I hope this finds you well, and helps you know you are not alone and we are in this together. Shared already? Sorry.. I share the below with people, to hope one of them strikes a cord and they feel not alone, and hopefully will find/seek help or just be happy or something. Or if they know someone, they will find strength to get their friend help. Guilt, what if, and grieving are emotions I find hard to get over. But working on it. https://groups.google.com/g/Poetry-L is my lists URL. Not all are for young eyes, so please read and decide. Me, tired of being depressed, not feeling happy and grieving for long dead friends, and mistakes made long ago, and tired of paying for them. I Want to be happy!
Depression Support 2009---------INDEX:NegativeDepressionANALYZED INSANESlashes (editing)Pull the TriggerSUICIDECellOutcastDrunkLost LifeAnger NumbBreathPiecesThe GrailMaskPeaceDeath and DyingGhosts of the Past---------------P-Negative:
A dark poola hole darkas midnighta lake of coldand darknessor just pityWhy wallow in thepool of darknesscalled pitywhen the lightof happinesscalls youbut you justhave to findthe portalthe doorthe windowand the wayMy life hasbeen negative,seeing darknesswhen light.Seeing thingsfrom the darkside of things,expectingthings dark,and most of all,remembering onlythe negative things..Mike Adams2005/2006working on it--------P-Depression:
Depression what is it,why does it hold me backlike a vice or chains strong.What can I do to removeit from my life and go onto bigger and betterto follow my dreams mosthigh on into the sky,but I sit here chainedto earth, like some stoneheld fast by miles of earthnever to see the skyand sun, but from glimpsesshort, only enough to knowI am down deep in mydepression, and not happywith where I am, butwith no way known torelived me of this burden.What cruel fate to be givena vision, but as well let itbe held in such a gripas mine.Oh to the sun I wish toclimb, up into the skylike a bird on wingbut this feeling ofearth keeps me fastI struggle and strainbut I still remaintied to earths coldgrasp, depressionis its name, but morethan that is all I knowis its effects on me andmy path, crooked andoften dead of end isthis path, for whenmy energy is onlyenough to fightthe depression there islittle left for others thingsthan it. But there issome light at the endof this tunnel deep anddark, what it is I shall seefor this thing is killing meslowly, inch by inch, milesby mile this depressionis slowly killing whatof me there is that wishesto go on to better things.Pray tell the light finds mebefore the darknesstotally engulfs me in itscold dark grasp, rendsmy soul from my bodyand casts me to the pileof its latest victim without a care of who I wasand what I could havebecome, just that I amdinner for it and mylife was a good fightbut in the end I washis and now my brokensoul lies here on thispile of broken dreamsof mine and others.I crave the light andthe promises madeof my abilities, butstill held fast in chainsmost strong and deadlyto this path I do plodalong, looking for thatexit that will either saveme or end my life andcast myself on to thatpile so high of brokendreams and lost souls.
Mike Adams1998---P-ANALYZED INSANE:
Beat me, whip me,tell me wrong,am I nuts?Insane crazy orjust weirdam I mutantor rebel heroor cripple,told I am nutsa mutant crazy andinsane and thiscorner I am in,analyzed into itby thoughtsare they rightor wrong,or just ... here.Here in this corner,back alongwalls together,locked here,with no way out,to go, backedinto a corner,with no door,door to show me out,where am I,how did I get hereto this corner,to the left is wall,the right is wall,to the top ceiling lowand sloping this,this point,and floor is dark,cold, like dead space,cold and soaking up thewarmth of me into it..
Mike Adams2005-----------------P-Slashes (editing):
One slashtwo slashthree slashmorefour slashfive slashsix slashdoneOne SlashTwo SlashThree SlashMore Marks onwrists deep andbloodyOne, two, threewhy can't I dieWhat keeps me hereUp down, side to siderazor, knife, canor other objectsharp will doI am numbplease make it stopthe painwhat painnot the slashed deepor superficialbut the pain behindthat I wish to showto bring outdig outand let outNOW!
Mike Adams2005(Edited 06/04/05)(for a friend who likes to slash her wrists)------P-Pull the Trigger:
Pull the trigger,pull it nowpull it hardpull it fastpull it NOWI must die,I have to diethe painmust end itwhy do I go onwhat keeps me herebut the painthe unknownlingering numbnessthe cry for helpbut have nonewho cares formy painSo I sit, herewith this gun in myhand, someone pull thisdamn trigger.pull is fast, pull it hardyou piece of shityou worthless pile of crapwho looks like youor just me?Mike2005-------(Written from the male perspective, could easily be from the female)
P-SUICIDE:
So she cheated on you,gave you an incurable disease.Emptied your bank account.Had you arrested for DV,Took your kid(s) away,Told all your friends liesand now they hate you.Do not give her the joyof killing you to!So put the gun down,thee pills away,stop annoying that cop,driving fast, drinkinglike a fish. Piss her offby living!
Mike Adams2006(DV=domestic violence)---------------P-Cell:
Cell dark but warmdoor locked and tightlocked in my roomnot by bars ironbut mental painand fear insecuremy room refugeor prison, self madeor forced by fearand anger of othersI am not sure.but here I sitbefore the lightand portal to the worldlocked in its grasptight and unableto move or leaveso I am lockedin my cell.No way outor just no stepsto get there.
Mike Adams2006--------P-Outcast:
Out cast orwalked out?Forced out orjust never part?Human or more orless how to ask orknow what.Walking alonedown the hiwayof life, singlenever part ornever welcomeWho can say.For he is longgone and silentbut none noticefor they neverknow who he wasor even that heexisted or justanother wall flower.Left to rott in thesummer sun, ornever thrive, forheld in darknessFuck them forthier selfish ways.Christ pity themfor what they areis what they fearworse of all.Human.Mike2006------P-Drunk:
I fearI drinkI hurtI drinkI beatI drinkI fallI drunkI pukeI drunkI fightI drunkI hurtI drunknow my kidsdrinkingI wonder why?I hitI drunkI killI drunkIn JailI soberWho diedI soberWhen diedI soberGod what did I do?I drunkbut sober now.
Mike2006(working on it)Drawing from my own life.-----P-Lost Life:
I sit here with my head in handwondering where my life has gonewhat things of glory have I donewhat deeds of might and honorbut all I do is sit here in the darkand lament the wasted yearsof depression and of darknessdarkness that I can not let gofor it is all I know.Even when the light comes inI block it out, hide it awayfrom my eyes, for the darknessis my only comfort.The light does not feel rightjoy escapes of my own twisted choice.Why can I not accept the joyand light and live a happy lifewhy must I torment my self sofor when things are bad, I am comfortand when they are good, I feel uneasyuneasy that it will be taken awaycruelly, like so many things in lifeby a parent, a bully or just godI know not, just that this hasto end, this life of darknessof lost love and promises unmadeborn was I to do great thingsbut I have squandered them awaylike so much sand, thru fingersthat can not hold my head upinto the light, for the lightcomes so quick, and then it issnatched away, so I deny itbefore it can be stolen awayis my claim. I know not,just that help is not here,but depression is so closebut held at bay for nowso in the end, what can I sayit is better than I was oncefor I am active in findingwork, to replace the one Iso rudely lost of my ownstupidity and nature givenaway.
Mike2004God I hope this year gets better, cause it is getting worse all the time.------P-Anger Numb:
I feel numb with no anger to sustain meto fill me and hold me tight to keep megoing to provide comfort and warmth whenalone, no pain to remind me mortal I amto remind me that I live.. Now just numbfor the pain has past, or just hiddenbut the anger is gone and I am numband lost, music once held me, not itis dreary and boring, no effect justnumb, feeling nothing, but the emptyvoid that was my hate, anger and pain.So I am just numb.
Mike2005---------------P-Breath:
Teeth hurtNose pluggeddrainingclogged throatasthma activeallergies strongLungs hurtclogged byfluids solidifyingEach breathan effortto just liveone more breathplease just onemore breath.
Mike2006---------P-Pieces:
Piece by piecepart by parteach memory apart of a wholea whole that isfalling aparteach time to thinkof someone lostA part goneto the darka dark of alonealone in the darkall gone once knownnow gone into thedark of ...just gone. Barelyremembered now, butonce a life loved.But now just piecesfragments of a wholethat was lovedknown and missedslowly goinggoing gone intothe darkness ofI am not surejust gone.Missed and coldcold and apartfrom the wholeof us, friendslovers, or justfamily but allmissed. somelonged for, lovedlusted afteror just smiles
Mike Adams200?-------The Grail:
I seem to ramblefrom place to place,never staying onein any one place,ever searching,like a knight on quest,for that grail oh so dear,so close but oh so far,almost in sight,but never visible,I go on and on,until the end is here,and it draws near,and I can hear the callsof angels sweet,and I shall finally drinkof that cup,so rich and rare a droughtit shall be,for in the end,the cup will hold life,and life is so sweet,and to know this,I quest.
Mike AdamsMay 1998------P-Mask:
A man, or women, A look, eyes dark dead creepybut hiding, but what, pain anger, love lost,trust abused. A little child, lost and abandoned,forced to be dark, to hate all, to force all away,by eyes dark and dead.
Mike2006------P-Peace:
Peace, oh peace, what can I say of you,but the bodies buried, the burning buildings,the lives lost and children homeless,the refugees wandering from here to there,not knowing any peace, for war is all theyknow and the death of self, of cultureand of peace.Mike200?------P-Death and Dying:
Dying yes, dead not yet for with out life, then you havedeath or without hope there is death giving up before themark of death arrives to soon to give up to be given tothe pile or corpses piling high before hells door given upto the disease called dying, or cancer or some other maladythat saps our strengths and pulls us down down to the groundand in or to pyres high. glory, is just an excuse for dyingbetter than others dead.
Mike Adams200?------P-Ghosts of the Past:
Past, present, futureGhosts all, hiding the lightholding me fast to the deadGhosts holding me backGhosts hiding the lightGhosts blocking the futureA Fog of the DeadGhosts everywhereMy brain screamsWhy? Who? Where?Save me from this, butnothing comes backfor the fog blocks all.Ghosts of the PastPresent and Futureof friends lost andgone. Dead or cold tomy heart. Holding mehear, in the darknesscold and hopeless.Holding me hereto this mortal painof memories.Of ghosts holding meback from peace ofmind, forgivenessand understanding why?And of soul, lost andobsessed with the ghosts.Please it was fun, butyou left by hands ownor accident, or justplain stupidity.I tried to helpBut ignorance is nobliss. Actions to takeBut regret own guiltextreme. Questioningwhy did you hate us somuch, to leave withhardly a word?Or warning, why?Did you hate us so?Your life, family,friends and loves?To leave us thisvoid and memoriesdark. Ghosts holdingon long after theliving is long gone.But chin tightstill here. Lockedin this grey lifenearly ghostsour selves.(still editing)
Mike2007------Copyright 1998http://www.depressionisreal.org/depression-resources.htmlhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alcoholics_Anonymous there is related programs for narcotics and other addictions as well as emotional needs.http://www.militaryonesource.com for US Military personnel and families when dealing with PTSD and other mental relation problems.1-800-263-8255 Veterans Administration Suicide Hotline, they do not share info with your command/boss unless you ask them to. They are not DOD.1-907-388-2553 Local Fort Wainwright Mental Health Office