11. It is an avenue for the household leader to receive feedback from the member on the former's qualities as a leader and in his/her performance of his/her pastoral and service roles.

How is a pastoral one-on-one different from a concern-type and a fellowship-type one-on-one?

An  effective  pastoral  one-on-one  referred  to  here  is  a  pre-scheduled  activity,  normally  months  in advance.  It is different and separate from a concern-type one-on-one that arises from issues brought out be either the leader or the member that requires immediate and decisive resolution.  Examples of the  latter  are:    Family  problems  that  a  member  brings  up  with  the  leader  for  advice,  personality differences,  clarifications  regarding official  CFC  pronouncements, and the  like.     Pastoral  one-on-ones are  also  different  from  fellowship-type  one-on-ones,  although  a  fellowship  (e.g.,  dinner,  merienda, picnic, etc.) may be part and parcel of a pastoral one-on-one session.

Who should conduct pastoral one-on-ones?

A leader who handles a household must conduct pastoral one-on-ones with each member of the same sex.      Occasionally, a household  couple  leader (both  husband and wife)  may  jointly  conduct  a  couple pastoral one-on-one and may, in the same meeting, separate – male to male and female to female – to address more specific and, sometimes, personal concerns brought about by the individual members.

When should pastoral one-on-ones be held?

A few months before a pastoral one-on-one, preferably during the first few meetings of a newly created or  reorganized  household,  the  household  leader  identifies  and  agrees  dates  with  each  household member.   It is recommended that a pastoral one-on-one be done every 6 months to ensure that agreed upon action steps are followed through and monitored, as the case may be.

Where should it be held?

Any place that is conducive to uninterrupted conversation and group prayer is ideal.   The home of the member is preferred as the leader is able to observe the family interaction more closely, shows how the host  comports  himself/herself  to  the  household  leader  –  different  from  the  usual  household  prayer meeting setting, and allows for the member to discuss sensitive issues in a more familiar environment. 

However, the member’s home is not the only place that could be made available.   There are household members  who  may  not  be  comfortable  sharing  their  concerns  to  the  household  leader  while  other members of the family are present.   Thus, the household member may suggest a different and more appropriate venue.

What should the household leader prepare for for the pastoral one-on-one?

The household leader must be mentally, emotionally and spiritually prepared for the pastoral one-on-one before the scheduled meeting.   Thus, the following must take place:

1. Individual prayer time

2. Intercession for the  grace of God  for the one-on-one that  is about  to take place.

   • Praying for God’s grace ensures a meaningful and fulfilling pastoral one-on-one.

3. Scripture reading.

   • This is part of the CFC covenant.   Regular reading enhances one’s sense of receiving God’s guidance through the daily liturgical readings.

4. Spiritual  books  reading.

   • For  those  who  do  not  make  it  a  habit  to  read  spiritual books,  it  is recommended that on the week of the one-on-one,  a deliberate attempt is made to purchase and read books that will nourish our souls.  This is consistent with the maxim that “you cannot give what you do not have.”  We must be first nourished before we can nourish others.

5. Recent  visit to the  priest  for  the sacrament of  reconciliation.

   • Confession to  the  priest once every six months, at the very least, purifies the soul, empties it for God’s wisdom and grace to flow through, aiding the household leader conduct the pastoral one-on-one in a very powerful way.

6. Mental  notes  on  the  salient  points  that  need to  be  covered.

   • A  general set of  questions  are outlined  in  the  next  section  that  will  guide  the  one  conducting  the  pastoral  one-on-one.   However, notes may be made handy for concerns observed or advised to the leader by others that may either need help, clarification, counselling, etc.

7. Follow up items from the previous pastoral-one on ones and other one-on-ones (i.e., concern-type  and  fellowship-type  one-on-ones).

   • The  leader  must  take  notes  in  every  one-on-one, preferably in a notebook that is kept in a safe place.    Notes should contain relevant details of the member (please see next few sections), concerns and action steps.

Should the six months interval be strictly observed?

Yes and no.  As a rule, at least once every six months there must be a pastoral one-on-one, to ensure that the development of the spiritual life of the member is consistently tracked.   However, it does not preclude  the  leader,  or  the  member,  from  doing  a  concern-type  one-on-one,  as  a  follow-up  shortly thereafter to the regular pastoral one-on-one meeting.    This is especially helpful when there are issues that need conscious,  deliberate and resolute follow-through.  Some leaders do a  quarterly pastoral one-on-one to enable them to monitor the progress of their members in their spiritual growth.

What should be discussed during the pastoral one-on-one?

In  the  initial  pastoral  one-on-one,  particularly  if,  the  leader  and  members  are  not  familiar  with  each other – especially, about their spiritual and religious involvements -  the following getting-to-know-you type questions may be asked:

1. CLP History (Date and place graduated; under which area)

2. Past CFC Service History

3. Other Religious Affiliations

4. Children Involved In Religious Groups

5. Other Personal Details

Subsequent pastoral one-on-ones with the same household may omit the above and proceed with the three major  areas of  discussion.  The list  below  are, by  no means,  complete and should be  used as a general  guide.        Household  leaders  may  delve  into the  details  of  general  questions  and  may  pursue other relevant topics, as well.   However, in order for the household leader to conduct a meaningful and effective pastoral one-on-one, he/she must immerse himself/herself in the Catholic faith, i.e., observing the  sacraments,  actively  participating  in  CFC  activities,  following  the  CFC  covenant,  etc.      Household leaders who are not committed to following the faith may be hesitant to conduct pastoral one-on-ones, feeling inadequate for the purpose.    This may be true in many instances, but is not necessarily true for a  household  leader  who  decides  to  commit  to  the  faith,  or  makes  an  effort  despite  the  seeming inadequacy, and/or prays for the grace of God that is all-empowering.   Intention and effort are blessed by God’s grace.

The questions below are just guides.   Those conducting the pastoral one-on-ones may modify, add on and/or modify each of the topics below as they deem fit.

Relationship with God

1. How is your prayer time?

2. How do you pray and when is the best time for you to pray?

3. What aids do you use to enhance your prayer time?

4. Do you read scripture regularly?

5. How frequent and when?  Methods you use.

6. Do you regularly read spiritual books that inspire and deepen your relationship with God?

7. What books have you read lately?

8. Do  you  want  to  improve  your  prayer  life?  Have  you  taken  steps  to  actualize  this  need  for improvement?  (You may be able to handle the nuances of this question by coming prepared, i.e., reading books on prayer, engaging a priest or spiritual director, praying for the grace to give a good advice)

9. Have you improved in the areas of:  prayer time, scripture reading, sacraments, spiritual books reading, etc., since you joined CFC/the last pastoral one-on-one?

10. What action steps should you make to improve your prayer life?

11. Do you give tithes regularly? (Explain why tithes is a manifestation of one's commitment to God through the community, as well as, giving back to Him part of the blessings one receives.)

Relationship With Family

1. How is your relationship with your spouse?

2. Has it improved since you joined CFC/the last pastoral one-on-one?  Please describe how?

3. How is your sex life?

4. What are your main concerns with your spouse?

5. What are your concerns about your children?

6. What are your concerns about your in-laws and relatives?

7. Are there areas of unforgiveness and healing that need to transpire?

8. How do you intend to approach such concerns?

9. What do you want me to intercede for you in prayer?

10. Do you pray together as a couple?  As a family?  What do you want to improve one in this area?

11. What action steps should you make to improve your family life?

Relationship With Community

1. How is your relationship with members of the community in general?

2. Are you growing in your spirituality through the CFC community?

3. Is/Are  there  concerns  with  members  of  the  community  that  you  would  like  to  discuss?  Cite specific situations.

4. Do you think that your concerns with brethren may or are hindering you  from advancing your spiritual growth?  Why or why not?

5. What action steps should you make to improve your relationship with brethren in community?

6. As your household leader, have I said or done anything that has caused you hurt?

7. How have I been as a household leader to you?

8. What behaviours/actions did I exhibit as your household leader that inspire you/needs improvement?

Why is strict confidentiality very important to the pastoral one-on-one process?

Many areas of a person’s life is seldom discussed openly, much less with a stranger.   A household leader is entrusted with many details of his/her member’s life.   It is imperative that utmost confidentiality is observed. 

As  such,  the  leader  must  clearly  emphasize  at  the  start  of  the  pastoral  one-on-one  the observance of strict confidentiality during the life of the member in the community and thereafter, i.e., no mention is made without the permission of the member of any detail that is discussed in the pastoral one-on-one.

A household leader’s role as shepherd to his member is critical to winning souls for Christ.   Once that trust is broken due to confidentiality breaches, the household leader may find it extremely difficult to restore such trust back.   The member may, in the process, leave the community and, worse, lose self-esteem, self-respect and his/her Faith.

The household leader must be life-giving and inspiring by his/her example to gain, win and/or restore the trust of the member.    He can only be so if he/she is a man/woman of prayer.

What should be the attitude of the household leader during the pastoral one-on-one?

The pastoral one-on-one is an important step in the spiritual development of not only the member but also the household leader.   In order for the sanctity and confidentiality of the discussions  to be kept faithful and in order for the pastoral one-on-ones to be life-giving for the member (and for the leader, in the process), the leader must constantly pray for the following:

1. Not to be judgmental, controlling and dominating during the discussions

2. Preconceived biases towards the household member be taken away by God

3. Have the self-control to keep the discussions in strict confidence

4. Have a listening ear and a kind heart

5. Be imbued with the wisdom by God to say the right words

6. Be humble to admit that he/she does not know all the answers to the concerns to be brought forth

What are the next steps after conducting a pastoral one-on-one?

A phone call, a short email or a face-to-face follow-up session would surely have to happen in order to follow through on the discussions made previously.   Depending on the gravity of the concern and the priority placed by both the household leader and member on such, the appropriate next step must be done.    The frequency is left to the discretion of the household leader.   It is essential that the concerns are addressed at the soonest possible time.

Can the household leader realistically accomplish all of the above?

Pastoral one-on-ones are part and parcel of the life and mission of CFC.   The care and concern that is shown by the household leader is the catalyst for the spiritual growth of the member.   The challenges faced  by  the  household  leader  enhance  his  own  spiritual growth.       God  manifests  his  faithfulness  to those who get out of their  comfort zones to  serve Him.   He has chosen you to tend his sheep in the same way that He chose the seemingly unworthy fishermen, tax collectors and sinful to be his apostles.  If He was able to make them powerful evangelizers, how much more with you whom He will definitely empower and equip.   He will organize your schedules and activities because you choose to glorify Him through your service.     Your generosity in  service is reciprocated manifold by the Lord.   He cannot be outdone in this space.  We just need to ask in prayer.

REFERENCE: CFC MISSIONS HANDBOOK 2014, APPENDIX D, 47 – 56.