PC-REDEMPTION (Some duplicates, got two called redemption or .) and I dohave my other ones, some erotic, some not.. Some ... Some I wrote to see how I felt about some things, or about others and how I felt about it. Exploring the feeling and my response. Or even impromptu counseling, years driving cab and people feeling a need to talk/work things out.
INDEX:Forgive MeGhosts of the PastSelfDepressionSlashesPull the TriggerThe GrailFriendshipLady of LightLanternDrunkRebornDeath and DyingSurvivors GuiltSink HoleNegativeScar on ScarOutcast============P-Forgive Me:
I scream to quiet stonesBut no reply for they are goneand long dead. Beyond my painanger and longing for theirforgiveness. But still I screamfor the pain holds me fast.No room for anything else.No room for love, or joy.Only the consuming cancerthat dwells in me, givenfor failures in ancienttime, and now long gonebut still it lingers andholds me back, with ropesstrong and tight, stranglingall that I was, locked inpain unending, and no one tobeg forgiveness forerrors and ignorancefar from bliss.
Mike Adams2009(still working on)------P-Ghosts of the Past:
Past, present, futureGhosts all, hiding the lightholding me fast to the deadGhosts holding me backGhosts hiding the lightGhosts blocking the futureA Fog of the DeadGhosts everywhereMy brain screamsWhy? Who? Where?Save me from this, butnothing comes backfor the fog blocks all.Ghosts of the PastPresent and Futureof friends lost andgone. Dead or cold tomy heart. Holding mehear, in the darknesscold and hopeless.Holding me hereto this mortal painof memories.Of ghosts holding meback from peace ofmind, forgivenessand understanding why?And of soul, lost andobsessed with the ghosts.Please it was fun, butyou left by hands ownor accident, or justplain stupidity.I tried to helpBut ignorance is nobliss. Actions to takeBut regret own guiltextreme. Questioningwhy did you hate us somuch, to leave withhardly a word?Or warning, why?Did you hate us so?Your life, family,friends and loves?To leave us thisvoid and memoriesdark. Ghosts holdingon long after theliving is long gone.But chin tightstill here. Lockedin this grey lifenearly ghostsour selves.(still editing)
Mike Adams2007------P-Self:
Drugs, AlcoholOr just dramaUnleashed. Pain,Anger, fear, orjust lonely.With nothing tofill the void ofsoul. But drink,drugs, and selfdestruction.Hatred of selfor just fear ofshowing more ofself, due to pastjeering, disrespector being to openand used by it.By the group, orthose in power,along against thethe crowd andriots of painbrought on bygroups social,not welcome, andnot wanted, allcause your mutant,geek, freak, orjust not pretty.What did you do wrongis asked, but onlyanswer is being bornout of time with whatis popular, or hot.Condemned from birthto second class statusall cause of gender,mixed race, or parentsunknown or just notcaring, or from thewrong side of thetracks or just bodybuild, or mind paths.How brutal but how itcomes to be for howmany? All out of shape.Not fitting that moldof what? Some hidden,or open standard.Enforced and deadlyin disrespect. Allprogrammed in by who?For what reasons tobe special or snottyfor some blessed andothers called cursedby fate, or just noone stands up to sayBullshit, and enough!To stand before thehouses of peer andmedia. To pressureimmense and many fallinto chasms, deadlyand purge themselvesto fit in, or to notdie alone! Destroyedand ravaged. Leftalone to deal withissues of self hatefear and loathinginstitutionalized!
Mike Adams2008(still working on it?)-----P-DEPRESSION:
Depression what is it, why does it hold me back likea vice or chains strong. What can I do to remove it from my lifeand go on to bigger and better to follow my dreams most high oninto the sky, but I sit here chained to earth, like some stoneheld fast by miles of earth never to see the sky and sun, butfrom glimpses short, only enough to know I am down deep in mydepression, and not happy with where I am, but with no way knownto relieve me of this burden. What cruel fate to be given avision, but as well let it be held in such a grip as mine.Oh to the sun I wish to climb, up into the sky like a bird onwing but this feeling of earth keeps me fast I struggle andstrain but I still remain tied to earths cold grasp, depressionis its name, but more than that is all I know is its effects onme and my path, crooked and often dead of end is this path, forwhen my energy is only enough to fight the depression there islittle left for others things than it.But there is some light at the end of this tunnel deep and dark,what it is I shall see for this thing is killing me slowly, inchby inch, miles by mile this depression is slowly killing what ofme there is that wishes to go on to better things. Pray tell thelight finds me before the darkness totally engulfs me in itscold dark grasp, rends my soul from my body and casts me to thepile of its latest victim with out a care of who I was and whatI could have become, just that I am dinner for it and my lifewas a good fight but in the end I was his and now my broken soullies here on this pile of broken dreams of mine and others.I crave the light and the promises made of my abilities, butstill held fast in chains most strong and deadly to this path Ido plod along, looking for that exit that will either save me orend my life and cast myself on to that pile so high of brokendreams and lost souls.
Mike Adams200?---P-Slashes (editing)
One slashtwo slashthree slashmorefour slashfive slashsix slashdoneOne SlashTwo SlashThree SlashMore Marks onwrists deep andbloodyOne, two, threewhy can't I dieWhat keeps me hereUp down, side to siderazor, knife, canor other objectsharp will doI am numbplease make it stopthe painwhat painnot the slashed deepor superficialbut the pain behindthat I wish to showto bring outdig outand let outNOW!
Mike Adams2005(Edited 06/04/05, 1/1/2010)(for a friend who likes to slash her wrists)------P-Pull the Trigger
Pull the trigger,pull it nowpull it hardpull it fastpull it NOWI must die,I have to diethe painmust end itwhy do I go onwhat keeps me herebut the painthe unknownlingering numbnessthe cry for helpbut have nonewho cares formy painSo I sit, herewith this gun in myhand, someone pull thisdamn trigger.pull is fast, pull it hardyou piece of shityou worthless pile of crapwho looks like youor just me?
Mike Adams2005-------P-THE GRAIL:
I seem to ramble from place to place,never staying one in any one place,ever searching, like a knight on quest,for that grail oh so dear, so closebut oh so far, almost in sight,but never visible, I go on and on,until the end is here, and it draws near,and I can hear the calls of angels sweet,and I shall finally drink of that cup,so rich and rare a draught it shall be,for in the end, the cup will hold life,and life is so sweet, and to know this,I quest.
Mike Adams200?------P-Friendship
Friends, the dark days, the light day, the hard days,the nite times shared not out of lust, or desire, oreven vice and degredation but out of love, of companionsand times shared, love between two people, not of lust orsome base desire, but out of the need to be social, toshare moments, words, comments and vents or just hugs,and being there, to know others pains and help there,to see the pain in the others eyes and wish it gone,gone by sharing between two, not one alone.
Mike Adams2005------P-LADY OF LIGHT:
Her eyes do warm the soul,to bring light to this darkness,to break the shackles of depressionand anger, her eyes to pierce the gloom,and break the chains that bind his soulto to the darkness.. She walks in grace,down the stairs of his prison, to find him,to cast away the darkness and the shadows,all fall before her love and beauty,not dying but reborn in joy and happiness..She sees him, alone in his cell, dirtyand disgusting in his filth and degradation,but she has but to touch him and it allfalls away like a dream once had, butforgotten in the days before birth..He stands up, his shackles fall awayas he reaches to her and holds her close.Two souls joined as one, together forever,and no gloom can harm them in their loveand desires, for it is born of love sharedtogether, neither one above the other,shared loves, passions, desires, hopesand dreams.. together for an eternityand a day, never apart even when nottogether.. Bliss found and never lost..For even past deaths door they go together,forever and more..
Mike Adams2005------P-LANTERN:
A Lantern burning bright take the anger from my sightremove this man who beats me so and make him pay for all to knowThat I am dead and all shall know that he took me and destroyed meslowly with word and threats of hands and fist and just controlwith money, and emotions foul and connivingA lantern was held up in loving hands of family and friendsbut how to go to it or even leave the darkness behind, to stay andbe controlled and beaten but its all I know? He loves me, justdoes not know how to show it, or some crap like that or is it justa little girl, in the dark, alone and no help to guide herThere must be more a safe place to be to find anotherbetter for you someone to not hit you abuse you, and use youto not be controlled and beaten even if beaten in mind and soul.Held down and kept down controlled by words and thoughts andarms strong or just kept like an animal not loved but usedabused most foul. A spirit dead from years of mental anguishor just not loved or not pretty enough or of drugs, and alcoholsome inside and some outside Lack of respect for selflack of joy in ones blessing to leave the darknessand take a small step but that step is agony for will he find mehurt me, beat me, abuse me tease me, let me go and findme and bring me back like some animal or worse, I go back to himfor he is all I know, all I have known, and I fear all I will know.But there is more, or is this just a dream, a dream that is fadingby the hours and days.. I am trapped but held here notby force, but by my own fear? Or just insecure of my blessingand beauty and knowing I am worth more than this crap.I am not a trophy, my children are not to be harmed but they arehurt by mommy's beatings. Why do I go back but how to leave, no moneyno place to go, he will hunt me down and bring me back with friendsthat will help him and I have none? Where shall I go, who will I be withwhere will my children go and be safe God he has a knife and I have to runbut where?To the lantern held high and bright by loving and knowing handswho take you in and hold the darkness at bay, and help you heal woundsdeep and numbing but always there.
Mike Adams2006Still working on it. Wrote it for a gal I once talked to online.--------P-DRUNK:
I fear, I drinkI hurt, I drinkI beat, I drinkI fall, I drunkI puke, I drunkI fight, I drunkI hurt, I drunknow my kidsdrinkingI wonder why?I hit, I drunkI kill, I drunkIn Jail, I soberWho died,I soberWhen diedI soberGod what did I do?I drunk, but sober now.
Mike Adams2008(working on it)-------P-Reborn
Oh a man once said to his son,son pray you have not done whatI once did, to stand before the gatesof hell and said to the beast with in,come forth you varmint and foul beastand face me, one on one, and come nowquick, for I am dead but reborn..
Mike Adams2005------P-Death and Dying
Dying yes, dead not yetfor with out life,then you have deathor without hopethere is deathgiving up before themark of death arrivesto soon to give upto be given to the pileor corpses piling highbefore hells doorgiven up to the diseasecalled dying, or canceror some other maladythat saps our strengthsand pulls us downdown to the ground and inor to pyres high.glory, is just an excusefor dying better thanothers dead.
Mike Adams2005------P-Survivors Guilt (2008)
The dead are gone, but what of those left behind?To bury the dead, to record their passing, butto keep going, worse to wonder what if?I had smiled, to show I loved them? To force themto find help, or even know they needed it, andhow much. Just to let them know you worry, andwish them to be happy, and find a way out of thedarkness, the corner them selves in, or forcedto be in. And get help, peace and life in thelight not death in the dark. Not only of lightand dark but of mind, spirit and love. Meanspeaceful, but not death, for int their passingis left questions of why, what if, trust, pain,guilt and hatred, not just anger at them, and self.Ignorance is bliss, is far from true, when dealingwith friends self destruction, for in not knowingbrings little bliss.He or she a friend, not only of genes but of blood and thingsshared, a piece of each other, and of all, who knew them.What hell was they in, to wish for early release from life?To not demand help? We who l;loved them, did they not trust us,or think us less human/friends or just lost in their depressionand path dark and lonely.. Or worse, they did trust us and wefailed them. But all they had to do was, but we was not.Knowing what they was saying and is this we are at loss.No one I was enough to leave what they left behind,I know its selfish to die by gun, pills, poison or life destructive.Please come back, I miss you so much. Life is never full withoutyou. But I muddle along, plodding to find some purpose to yourleaving. And how to help others not to go how you went. To saveothers from guilt, for it should been me who died and now you.You had more to live for than I, but now I am truely old and youare long gone but young always in my minds eye.
Mike Adams2008?Not complete------P-Sink Hole
Sink hole in the groundwhy you have come aroundgo away and fill upwith water or soilor just take the pain awayof my lost life and homeor just give me timeto fill out my claimreport or know the funof FEMA saying YESand the money to flowand to know the joyof a new house andplace to live, abovethe sink hole long goneand away from my soul.
Mike Adams2009-----P-Negative
A dark poola hole darkas midnighta lake of coldand darknessor just pityWhy wollow in thepool of darknesscalled pitywhen the lightof happinesscalls youbut you justhave to findthe portalthe doorthe windowand the wayMy life hasbeen negative,seeing darknesswhen light.Seeing thingsfrom the darkside of things,expectingthings dark,and most of all,remembering onlythe negative things..
Mike Adams2005/2006working on it------P-Scar on Scar
Scars on scarsuntil all isscar tissueraised up andcancerousfull of pusand bleedingblood and pus.
Mike2008?------P-Outcast
Out cast orwalked out?Forced outor just neverpart?Human ormore or lesshow to ask orknow what.Walking alonedown the hiwayof life, singlenever partor never welcomeWho can say.For he is longgone and silentbut none noticefor they neverknow who he wasor even that heexisted or justanother wall flower.Left to rot in thesummer sun, ornever thrived, forheld in darknessFuck them fortheir selfish ways.Christ pity themfor what they areis what they fearworse of all.
HUMAN
Mike Adams2006------Copyright 1998 Mike Adams