Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
When in doubt, mumble.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
I should have known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I'm perfect.
I've got to sit down and work out where I stand.
If I save time, when do I get it back?
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called brightness, but it doesn't work.
A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
Best way to prevent hangover is to stay drunk.
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.
I was born intelligent - education ruined me.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train stops. On my desk, I have a, work station... What more can I say?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then, what exactly are the others here for?
Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Don't frown. You never know who is falling in love with your smile.
Living on Earth may be expensive... but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
Your future depends on your dreams, So go to sleep! ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY. So what ? Who's in a hurry?
Love is photogenic; it needs darkness to develop.
A good discussion is like a miniskirt; Short enough to pertain interest and long enough to cover the subject.
Can you do anything that other people can't? Sure, I can read my handwriting.