Here's a paragraph about an important experience in a girl's life.
I was in a car accident last week. I was leaving baby-sitting. I got hit by a pickup. It wasn’t my fault, really. It was a pretty bad accident. I was in the hospital for a while after. It hurt a lot. My mom was worried about me. I was injured pretty badly, but I got better.
How'd she do? Could she represent the experience more vividly? Could she help us to know what it was like to live that moment? That would be good writing... that would be SHOWING instead of TELLING
Waving gaily over my shoulder, I eased down the long gravel driveway. In the mirror I could see Paul’s mother waving his little hand for him, telling him “Say ‘bye-bye, Anna.’ Say ‘bye-bye’” Another long day of babysitting over. I looked out the passenger window and watched the sun as it slowly fell to the earth, making the sky glow with shades of pink and orange. The digital clock on the dashboard read 8:32. If I hurried, I would make the nine o’clock movie.
As I reached the end of the driveway, I slowed and stopped. I looked to my right--no cars--and then to my left. A blooming row of thick bushes stood in my way, blocking my view. I moved forward anyway. At the same time, a faded tan, run-down pick-up appeared from behind the bushes, speeding towards me. With no time to stop or speed up, I waited and watched as the pick-up lunged ahead.
The sound of screeching tires. A loud bang. Silence--darkness.
I opened my eyes slowly, and focused on the person standing above me, my mom. She started crying, and she tried to speak to me, but only silence filled my ears. I felt amazingly peaceful. I identified my surroundings as an emergency room. The doctors and nurses rushed around, poked me with needles, and shoved an oxygen mask in my face. A nurse walked in, said something to my mom, and took her from the room.
Suddenly the silence and the peace ended and the pain hit me. I gasped for air. My lungs desperately swallowed each and every drop of air from the oxygen mask. I began to cry. Each time I took a breath, pain emerged and then lingered inside my lungs. It became almost impossible to breathe.
Because of this overwhelming pain, I felt none from the gaping cut over my left eye which stretched almost two inches in length. Amazingly, it spared my eye and the precious muscles which surround it.
Soon the doctors and nurses completed their medical procedures and slowly exited the room. Still in discomfort, I lay in my mechanical bed and watched the saline as it dripped, drop by drop, from the IV bottle into the tube which led to my left arm. The soft beep of the heart monitor echoed against the bare walls of the still room. And as the demerol flowed through my body, soothing my pain, I realized--the movie went on without me.
--Anna Koonce
Your turn. Can you convert one of these paragraphs into good, vivid writing?
I have a best friend, Michelle, who is also my cousin. She gets mad at me a lot for hanging out with my other friends. But I know my best friend pretty well. She can’t stay mad at me for more than a couple of hours. I also get mad at her for the same reason, except in different words. I know that Michelle will always be there if I need her and she knows the same about me.
Some people do not like dogs. Sometimes you hear about dogs that bite kids or chase mailmen. Dogs will act, however, how they are trained. Dogs can be taught to do a lot that can be fun. Some people have stupid dogs, and they are best friends just because they are there.
There is a type of music called New Age Music. In music, New Age refers to a meditative, almost invariably instrumental style with roots in oriental, jazz, and classical music. Musicians and composers of this music try to create soothing audio environments, rather than follow song structures. Born of an interest in spirituality and healing in the late 1970’s, this music is meant to relax the listener. New age performers use traditional ethnic acoustic sounds, or sounds from nature.