Films with Izzy: Beowulf

Post date: November 2, 2022

By Isabella Norton

#6: Beowulf (2007)

Rating: 1 out of 5 stars

Summary: Have you ever read Beowulf? This is just that, but really, really bad.

Would You Enjoy It?: No. I don’t think anyone would enjoy this. The animation is nauseating to look at, invoking the uncanny valley with every shot. (Who in God’s name would want to watch a movie where every character model looks like a robot wearing human skin, pretending to be a person and failing miserably?) The lighting and surroundings are dismal and grimy, making it look like you’ve just stepped into a filthy dive bar rather than the residence of kings and noblemen and a vital part of Anglo-Saxon culture. That’s not even getting into the dialogue, or the characters, or the godawful distortions of the oldest known written work of the Western world. May I remind you that Beowulf as a story has had enough staying power to last in the cultural consciousness for about a millennium? There was no one clamoring for a film that took everything good and interesting about the epic and made it worse. And speaking of atrocious plot edits…

Summary (The actual one): I hate to break the rules of my own format, but this film already broke my streak of well-rated movies, so I’m allowing myself some leeway. So, this film does mostly follow the story of Beowulf beat-by-beat, except for a few incredibly important (and stupid, but we’ll get to that) changes. First off, they made King Hrothgar, a character who’s entire point is that he’s a good king besieged by a terrible monster, a miserable drunk who harasses his own wife and frequently cheats on her. Secondly, they made Grendel’s mother, who’s supposed to be an old, ugly hag, an incredibly gorgeous woman with little to no monstrous features, who only “fights” men via seducing them. Instead of having her be strong and violent, able to tear a man to shreds, she’s made into a pretty waif who uses her beauty to romance anyone who comes to kill her. Finally, and this is the most important part, when Beowulf enters her cave, she doesn’t seize him so he can be attacked by sea serpents. She just makes out with him instead, and Beowulf lies about killing her. Also, Hrothgar, the aforementioned adulterer, was apparently “tricked” by her as well. This means that Grendel is the King’s son by the way, and later in the story it’s revealed that Beowulf is the father of the dragon.

Final Thoughts: Do you see what I mean by atrocious edits? None of this was in the original epic, and it didn’t need to be. Beowulf is not a story about “heroic” men being “tempted” by a hot (but actually super evil) water lady and paying for their mistakes. Beowulf is about a superhuman warrior who fights monsters for his king’s glory, expressing loyalty to those who treat him well and bravery as he risks his life to protect others. None of these changes fit with the themes of the actual poem, nor would they even make a good, consistent story without the name of Beowulf slapped onto it. Beowulf is a one-dimensional paragon because that’s the point! He doesn’t need “nuance” by throwing a woman who’s only character trait is “hot” at him. He’s supposed to be the ideal Anglo-Saxon hero. If you wanted different, Beowulf’s not for you.