CAST
in order of appearance
Miller
Roma
Roman Chorus
INT. MILLER’S APARTMENT.
MILLER enters the stage from stage left. He carries a spoon and an empty container of Greek yoghurt, a forlorn look on his face.
MILLER
Oh, Greek yoghurt, Greek yoghurt, how I adore thee, Greek yoghurt. I have wandered these barren fields, these arid deserts, in search of thee, but alas— my efforts remain fruitless. I return to this humble abode empty handed and empty hearted, with nothing to show for my labor.
MILLER looks up in a sudden moment of realization.
MILLER
Perhaps, if I return to my homeland, I will at last find the yoghurt I seek.
MILLER walks about 10 feet to the other side of his apartment, where the word GREECE is written on the wall, next to the refrigerator. He opens the fridge, takes out a mundane cup of Greek yoghurt, and holds it up to the sky.
MILLER
Yoghurt! My quest has been completed. I have searched far and wide, only to find the Greek yoghurt in my own refrigerator. Oh gods, I have the yoghurt!
A knocking sound on the door to the apartment. ROMA emerges through a door center stage.
ROMA
Yoghurt, you say. How noble of thee to return to thine origins for yoghurt. What flavor, dearest Miller, is this yoghurt?
MILLER
Spaghetti, my dearest Roma. It's a limited edition flavour. I am told it was a favorite of my ancestors, and this is the very last one.
ROMA
Well as my Roman ancestors have taught me, spaghetti is better with the sauce of the tomato fruit. Let me see that yoghurt, and I will improve it.
MILLER
Very well then, take this yoghurt and improve it, I shall return shortly with a spoon as I have forgotten it.
MILLER exits through the center stage door leaving ROMA alone in the apartment.
ROMA
Bah, heritage. In this fine twenty and first century day, one must look from a globalized perspective. Miller is mistaken in his pursuit of le Greek yoghurt (spoken in a French accent). I aim to mend his ways.
ROMA eats MILLER's yoghurt slowly and dramatically, taking a minute and pausing every so often to make funny faces at the yoghurt. ROMA dies a slow, painful, and dramatic death, slowly falling to the floor while moaning in agony.
MILLER returns, shocked. He pauses for a moment and then snatches the empty yoghurt cup.
MILLER
How now? Oh me, the yoghurt gods have abandoned this barren Earth! I cry a rope! A rope to hang thee who has stolen the yoghurt from me!
The apartment floods. MILLER is scared so he runs away and trips and falls down the stairs. He ends up in a vat of Icelandic yoghurt and drowns.
THREE ROMANS enter the stage, celebrating and congratulating each other about their successful assassination.
ROMAN CHORUS (singing)
Joy to the world, Miller is dead
He now has yoghurt in his head
And in his eyes and ears and nose
And in his legs and feet and toes
Joy to the world, Miller is dead
And now his corpse we shall shred!