This is a story about two girls. One was a cheerful, blithe girl named Frappunzel. The other, we will meet later.
Frappunzel was not like other girls. First off, she was locked in a tower. Secondly, her hair was feet upon feet long, golden locks rarely disheveled. After all, she did not have much to do all day up in her tower, so she spent most of her time brushing and styling her hair.
Her sonorous voice would carry throughout the abandoned forest, reaching no one other than bunnies and deer, who often congregated at the base of the grand tower to listen to her soft, lilting music. Frappunzel was hardly a contentious girl. She got along well with any creatures who scaled the insuperable tower, often treating them to a snack before they retreated back to their woodland abodes.
Other than the occasional visit of these animals, Frappunzel’s life was quite lamentable. All she could do was clean the tower, read the same five books over and over (one of which was a math textbook on exponents and simple algebra and another was a child’s picture book), and brush her hair. Dear god, so much brushing of the hair. She constantly acquiesced to the urge to tame her golden locks. Her hair was beautiful. Her life was not.
Frappunzel’s mother was a ragged old woman with a smile that was always a bit askew. She would use Frappunzel’s hair as a rope to ascend the tower. Despite her age, she was rather sinuous and managed to pull herself up easily. Frappunzel was always crestfallen after this, because scrubbing boot marks out of thick hair is difficult. This required the finest products, crafted by the vanguard in hair care. You may have guessed it, but because Frappunzel lived in a tower in the middle of the woods, she did not have a job and therefore, did not have the money required to buy said products. Such is the way of life when you live seven stories above the forest.
One might assume that Frappunzel coveted these interactions with her mother, but sadly she did not. Unfortunately, her mother’s garrulous nature only made the visits tiring and sickening to the young girl. You know it’s bad when hair brushing is more interesting than her limited amount of social interaction.
One day, after her mother had climbed down the tower once more, Frappunzel heard a faint yell from the ground.
“Hello? Anyone up there?”
Frappunzel had been taught to stay silent in the presence of anyone but her mother.
“No? Alright, homeslice, I am coming up.”
Frappunzel did not know what a “homeslice” was. She was a bit scared to find out. She hoped that she was not a “homeslice.”
Suddenly, as soon as the yelling had started, it was replaced with heaving grunts as whoever the voice belonged to began to climb. A few minutes passed and then a man tumbled through the little window. Frappunzel was, understandably, very afraid.
“Woah!” the man said, looking around. “This place is sick, dude!”
Frappunzel was slightly concerned about the fact that a young man was standing in the middle of her room.
“Stay back!” she yelled, entering a Defensive Stance™. “I am RAD certified!”
“Woahh, I am rad too! Self love up in here, baby!” He ran to give her a high-five.
Frappunzel stood there, shocked. She touched her cheek defensively, feeling the little baby fat she had left. Maybe he didn’t mean to say baby. Either way, she considered the misnomer, knowing it was his mistake, as she was full grown.
She had not put her hand up for a high five, so his hand found purchase on her shoulder instead. He smiled. “Hey,” he drawled, winking a bit.
“Your attempts to allure me will make no difference, as I do not find you intriguing in the least.” She was prepared to use her R.A.D. skills on the young man in retribution for his advances if he did not yield.
“Oh, are you gay?”
“Yep. I’m gay but at least I’m not a wastrel like you who tresspasses on private property to seduce random girls!” Frappunzel professed. Suddenly, a girl jumped through the window.
“Did somebody say gay?”
“Yes!” Frappunzel exclaimed jumping into the striking girl’s arms, finding respite from her life’s problems in her embrace.
“Cool! I’m gay too!”
“Great! Let’s run away and get married in the countryside!”
And so they did.
THE END!