The Dungeon Master

What hasn't this fat fuck attempted?

• • Rape (Men, women and children)

  • Necrophilia

    • "He won't be able to leave the room until he fucks the corpse!"

  • Gay gangbangs

    • Azrail was raped into unconsciousness after being tag-teamed by twenty CoTW soldiers in one big, vivid buttfuck train.

  • Unwanted Orgies

  • See above

  • Wet Dreams (see: Nightmare)

  • Horribly grotesque degradation of women

    • "She's got like a blanched in face, must have got more of her dad. But her rack is fucking, HUGE."

    • "Well, her rack isn't that impressive, but she has a fucking great ass!"

    • To him women were living sex dolls. That's it.

    • Even when Ruby showed up for the first time, the most innocent of our cast, he tries to force his disgusting fantasies in right away. "Your tight leather armor strains against your chest and crotch. Climbing those rooftops made her really sweaty and hot. As you move along the rafters, you can't help but straddle the thick wooden shaft and grind your camel toe into it. Mmmm... (touching himself out of game) Make a check to resist moaning."

  • Worshiping a D&D character as a real god

  • Worshiping player of said D&D character as a god

  • Rewrote character backstories and concepts to better fit his fantasies and ideals

    • Made Azrail's assassin guild, a guild of rape happy furfags

    • Made the Company of the Wing, a noble order of paladins, into rape happy gay men

  • Racism (Driggers and Write Drevils)

  • Lying his fat ass off

    • "Yeah, I read all the drow source books"

    • "I swear I didn't make this up! That's what it said!"

    • "I could totally be an accountant, you guys know I'm great with math!"

    • "I could totally be an author, you guys know I tell great stories!"

    • "I'm not autistic."

    • "Ha, your fatter than me!"

    • "I DONT KNOW, OKAY?!" - when asked about his sexuality

    • "No, my uncle invented computers!"

    • "Yeah, I've got a special copy of oblivion. It lets me mod it on console, because my uncle made it and he gave me the only copy."

  • Feeling the need to "One Up" the players that he made into gods

  • Wanting to base an entire campaign around us protecting his DMPC from his "rabid fanbase of horny fangirls"

    • No shit, a whole quest was gonna be around us saving him from getting forcibly gangbanged by women. How Ironic.

  • Having serious ego issues

    • Tried to make the "DM" a god characters could worship

    • Created a set of gods that were seen as gods to the cannon gods, known as the "unknown gods". He himself was the father of the unknown gods

      • No kidding, an actual character named "[DM NAME HERE]" who was a super god of the gods of the gods

  • Having repressed incestual urges

    • In real life, but displayed within the game as his "release"

    • Tried to get azrail to fuck his mom. As a child.

    • Got off hardcore on Astrian fucking Ruby to sleep every night

    • "That's sick man. Do you want to fuck your mom or something?" - Concerned onlooker

"...I can TOTALLY see that happening!!" - DM when questioned on topic of incest

• • Masturbating in front of players

  • Groping self in front of players

  • Ejaculating on every piece of fabric in his hellhole of a room

    • Yes, this included all the chairs and bedspreads

      • You know, the things that guests sat on

        • US BEING THE FUCKING GUESTS

  • Failure to understand basic life concepts

    • Astrian's wife gets pregnant, she gives birth in two days, and the child is old enough to talk and fight in another two

    • Believed that if a pregnant woman was raped, her baby would transform to an X month old version of the rapists baby

    • Believed that ghosts could rape and impregnate

    • Believed that walking "at a brisk pace" can cover ten miles in five minutes

    • Didn't think that a group of people living on a small set of islands, who fish, would have BOATS

      • or understand what a map (MRAPEL) is.

    • "So for a job, i'll just be a professional DM. They make $400 an hour."

  • Based every campaign around one player and one player only

    • Didn't even matter what character that one guy played

    • Everyone else were the piss children

  • Based every campaign around sex, instead of, oh I don't know, ADVENTURE?

    • And not of the sexual kind you fuck

  • Kept a copy of Adolf Hitler's "My New Order" on his nightstand with several pages bookmarked.

    • Opens it with a smile on his face, just after ripping up a bible

  • Threw a hissy fit, tears and all, when he thought his mommy wasn't getting him Skyrim for Christmas

    • "This better be pretty fucking important, I'm smithing an IRON. DAGGER." - Upon being called two weeks after he received Skyrim, on Christmas

  • Everything of his was knock off or bootleg

    • Diet Mt. Rush

    • The Last Templar

  • "We don't have internet, we just take our neighbors."

  • Ruined every relationship and potential relationship with other people when he was around

    • "Hi, I'm DM. I'm pretty much the biggest pervert you'll ever meet!"

    • "Yeah I jerk off to that! And (childhood memory here)! And (childhood memory here)!"

  • No social skills what-so-ever

    • Honest to god believed that the socially accepted reaction to being in the presence of something you don't like (such as high heels or black people), is running away from it, screaming at the top of your lungs, and shoving anything in the way out of the way.

      • He pulled this shit in game too, with NPC's clearing the streets screaming whenever Azrail showed up. A dark elf.

  • No writing skills what-so-ever

    • Seriously he wrote like a three year old. At least, that's what even the fucking high school WOODSHOP teacher said

    • Misspelled everything

      • He misspelled "the"

        • HE FUCKING MISSPELLED 'THE" AS "TEH"

          • THAT'S NOT A TYPO. HE ACTUALLY THOUGHT THAT WAS HOW IT WAS SPELLED.

  • Gone on record admitting, that if he knew he had ten minutes left to live, he would attempt to rape a woman.

    • Another player of ours has gone on record stating that he would spend his last minutes killing DM to prevent him from accomplishing this task. As if he could, anyway.

  • Came in late to lunch every single day because he would make his mom pick his fat ass up and drive him home everyday the hour before. He owned a bike and lived ten minutes from the school

    • Came in one day with a tiny scrape on his knuckles and a "trying-too-hard-to-look-badass-look". Said his mom was being a bitch and could have either punched her or punched the wall. Tried to act like a hero, saying he was the bigger man by choosing the wall

    • Decided to try to break the ice one day at the table by opening with "So, women's rights... dumbest thing this country ever did, right guys?" We had several women at the table that day

Avatars of Darkness

Within this little section we here at EthraWiki have decided to briefly chronicle all of the DM's most infamous and putrid abominations of "OC's". You may wish to shield your eyes lest you be blinded by the bland concepts, sheer un-originality and overuse of the worst tropes, irritating and insulting personalities and voice acting, and a heaping helping of that trademark rapey-ness that permeated everything he touched. These monstrosities do not deserve their own pages here on Ethrawiki. They do not deserve attention. Or food. Or love. No. They deserve to fester here: within the sinkhole of this wiki, akin to maggots writhing in a festering pile of shit.

Devin, Destroyer of Purity

Devin was a human wizard's apprentice bitchboy, out "questing", or desperately seeking any strong jawed paladin men to dick ride. He was the blandest of DM's characters. Nothing too out there in terms of fetishes or tropes, just seemingly a quick wizard thrown together with no thought, except penis on the mind. Despite his rapey tendencies he never could act upon them, knowing the paladin would kill him, and was content to serve the party as a glorified pack mule. His high pitched shitish accent was finally silenced after several months when the DM grew bored of this character and decided to introduce a tweaked version. By having Devin birth the new one, chestburster style.

Thrandel, the Throbbing (or Soaking)

When Thrandel was birthed from the remains of the corpse of Devin, it had no defined gender. It began as what one would assume was a male (upon hours of intense study anyway), and used it's foul "DM Magic" to morph itself into the form of a female later in it's life cycle. Why? In order to act as the strong jawed paladin's MANDATORY love interest, of course. Thrandel's first moment of action, to showcase his new "sexuality" for the paladin, was to attempt to seduce a gang of burly bandit men who were terrorizing a town. We believed that the best way to go about doing this would be to set up an ambush with Thrandel acting as the helpless bait for a mugging. In Thrandels sick mind this simple theft translated to a "theft of his cherry", something that he was eager to give up. After all, the goodly paladin wouldn't be interested without some good physical stretching and competition. Upon going to initiate our plan of action, Thrandel decided to take matters into it's own greasy palms. It opened with the "long awaited" seduction roll. The first of many for Thrandel. Unsurprisingly he rolled a one. Despite the bandits need to stick a dick in something, this amorphous blob of flesh(?) and pus wasn't even up to their low standards. The DM RP'd this as Thrandel leaning over too far seductively and the about to be raped *insert audible moans and groping in real time :(((* After this all fell through and the bandits were defeated, The DM decided to shoehorn in a new plot. Thrandel would go missing, and the paladin was supposed to track it down so they could live happily fucking after. Despite the DM's wishes, the party was enthused to have Thrandel gone and were intent to keep it that way.

Keith, the Cucklord

Keith was a deva. We would say not a literal diva as in "haughty and temperamental", but sadly this was indeed the case. Keith began his humble journey as a desperate family man, battling the creatures of the arena he was forced to fight in for a chance at freedom. A chance to escape back to his home and his wife and child.

This breath of fresh air wouldn't last.

Once the DM realized how weak Keith was compared to the party, which wasn't surprising considering the sheer number of bullshit powers and items he gave to us, he surrendered any chance of making Keith likeable. The character quickly devolved into a carbon copy of the previous two: a high pitched squeally fanboy of the paladin, hellbent on worshiping the ground he walked in hopes of receiving a drop of liquid affection. Once the arena stage of the campaign was finished, Keith continued his ventures with the party for a short time. Each time DM would force a prostitute gangbang on the paladin, Keith would wait outside the door, listening intently. DM would have Keith roll will saves to see if he would forsake his vows and join the orgy, but to DM's dismay, he passed every check. This would lead to the DM screaming and slamming the splintering table in real life. This didn't dissuade him from his usual groping during the vivid scenes though. This pattern repeated a few times before Keith left the party. However, this wasn't the end.

Keith returned later on in the campaign a changed man. He returned with wondrous news of his escapades after he left the party. Upon returning home to his cloud city, where his loving wife and child awaited his return, he slaughtered them both so he wouldn't feel guilty anymore about cheating, and could stop jerking off outside the orgy rooms.

Spoiler: he still didn't stop.

Drizzt DoUrden, (DONUT STEEL!)

You may know Drizzt DoUrden, the male drow ranger made popular by the series of beloved Forgotten Realms books. With the increase in popularity of this character, it gave rise to the trope of people playing a good drow to emulate Drizzt. None that we know of took it as far as the DM. His good drow clone was just that. A clone. An exact carbon copy of the character, even down the name itself. The only notable differences on the surface were his choice of weapons, (a bow), and his familiar (a shadow snake). Next was the personality. Remove any of the compelling and likeable traits from the real Drizzt, and your left with this soulless husk: filled to the brim with the rotten jizz of a greasy, autistic, triple chinned homebody.

Crypt, the Nymphomaniac Amnesiac

After repeated criticisms from his players on his lack of originality with "Drizzt", the DM finally decided to create a new character in the same chestbursting fashion as before, but this time with a slight twist. Bursting from the chest of Drizzt came a being of a dark disposition, skills, and tone, but not like black people dark, because that's still beneath him. More like pitch black, because it goes full circle or something... Anyway, Crypt was a shade assassin, designed to follow Azra'il around, similar to how Keith did with Astrian. Unlike Keith, with his murderous desire to cheat on his wife and sleep with Astrian, Crypt had a different plan in mind. The DM was obssesed with the thought of Azra'il sleeping with corpses. This would never happen of course, but that didn't stop the DM from becoming jealous of Azra'il's non-existent sexcapades. His desire to fuck any corpse around was derived from a deep childhood trauma. At least that's what we assumed, as Crypt, like every other one of the DM's characters, suffered from amnesia.

Cane, or "me if I was an assassin."

Cane was, as the DM claimed, the most original character he had ever designed, and sadly the only truthful thing he could really say, as it took a ridiculous level of stupidity to create this character. In a hole in the ground (underneath a church with a solid floor), there lived an Assassin. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with endless worms and a rotten stench, nor a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing to sit down on or to eat: it was an autistic fucktawt's hole, and that means literally that of an ass. Cane was an immortal human/drow/shade/demon assassin, who's entire business plan depended on his customers randomly stumbling upon him, and just happening to need someone dead. This also assumes that random joe contract giver could survive the endless waves of undetectable traps in addition to finding the hidden entryway. Cane would never seek out anyone, nor advertise in the underbelly of his city. The DM described him as "Literally me if I was an assassin". So a lazy, retarded fuck, who can barely survive, and has no concept of being a functional member of society. Turns out he was very accurate.

This character was the origin for the hate that the DM had for Azra'il, before the racial issues or Astrian came along. For in his mind, Azra'il was a direct copy of Cane, whom until the DM had played him, none of the other players have ever heard of. Azra'il was originally a ranger. but at the request of the DM, changed to a rouge for better party composition. This was the first strike, despite the DM asking for it, as it was now a competition over who had the best assassin (in his mind only). The second strike was, also at the DM's suggestion, to change Azra'il to a drow, as his personality matched better compared to a wood elf. This was the second strike because Cane was the first drow player character to ever have been played, ever, in the history of Dungeons and Dragons. The third and final strike was that Azra'il was actually a functional and beneficial party member.

"DM", the all powerful... of shit

This was the last character we saw the DM put into action. It was the epitome of the DM's god complex. He grew tired of his DMPCs constantly being out-shined by the players. Players that he himself literally made gods in the story, and in terms of combat. To prove his superiority once and for all he crafted a being who would be, "The god of the gods of the gods". A character with no flaws, game breaking statistics, and named after himself. This may have been 4e where characters grow very powerful, but below is a list of the "God DMs" statistics:

• • 30,000 HP.

    • "That's normal for a level 30's HP!" -The DM failing to understand game mechanics

    • When proven that 30,000 HP was a completely bullshit number, (its easy to prove - let's do a little math. The highest hit die in the game is a d12. Assuming a CON of 20, that's a +5. 12+5= 17 HP. 17x30 = 510. 510 would be roughly the highest base HP barring magic items) the DM grew enraged and claimed we were trying to trick him, even when shown on a calculator right in front of him.

    • Upon argument the DM decided to "nerf" his HP down to 29,000.

  • All ability scores were 50 base, but could change to whatever number he wished at will.

  • The uncanny ability to up the save DC for his abilities after hearing what you rolled.

  • "Roll a fort save." "I got a 40." "...HA! YOU NEEDED 41!!! YOU FALL DOWN!!" -The DM trying desperately to prove he was one step above the paladin by fellating himself.

  • An at will attack that dealt 100d100+STR mod+DEX mod damage in a 100ftx100ft square that required no attack roll.

  • The ability to do whatever he wanted. Really. He distilled his DM bullshit into a power. Granted this wasn't new, all his characters did this. But with his god character, he flaunted this horseshit as a full on ability.

Crimes Against Humanity

Still existing, and look above.

It may be hard but...

Christ, just look above.

Measurable Oppression:

• 1. Nothing

  2. Is

  3. Sacred

Composition

This waste of human skin is comprised of only the foulest of unholy byproducts. It's almost as if God had some leftover material after forming the human race, that then sat around rotting in purgatory for a few millennia, until he found it during one spring cleaning by it's awful smell and didn't want it, so he tried to pawn it off on Satan. But not even Satan wanted this shit.

Hellish Impact

Despite the years of suffering and torment this fatshit put us through, there was a gleaming gold coin within the shit heap. We may have suffered then, but we have been provided with hours of entertainment at his expense since.

May any new player who joins up from here on out, look back, and be thankful that they didn't have to live this shit, but be glad that we did.

You fuckers.