1. Avalon Hall drew about 300 people to watch a gifted pianist play Mozart.

2. Soon after, Warhol Hall, Avalon's tenacious competitor, drew twice that number to watch a semi-gifted but extremely sexy, former soap opera actress/pianist play Mozart.

3. "Getting it", a few months later Avalon Hall drew over a thousand to watch a modestly talented female (former "Miss Michigan") pianist play Mozart -- topless.

4. Upping the ante, the next year Warhol Hall drew a capacity crowd of over 2,000 people to watch a mediocre -- but charismatic and very "hot" former "Playmate" pianist play Mozart in the nude. Concert impresarios around the country sat up.

5. The U. C. field house weighed in next and drew 5,500 people to watch a less-than-mediocre but gorgeous, charismatic, and very "hot" nationally syndicated television aerobics instructor/pianist play Mozart in the nude with a fabulous background laser show. Cleverly, the piano bench was angled so her thighs were spread toward the audience -- whose gazes often lingered between them when transported by the beautiful music.

6. This got the attention of promoters at the Hockey Palladia-Drome, who, the following season, amazingly managed to attract 8,000 people -- mostly middle-aged women -- to watch a lame-o but charismatic and very "hot" male Calvin Klein model/pianist play Mozart in the nude with a fabulous background laser show. To the delight of the crowd, he occasionally kicked his piano bench away and played standing up, writhing with intense sexual body language and maintaining an erection throughout the entire concert.

7. Picking up on the lucrative cultural trend, 8 months later the always-on-the-cutting-edge Stanfish Auditorium drew 3,500 people per night for two straight weeks to watch a delightful "in-her-third-year-of-piano-lessons" but genuinely charismatic and very "hot" former Hustler centerfold pianist play Mozart in the nude with a fabulous background laser show. In addition to occasionally kicking her piano bench away and playing standing up and writhing with intense sexual body language, she occasionally abandoned the piano completely between selections to leap wildly about the stage -- often bending over backwards to display her cueball-smooth vagina to the audience.

8. The following May the Garden cancelled their normally scheduled circus and exposed the "great unwashed" to Mozart when they drew 20,000 people/night for an entire week to watch a drop-dead-gorgeous and totally slutty 14 year-old female would-be pianist “finger-sync” Mozart in the nude -- with a fabulous background laser show and nude background dancers. Moreover, she repeatedly kicked her piano bench away and played standing up, writhing with intense sexual body language and occasionally stopping to feign (my impression) masturbating while lasciviously sticking out her tongue at the audience. Accompanying the Mozart "tracks" were blasting drums.

9. Smelling the money, as well as the chance to bring high culture to the masses, in July Yankee Stadium staged its "Mozart In Heat" extravaganza -- filling the stadium with music lovers to watch 5 no-talent but gorgeous "Rockette" level, totally "hot" 20-something females finger-sync Mozart in the nude on small portable "strap-on" keyboards (allowing them to move freely about the stage) with fabulous background laser lights and on-stage fireworks. Additionally, while finger-syncing they were periodically brought to what appeared to be genuine orgasms whenever they straddled and humped their nude African-American "piano benches" -- all this to the accompaniment of Surround-Sound blasting drums and gut-throbbing bassed-out Mozart tracks.

10. Finally, in what has now truly set the standard for today's serious Mozart concerts, recently the Los Angeles Coliseum filled up, 100,000 strong, for a repeat of the Yankee Stadium bash, but with (in a culture-nurturing gesture by the city fathers) pot-smoking and consensual sex permitted during the concert. Remarkably, at least in this writer's opinion, in no way was the profoundly moving music of Mozart in any way compromised by these crowd-pleasing additions.

After the show -- an exhausted but fully satiated crowd.