WARNING: They all about grief, so its not ever have and please don't read if you under 21.
INDEX:Forgive MeDead EyesSurvivors GuiltDepression of LossDreams DeadDrunkScar on ScarSelfSemper FiShameShe is GoneShut DownSink HoleSlashesSticks and StonesSuicideSunshineDead DrunkDeath and DyingFar AwayFive PercentMorgotiCell (My)MarthaBanshee Run
GRIEF:-----P-Forgive Me:
I scream to quiet stonesBut no reply for they are goneand long dead. Beyond my painanger and longing for theirforgiveness. But still I screamfor the pain holds me fast.No room for anything else.No room for love, or joy.Only the consuming cancerthat dwells in me, givenfor failures in ancienttime, and now long gonebut still it lingers andholds me back, with ropesstrong and tight, stranglingall that I was, locked inpain unending, and no one tobeg forgiveness forerrors and ignorancefar from bliss.
Mike Adams2009(still working on)------P-Dead Eyes:
Eyes stare backthey are deadand black, no lifethere, but memoriesMemories ofthe time I sawthem last.And what wewas to doand saidand dreamed.They did it tothemselves, butwhat of usthe survivors?Those who livepast the momentof their deathBe it accidentor stupidityor suicideThose eyes stareback and Iforget alland nothing.So I cryand otheras well formemories gonebut rememberedbut not up frontbut behindthe maskwe put uphope it willstay therebut ourmakeup runsand the paincomes through.Dinner anyone?
Mike Adams2006
Weird how the death of someone, will haunt you for years. For Eugene Dalilak, EverettDick, Bon Tate, Karen, Karl and others I still find hard to remember, or name, or evenremember their names, but one day the pain will back to the game, and we can dealwith things.-----P-Survivors Guilt (2008):
The dead are gone, but what of those left behind?To bury the dead, to record their passing, butto keep going, worse to wonder what if?I had smiled, to show I loved them? To force themto find help, or even know they needed it, andhow much. Just to let them know you worry, andwish them to be happy, and find a way out of thedarkness, the corner them selves in, or forcedto be in. And get help, peace and life in thelight not death in the dark. Not only of lightand dark but of mind, spirit and love. Meanspeaceful, but not death, for int their passingis let questions of why, what if, trust, pain,guilt and hatred, not just anger at them, and self.Ignorance is bliss, is far from true, when dealingwith friends self destruction, for in not knowingbrings little bliss.He or she a friend, not only of genes but of blood and thingsshared, a piece of each other, and of all, who knew them.What hell was they in, to wish for early release from life?To not demand help? We who l;loved them, did they not trust us,or think us less human/friends or just lost in their depressionand path dark and lonely.. Or worse, they did trust us and wefailed them. But all they had to do was, but we was not.Knowing what they was saying and is this we are at loss.No one I was enough to leave what they left behind,I know its selfish to die by gun, pills, poison or life destructive.Please come back, I miss you so much. Life is never full withoutyou. But I muddle along, plodding to find some purpose to yourleaving. And how to help others not to go how you went. To saveothers from guilt, for it should been me who died and now you.You had more to live for than I, but now I am truly old and youare long gone but young always in my minds eye.
Mike Adams2008?Not complete(some where is the note book I wrote the rest in, green pages)---P-Depression of Loss
Depression is here,sinking in fast and hardfor the sun has left the skyand shall I die now,or just wander herein this place of darknesscold and damp,like a man on thorozine..Mike Adams2003-------P-Dream Dead A man, a womenA dream, a childborn of bothshared together. A dream or justfantasy illusion. Mike Adams2009-------P-Drunk
I fearI drinkI hurtI drinkI beatI drinkI fallI drunkI pukeI drunkI fightI drunkI hurtI drunknow my kidsdrinkingI wonder why?I hitI drunkI killI drunkIn JailI soberWho diedI soberWhen diedI soberGod what did I do?I drunkbut sober now.Mike Adams2006(working on it)--------P-Scar on Scar Scars on scarsuntil all isscar tissueraised up andcancerousfull of pusand bleedingblood and pus. Mike Adams2008?--------P-Self:
Drugs, AlcoholOr just dramaUnleashed. Pain,Anger, fear, orjust lonely.With nothing tofill the void ofsoul. But drink,drugs, and selfdestruction.Hatred of selfor just fear ofshowing more ofself, due to pastjeering, disrespector being to openand used by it.By the group, orthose in power,along against thethe crowd andriots of painbrought on bygroups social,not welcome, andnot wanted, allcause your mutant,geek, freak, orjust not pretty.What did you do wrongis asked, but onlyanswer is being bornout of time with whatis popular, or hot.Condemned from birthto second class statusall cause of gender,mixed race, or parentsunknown or just notcaring, or from thewrong side of thetracks or just bodybuild, or mind paths.How brutal but how itcomes to be for howmany? All out of shape.Not fitting that moldof what? Some hidden,or open standard.Enforced and deadlyin disrespect. Allprogrammed in by who?For what reasons tobe special or snottyfor some blessed andothers called cursedby fate, or just noone stands up to sayBullshit, and enough!To stand before thehouses of peer andmedia. To pressureimmense and many fallinto chasms, deadlyand purge themselvesto fit in, or to notdie alone! Destroyedand ravaged. Leftalone to deal withissues of self hatefear and loathinginstitutionalized!
Mike Adams2008(still working on it?)------P-Semper Fi (2006):
Semper Fi until I dieI have to wonder whyI do this living and dying,But just to look and seethe eyes of a child found.A man speakingplain and open,expressing freedomof thought, of action,and of faith inmultitudes. Living in peaceand knowing safely and Iknow why. I do and die.I have just to knowof why I do and dieso that they at homemay thrive and wonderwhen daddy is cominghome!
Mike Adams2006(For Ed Donovan, my Uncle - Semper Fidelis)-------(Not a happy poem, it was a survival poem to keep me going, since it takes permissionto commit the act of seppeku, and no one knew, and I am out of the military)
P-ShameA poemA deedPermissionA knifeA swordA friendsSwift cutHead rollsAnd shameEnds, honorRestored andWitnessedSeppeku
Mike Adams2011------P-She is Gone:
Man, lays downhead in handlife is goneshe is dead
Mike Adams2005--------P-Shutdown
Shut downOverdrawnTo MuchForgivenUnforgivenNothing leftall is deademotionsmindheartsoulall is numbshut down
Mike Adams2006-----------P-Sink Hole Sink hole in the groundwhy you have come aroundgo away and fill upwith water or soilor just take the pain awayof my lost life and homeor just give me timeto fill out my claimreport or know the funof FEMA saying YESand the money to flowand to know the joyof a new house andplace to live, abovethe sink hole long goneand away from my soul. Mike Adams2009------P-Slashes (editing)
One slashtwo slashthree slashmorefour slashfive slashsix slashdoneOne SlashTwo SlashThree SlashMore Marks onwrists deep andbloodyOne, two, threewhy can't I dieWhat keeps me hereUp down, side to siderazor, knife, canor other objectsharp will do I am numbplease make it stopthe painwhat painnot the slashed deepor superficialbut the pain behindthat I wish to showto bring outdig outand let outNOW!
Mike Adams2005(Edited 06/04/05)------P-Sticks and StonesSticks and stones, bones break,hair pulled, love lost, death ofinnocence, Love of one, of joyand life shared turns to helland damnation(more coming)Mike Adams07/12/04------P-Suicide 2011
So she cheated on you,gave you an incurable diseaseEmptied your bank accountHad you arrested for DVTook your kid(s) awayTold your friends liesand now they hate you.Do not give her the joyof killing you to!So put the gun down,the pills away,stop annoying that cop,driving fast,drinking like a fish.and piss her off by living!
Mike Adams2006--------P-Sunshine:
Please my sunshine come back to me,for the darkness cloaks me and binds meand I need your touch, of lightto bring the most from me, and I from you.Please do not take the sunshineof your face from me.The darkness it leaves behindwhen gone is more than anyonecan handle or deal withFor what is lonelinesswith out the sunshineof your face and being.
Mike Adams2007For Linda-----P-Dead by Drunk
A ManA womena childA futurebut whose?Theirsor others?Who can tellfor gonethey aredead by drunkenmeans driving
Mike Adams2006----P-Death and Dying
Dying yes, dead not yetfor with out life,then you have deathor without hopethere is deathgiving up before themark of death arrivesto soon to give upto be given to the pileor corpses piling highbefore hells doorgiven up to the diseasecalled dying, or canceror some other malodythat saps our strengthsand pulls us downdown to the ground and inor to pyres high.glory, is just an excusefor dying better thanothers dead.
Mike Adams2005-------------P-Far Away:
Oh far away is homefrom this land of sunshineand jungles thick.I dream of it on nights I can,of home and the times we spent.Oh how young we were once,and the things we did in springtime air,to see you once again,to rest my head once more in your lap,to smell your hair once again,to know your caress once again,but instead all I know is dutyand honor and country, but for what?Who can know me like you dooh dear lady love.My friends here know me well,for I have saved them,and they have saved me many times..But not as you do.Thru thick and thinI do travel with themand we know our calls,to hear the copters sweet songwhile bullets buzz by,to know the call for them is close,and danger is so real,death is our companion,our lover and our friend.To know her is to love her,but in that love is the quandry,for she demands a heavy toll,of life and sometimes love.To I sit here in this placeso far from you,and dream of youone last time,as my other lady creeps onto me,dulling my sight, and mind,until all I feel is a strange coldin such a hot and damp place,so far from you my love,I hear her call, of deathssweet embrace I feel her lovingcaress, so sweet but final,like a spring days ending.Oh, to feel your hair,and knows its scent one last time,but that is not to be, for in my end,I have one thought of you,and the friends that I save this day,for I know I shall not see youagain my lady love,other than in the wordsof my friends of this day,this final day, for I know them well,for they shall tell you of my last day,and last words were of you my lady dear,so far and so close to me,I reach for you,but can not raise my handsfor they are gone away,my feet can not move,my heart is slowing,and my brain is numb.I gasp from lungs gonefor you my lady loveand know your memorieswill lead me to a better place.Of this I know,I loved you then,and love you nowand for an eternityI shall love you still.I thank you for the timesand love, I have had from you,and the love I give to you,please do not cry,for it makes your mascara run,and you look so sadand then so funny,like a poor clown,it makes me grin tooand happy to have seen youin my minds eye once again..I shall see you again my dear,on judgement dayfor nothing can keep mefrom your side on that day.My last words to you from your soldier far away.
Mike AdamsMay 1998------P-Five Percent:
A room, cave, dark and dreary.a chair rises up but not to the sky,but to cloths, or to a human,figure in dirty clothes, aliveor dead? hard to tell, all youcan see is the cloths, figure therenow and later, lost in dreams ordarkness boozed up and lostin a world long dead and lost.Abandoned by all but othersof like nature and a bartenderthirsting for their money butnot for their lives.A heap of what is flesh and bone.Of rags and cloths unwashed.A smell of urine and booze,and body unwashed for weeks.A being crumpled on stool,often for hours unendinguntil closing and thrown outto fend for self in a colddark world, hoping to findwarmth and comfort, butnot likely, for all are donewith them, for they arechronic in their nature,unwilling or unable to changehopeless drunks or playersof games of chance.Pull tabs fall below them onthe floor in a heap, asthe money they get, orhave falls into a bars till.A drink done many timesin front, and will therebe money for anotherand another, to might aswell have a straw into abottle with no bottom.For all hope is gone,brain is dead, liver wantsrelief and smells of it.Stench smelled from feet awayFace cragged and suffering fromdecades of neglect. Eyes deadto the world, mouthdrooling booze, and pukeChronic or just plain terminalOnce alive, but now just waiting to die.Slow and painful, all cast awayfor family is done with themfor they are selfish,or just lost. Lost to a worlduncaring or caring but unable tohelp, for its hard to lead themaway from the water of deaththey crave, and death style.In places named for holy,speed and northern, they rotslowly and end up homelessand forgotten and dead.Dead slow, or suicidal,all is the same, for itsself destruction all the same.Nights of sleeping withpersons just for booze.A place to stay, a life ofdegradation and prostitutionand abuse, molested and used.So in this, I say, who caresfor the five percent?Detox, and shelter?Police and ambulance?Family who throws them out?
Mike Adams2010
sorry been working on a poem, about a person or what is left of a person, after years ofliving in a local bar.. homeless, lost, and forgotten, nearly dead..well, sadly many gothere and stay there..the hidden 5% or maybe the 5% many see but not see past to the 95% who are soberand clean and happy?-------P-Morgoti:
A horse alive but dead a rider riding slumpedover, over a plain of skulls and dead strewnaround, or semblance of life is all you see..Rider comes closer and you see the horse isnot living but not dead, but someplace inbetween or parody of life it stands therewith rider, sitting rider with eyes deadand lost, lost to the now, and the past,or even future for each is just living.Living a life that is not living, he knowsthe pain of loss, not only life but of faith,alone he stands, but not alone, for he iscrawliny with life but not life, small andnimble they are, they keep him alive evenwhen he no longer wishes to live.Dead many times, some he remembers some heforgets for the remembering is pain, to forget,the only cure, or solution, as much as he feelsanything any more for his humanity was gonelong ago, how long no one knows for he haslost the wish to keep time, just that this isthe now and he wishes to be dead to it, but cannot die, for they keep him alive if you cancall being more machine than man, living. Notobvious, but they are there.You look in his eyes, and all is dead, butreplaced by nothing for what is a man with outhope, dreams and desires, emotions and the willto live?You look around and all that seems normal is not,you realize with a start the trees, bushes andanimals all are dead, or some pale semblance oflife, for all are imperfect copies made for therider but he no longer cares, it is just there,they just exist and he cares not.No one else is here for all died ages ago, in something the man knows of but not telling but knowingis madness as it is for he was the one who broughtit about, in his pride, ignorance or just plainstupidity he let it go and all died from it, forall was consumed by it what it is is, all you needto see around to know but you can not see for youare not really here? or he is killing you eatingyour soul draining your life but he knows not is notconscious of it, for he no longer wants to know,blocked from his mind and memories is your passing,only that he keeps going not that he wants to keepgoing but he plods one foot in front of the other,or on the horse being he rides to the next victim,for he has died many times to be taken back toliving for they will not let his body die even ifhis soul died an age ago.
Mike Adams2005-------P-Cell: (My Cell)
Cell dark but warmdoor locked and tightlocked in my roomnot by bars ironbut mental painand fear insecuremy room refugeor prison, self madeor forced by fearand anger of othersI am not sure.but here I sitbefore the lightand portal tothe worldlocked in its grasptight and unableto move or leaveso I am lockedin my cell.No way outor just no stepsto get there.
Mike Adams199?-----P-Martha Dear Martha, Humpy MumpyWhy you have to dieIrony is all I can say. Tragedy and angerbrother deadguilt or justgrief over whelminganger and pain To lovely to be normal.Used by others to beaccepted or mule.Drugs, alcoholtravel and abortionsbut in the end theirony is, to die.But by boy friendafter giving birthFinally of a childafter giving upso many they say. So is the Ironyand tragedy ofyour life. Angershown when drunkbut now sober,but to littleto late or justexpressed by Not much to saymental or justhurting unendingbut brought outwhen drunk What can be saidJust good byelittle oneMu Humpy MumpyLoved younot for yourlooks but foryour friendshipI am sorry I wasnot a better friendfor in the endwe failed youus all, by notbeing better. Sorry. Mike Adams2009-----P-Banshee Run:
A banshee screams into the night,Up from my bed I do jumpwhere, when, who, howas cloths jump on to my frameas I say good bye and run intothe night duty call or justa night. Running, acrossground icy, slippy anddangerous but I runlike a mad man, forsomeone dies tonightor not, I hope for mytime is spent to gettheir quick, safe, withthose who can do their bestto keep all alive.Good the rig if warmstarts, all readyconnection, wherewhere and where, topick up quick onon the way. Door openand I am on my way.Left, right, forwardon to the breach or justmake it so for othersThere he or she is,clothed like mebarely on running.Jump inside, what we haveand on, lights flash or notquiet night, so fast.But keep it safeThere they are.And in we go, withcops help and firementoo, we enter, whatto find. Scene Secure.Fire or dangers humanhelped to be gone.Chief complaint,cause and symptomobserved itemsand allergiesdrugs and issuesBlood pressureobserved issuessmell and touchor just a twitchCollar on, or splintsor bandages, IV in.On board, but carefulone two three we go.gurney on and comfyfor the cold can killinto the ride we do gorun run run other timessplint, tape, four by fouror just morale supportOn into the night toplace of healing I do hopeDoctors waiting, nurses tocops taking statementsone two three to anotherbed, and monitorsdoctors workingnurses helpingbags pumping,air in, nose or mouthblood and fluidswarming up, and alivenot dead, and cold.Heart pumpinglungs fillingbowels releasedcatheter in or notdrip drip dripgoes the meds,saline and plasma.Stitches if needed.Alcohol suspectedFamily there or notor none, or next.Bruises seen, soresmany, smells awful.Cloths in a cornerReports to do andremember, for latertimes and legal orjust what we missif anything?Transport, readybag sled, and shredpapers, ready and comfyescort here,family said goodbye. Off to the portwe go, holding handall is well to the plane.Thank you.An on to the landsbelow, for better carefor stable is okaybut more must happenor does or just in case.Sadly some do notget so far, or hurtsabide and come.Not all saved, it hurtsbut grieve abidesguilt or just how?Done better or at all?Why, no trust of ustheir friends or justthings happen?Driving bad or drunk?Issues of age or timeconditions comenot all live, some shortsome long, butHearts give out, lungsdeflate, time is hereor just sugar low or high.abuse, and pain, no willto live or just ..
Mike Adams2009For all who go into the night with the hope that they can save someone.-----Copyright 1998 Mike Adams