Update 14
1. A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.
The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...
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2. Husband Wife chori ke topic par baat kar rahe the ...
Husband - Jo shaks chori karta hai, wo baad me zaroor pachtata hai.
Wife romantic andaaz me boli - Aur tumne jo shaadi se pehle meri neende churayi thi unke baare me kya khayaal hai ??
Husband - Keh to raha hoon, jo chori karta hai wo baad mein pachtata zaroor hai.
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3. A woman finds Aladdin's magic lamp. She starts rubbing it and a Genie comes out as usual. The woman looks at the Genie and asks him to grant her wishes:
- I want my husband to have eyes only for me.
- I want to be the only one in his life.
- I want him to sleep always by my side.
- I want that when he gets up in the morning I'm the first thing he grabs and takes me everywhere he goes.
The Genie turned THE LADY into a Apple iPhone.
***
5. Wife to her husband: Suno, aate hue zara kitchen se namak lete aana.
Husband (kitchen se): Yahan to koi Namak nahi hai.
Wife: Mujhe pata tha, tum toh ho hi andhe, kaamchor kahin ke. Ek kaam dhang se nahi kar sakte, bas bahane banaate rehte ho, zindagi mein kuch to kaam karo. Mujhe pehle se hi pata tha ki tumhe nahin milega, isliye mein pehle hi le aayi thi.
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6. Jaswinder's Uncle Mohinder was booked on a flight to Bombay from Amritsar. As this was his first time in an Aircraft, he made a few preparations that were somewhat unconventional. When the stewardess came around to take orders for the in-flight meal, Uncle Mohinder declared loudly, " I have brought my own lunch. Make sure you don't charge me for food and drinks ! "
When everyone was served an in-flight meal, uncle Mohinder spread open his own home-cooked tiffin. An American Historian, sitting in the seat next to him... was curious about the food.
" Excuse me Sir, but what is that drink you have there ? " he asked.
Uncle Mohinder picked up the yogurt-based lassi drink and said, "It’s the Milk of India ! "
A moment later, Uncle Mohinder began to eat a stuffed mooli paratha, with sarson ka saag. " And what is that dish?" asked the curious American. "Wheat of India!" proclaimed Uncle Mohinder proudly.
After a while, Uncle Mohinder offered a selection of mithai, barfi, halva, to the American. "What is it?" asked the American.
"Sweet of India!" replied the old man.
After the meal, everyone was settling down when there was a loud "Ffaaaarrtt!" from the Uncle. "What was that?" asked the American with a sensory disgust.
The old man replied coolly, "That's Air India!"
***
7. Santa walked into a bar one evening, sat down and said, "Bar man, give me 1 bottle of beer, and give everybody here 2 bottles. As I am drinking, let them be drinking."
The bar man obeyed. Everybody hailed Santa.
As they were all drinking, Santa said, "Bar man, give me 1 bowl of chicken soup, and give everybody here 2 bowls of chicken soup each, as I am eating, let them be eating."
The bar man obeyed. Everybody praised Santa.
Minutes later, Santa said, "Bar man, bring me my bill, and bring everybody their bill, as I am paying, let them be paying."
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8. A fire broke out in the middle of the night in Yankel's store. It happened a few days after his insurance had lapsed. When Yankel saw the flames consume his entire business, leaving only ashes, he called out frantically: "God, I wish you would strike me dead, so that there would be an end to my troubles!"
He had hardly spoken these words when a brick which broke loose from the wall, struck him on the head. For a moment, he was dazed and when he regained his senses, he cried out: "Dear Lord, can't you take a joke?"
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9. A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a complete make-over like facelift, liposuction etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
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10. The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the grandson. "They won't let me fart."
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11. Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up.
When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
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12. A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
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13. Bhikhari (Car mein bethi lady se): "Madam 10 Rs dedo..!"
Lady ne paise de diye...
Bhikhari jane laga tabi...
Lady boli:- Baba Dua To Dete Jao..!
Bhikhari:- BMW Mein To Baithi Hai Moti... Ab Kya..."Rocket Pe Baithegi..!!!"
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14. When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, there was a professor, whose last name was Peters, who felt animosity for Gandhi, and because Gandhi never lowered his head towards him, their "arguments" were very common.
One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor. The
professor, in his arrogance, said, "Mr Gandhi: you do not understand... a pig and a bird do not sit together to eat ", to which Gandhi replies, "You do not worry professor, I'll fly away", and he went and sat at another table.
Mr. Peters, red with rage, decides to take revenge on the next test, but Gandhi responds brilliantly to all questions.
Then, Mr. Peters asked him the following question, "Mr Gandhi, if you are walking down the street and find a package, and within it there is a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money; which one will you take?"
Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, "the one with the money, of course".
Mr. Peters, smiling, said, "I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom, don't you think?"
"Each one take what one doesn't have", responded Gandhi indifferently.
Mr. Peters, already hysteric, writes on the exam sheet the word "idiot" and gives it to Gandhi. Gandhi takes the exam sheet and sits down.
A few minutes later, Gandhi goes to the professor and says, "Mr. Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade."
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15. An engineer went to police station for filing report for his missing wife ....
Engineer : I lost my wife (misty), she went for shopping & still not reached home yet.
Inspector : What is her height ? Engineer : I never noticed.
Inspector : Slim or healthy ? Engineer : Not slim can be healthy.
Inspector : Colour of eyes ? Engineer : Never noticed.
Inspector : Colour of hair ? Engineer : Changes according to season.
Inspector : What was she wearing? Engineer : Saree/suit/ I don’t remember exactly.
Inspector : Was she going in a car? Engineer : yes.
Inspector : Tell me the number,name & colour of the car ? . . . . . .
Engineer : Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre, V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tip tronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.
….and then the engineer started crying...
Inspector: Don't worry sir... We will find your car...
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16. Two women were walking down a street when they spotted a frog. The frog looked up and said, "I used to be a handsome, wealthy stockbroker, but I was turned into a frog. If one of you kisses me, I will be turned back into my original self. And I will be mighty grateful."
One of the women stooped down, picked up the frog and placed him in her purse. The two friends walked on for a while, but the other finally got curious and said, "Aren't you going to kiss the frog and turn him back to what he was?"
"Nah," she replied. "I'd rather have a talking frog."
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17. A man was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will give charity every week for the rest of my life and give up alcohol."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
The Man looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."
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18. 'Laughing At Your Own Mistakes, Can Lengthen Your Life."- Shakespear.
"Laughing At Your Wife's Mistakes,Can Shorten Your Life."- Shakespear's Wife.
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19. An aunty saw a young couple. The girl asked the boy: "What's the meaning of ABCDEFG?"
The boy answered: "A Boy Can Do Everything For Girls."
The aunty felt so sweet and when she arrived home, she asked her husband: "What do you think about me?"
The husband answered: "ABCDEFGHIJK"
Aunty felt so surprised and asked the husband what did it mean.
The husband replied: "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, and Gorgeous & Hot!"
Aunty was confused and asked: "What about I, J, K?"
Husband replied: "I'm Just Kidding!"
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20. A doctor and an engineer both loved the same girl. Everyday, the doctor gives her a rose and Engineer gives her an apple.
One day doctor asked the engineer: "why you give her an apple everyday?"
Engineer said: "An apple a day , keeps the doctor away."
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