1. On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.
"What's the matter? Are you not well?"
"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see an old lady standing."
***
2. A man was complaining to a railroad engineer.
“What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late?”
The railroad engineer replied,
“How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?”
***
3. Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Yes, because the Empire State Building can't jump!
***
4. An old man was dying and he called his nephew to his bedside.
He said: ‘I’m leaving you all my money.’
The nephew said: ‘Thank you, Uncle. What can I do for you?’
He said: ‘Get your foot off my oxygen tube.’
***
5. A drunk was brought into a police station.
He pounded his fist on the counter and said: ‘I want to know why I’ve been arrested.’
The Policeman said: ‘You have been brought in for drinking.’
He said: ‘Oh, that’s all right, then. Let’s get started!’
***
6. A fellow walked into a bar with a chicken under one arm and a crocodile under the other. The barman said, ‘What’ll you have?’ He said: ‘A whiskey and soda.’ Then the crocodile spoke up and said: ‘I’ll have a gin and tonic.’ The barman said: ‘That’s amazing. I’ve never seen a crocodile that could talk before.’
He said: ‘He can’t. The chicken’s a ventriloquist.’
***
7. Little Mary: In my family, I’m scared of my Mummy.
Little Sabri: I’m scared of my Daddy.
Little Samy: It’s my Granny I’m afraid of.
Little Mary: What about you Sam?
Little Sam: Ho! Ho! In my family, all the three are scared of me!
***
8. Teacher: Sani, if you had 5 dollars and you asked your mother for another 5, how many dollars would you have?
Sani: 5 dollars Sir!
Teacher : You don’t know your Arithmetic.
Sani: But Sir, you don’t know my mother!
***
9. A husband phoned his wife from his office.
Husband : I’ve got two tickets for the fashion show in town.
Wife : That’s wonderful! I’ll start getting ready straight away.
Husband : You’d better do. The tickets are for tomorrow’s show.
***
10. Teacher to Doctor’s daughter : Your grades are terrible! I shall send for your father!
The Doctor’s daughter : If I were you Teacher, I wouldn’t. Daddy always charges 20 dollars for each visit.
***
11. An examination candidate who knew very little English once attended an oral English examination.
Examiner : How many are there in your family?
Candidate : Not many. Me, me sister, me mother, and father.
Examiner : Who does the cooking at home?
After a long period of silence, the examiner tried to help.
Examiner : Well, your mother or your sister?
And the Candidate replied : Your mother.
***
12. Mother : Susie, how was the play you attended at the theater? Did it have a happy ending?
Susie : Yes, in a way. Everybody was very happy when it finally ended.
***
13. John : Please lend me one hundred dollars.
Bill : Sorry, I have only sixty dollars.
John : It’s okay. Let me have the sixty and you can owe me the other forty dollars.
***
14. Girl : You remind me of the sea or the ocean.
Boy : Why that’s nice! Wild, restless and romantic?
Girl : No, you make me feel sick!
***
15. Customer : Waiter, what kind of a drink is this? I ordered guava juice but this tastes like kerosene.
Waiter : Sorry Sir, that must be apple juice. Our guava juice here tastes like soap.
***
16. As a doctor is examining a patient, his nurse bursts in and says, “Excuse me, but that man you just treated walked out the door and collapsed on the front step. What should I do?”
“Turn him around,” the doctor answers, “so it looks like he was walking in.”
***
17. A salesman wanted accommodation in a small town, which had two run-down hotels. Driving slowly up the main street, he asked a resident and called out to him, “Which one of these hotels do you recommend?”
“Makes no difference,” the fellow replied. “If you stay in one, you’ll wish you were in the other.”
***
18. What’s Checkmate?
You tell your wife that I saw a lady, looked exactly like you"
and
wife asks "Was she HOT..?"
You can’t say 'No',
You can’t say 'Yes'
That’s Checkmate!
***
19. The men are very kind & women are very selfish!
Here is a proof:
Most women don't like to help unknown men, but all men are ready anytime to help unknown women.
***
20. A couple went to a wish well.
Man bent down, threw a coin & made a wish.
Then the wife bent down a little more and fell into the well.
Man shouted "Great! It really works!”
***