I lay in my bed, hands over my eyes, I try to shake your wretched face from my thoughts, try to forget the feeling I felt as your hand touched mine, out of the blue. I loathe the way I got closer to you despite my thoughts telling me I ought not to. Despite knowing that we already have an expiration date. I hate the way you act like you don't pay attention to me when I speak and then days after surprise me by bringing up yourself one of my opinions on a certain topic and giving me your own. I hate the fact that you're untouchable. You're a star, up above in space, and I'm an ocean, here, stranded, yet so in motion. 

I look at my phone and I see a text from you. Just to rub salt in the wound even more. I open it to read it, and it wasn't, of course, some declaration of love. 

"Hey. I forgot to note down the homework. Could you give it to me, please?"

I smile like a fool at my phone. I'm so helpless I blush at proper grammar over text. I answer "Hiii, of course:) We have to write an essay about the importance of reading novels for teenagers" I hesitate before I decide to close it off with a heart-hands emoji.

Why am I counting down the days until I see this boy again? I shake my head to try to shake the thought itself but in vain. So, I pull out my notebooks and start to work on my own essay. I jot down some ideas, I quote studies, and I try to make it as eloquent as possible so as to impress him. How I hate myself.

the next morning

I hate myself for picking up my cutest clothes and spending an hour on my hair just because I will see him once more.

I walk in the classroom and I'm alone there, as usual. All my classmates show up one by one, just one is tardy. The teacher says "Good morning, class!" and he's still nowhere to be found. At last, one minute after the bell rang, there he was. Apologising for being tardy, and coming to sit down right next to me (the teacher had moved him next to me as we were the best in our class, thus getting more advanced work and needed to be close during the "work in pairs" exercises). He gave me a quick smile to which I replied with a foolish one. The class flew by fast and we hadn't gotten the chance to speak as we hadn't gotten any work in pairs exercises. We both finished our work early. Some grammar exercises, and just like clockwork we put our pens down at the same time and pulled a book from our backpacks. I bet he hadn't noticed it. But I did. I notice everything. I had a Jane Austen book, and he had a Thomas Hardy one. The bell rang too fast, and so lost into my book I was, I hadn't the chance to dwell on what it would be if we were to be. 

I walked on to my next classes, and him, to his. I thought I wouldn't catch a glimpse of him again until next Tuesday but then I called him call out my name from behind. I stop, shocked, and turned around to see if it had been real. And yes, it was. He had his headphones on, but took them down as he approached me. 

He comes and says, "Hi."

I smile, unknowing what to do and why he's talking to me, "Hey!"

He stares at me for 5 minutes then says, "I tried to listen to that song you told me to listen to, I hated it. But I also get why you like it. It's not bad, it's a me-problem."

I didn't know what to say, so I awkwardly said, "Oh."

He continued, "I noticed that we take the same road home, would you want to walk with me?"

I could not believe my ears, "Sure."

He says, "Great, let's go."

And we walked on, and we talked and talked about music, about songs, about dead authors. And I was falling even harder.

three months after

I knew it came with an expiration date. Of course, nothing but conversations happened. Nothing but my heart beating louder. And there I was, having to leave it all behind. I guess you'll never know if some loves are reciprocated. Some loves are star crossed and leave you pondering "what if it had been different?"