Math & Science Jokes

The Burning Building

A computer programmer, a physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings.

The programmer first runs to the window, tries repeatedly to open and close the window hoping that the fire will just disappear. He googles for a fire-fighting manual, copies the steps exactly and puts out the fire! However, he decides to restart the fire again to check if the solution is reproducible but dies this time because the fire-extinguisher is now empty.

The physicist runs to a super-computer, tries to simulate the burning building but assumes the building is a point particle and the fire is burning in a perfect vacuum. The simulation fails, he pins it all on dark matter before he burns to death in the fire.

The engineer pulls out a calculater and digs through all his old textbooks for a case example he can mirror. He finds the formula just in time and calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire. He runs and finds 10 times that amount he needs, and puts out the fire! But the building crumbles under the weight of the water introduced and he dies.

The mathematician runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, declares, "There IS a solution!", and then slowly burns to death while trying to find a journal willing to publish his findings.

Mathematician to Fireman

One day a mathematician decides that he is sick of math and wants to be a fireman. So, the mathematician walks down to the fire department and announces that he wants to become a fireman.

The fire chief says, "Well, you look like a good guy. I'd be glad to hire you, but first I have to give you a little test."

The fire chief takes the mathematician to the alley behind the fire department which contains a dumpster, a spicket, and a hose. The chief then says, "OK, you're walking in the alley and you see the dumpster here is on fire. What do you do?" The mathematician replies, "Well, I hook up the hose to the spicket, turn the water on, and put out the fire."

The chief says, "That's great... perfect. Now I have to ask you just one more question. What do you do if you're walking down the alley and you see the dumpster is not on fire?" The mathematician puzzles over the question for awhile and the finally says, "I light the dumpster on fire."

The chief yells, "What? That's horrible! Why would you light the dumpster on fire?"

The mathematician replies, "Well, that way I reduce the problem to one I've already solved."

Bar Jokes

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders 1 beer. The second orders 1/2 of a beer. The third, 1/4 of a beer. The fourth, 1/8 of a beer. Before the fifth mathematician can place his order, the bartender says “You’re all idiots”, and pours two beers.

Two men walked into a bar. The first man ordered “Can I have some H2O please.” The second man ordered “I’ll have some H2O too.” The second man died.

A proton, an electron, & a neutron walk into a bar. The proton orders a shot, drinks it, then takes out his wallet and pays the bartender. The electron orders a shot, drinks it, then takes out his wallet and pays the bartender. The neutron orders a shot, drinks it, then takes out his wallet but the bartender stops him and says, "wait... for you, no charge..."

Gold walks into a bar. The bartender says “A u! Get outta here!”

Helium walks into a bar. The bar-tender says “We don’t serve noble gases in here.” Helium doesn’t react.

7 8 9 Jokes

Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.

Why is Yoda afraid of 7? Because 9 7 8.

Why did 7 ate 9? Because you're supposed to have 3 square meals a day.

Why is 6 afraid of 5? Because 5 is a registered 6 offender.

Why don't math jokes work in base 8? Because 7 10 11.