Funny Definitions
Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Rumor : News that travels at the speed of sound.
Dictionary: The only place where divorce comes before marriage.
College : A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.
Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.
Worry : Interest paid on trouble before it falls due.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Optimist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Pessimist : A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.
Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.
Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
Divorce : Future tense of marriage.
Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".
Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power.
Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.
Father : A banker provided by nature.
Criminal : A guy no different from the rest except that he got caught.
Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Computer Engineer : One who gets paid for reading all this!
Grocery list : What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Biology : The scientific study of the number two.
Professor : Opposite of confessor.
Congress : The antonym of progress.
Bacteria : The back door of a cafeteria.
Coma : punctuation mark of consciousness.
Chicken : The only animal we eat before it is born and after it is dead.
Committee : A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Dust : Mud with the juice squeezed out.
Egotist : Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
Handkerchief : Cold storage.
Inflation : Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
Mosquito : An insect that makes you like flies better.
Raisin : A grape with a sunburn.
Secret : Something you tell to one person at a time.
Skeleton : A collection of bones with the person scraped off.
Toothache : The pain that drives you to extraction.
Tomorrow : One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
Yawn : An honest opinion openly expressed.
Wrinkle : Something other people have; I have character lines.
School : A place where Papa pays and Son plays.
Life Insurance : A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.
Nurse : A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.
Heaven : A place full of everything you get set to hell for.
Reality: The annoying time between when I wake up and internet access.
Advertising : The art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.
All new: Not compatible with earlier versions.
Argument: An exchange of words between people with diametrically opposed views, all of whom know that they are right.
Cell phone : An electronic device for one-to-one communication and one-to-many irritation.
Comprehension: Something that one has to get in order to get it.
Computer: An electronic time-saving device that is commonly used for time-wasting activities.
Computer expert : Someone who has not read the instructions, but who will nevertheless feel qualified to install a program and, when it does not function correctly, pronounce it incompatible with the operating system.
Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.
Dictionary: The only place where success comes before work.
Experience: 1. The ability to repeat one's mistakes with ever-increasing confidence. 2. What you get when you don't get what you want.
FAQ: Frequently Avoided Questions. A company's attempt to answer commonly asked questions such as, "How do I get technical support?"
Feature: A hardware limitation, as described by a marketing representative.
Flow chart: A graphic representation of a bowl of spaghetti.
Freelance: To collect unemployment.
Hardware: The parts of a computer which can be kicked.
Inbox: A catch basin for everything you don't want to deal with, but are afraid to throw away.
Initiative : Deliberately disobeying a destructive order from your manager and being right in the long run.
Instruction manual : An explanation of how to use something written in a way that is easily understood only by the author.
Jury : Twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
Management : The art of getting other people to do the work.
Management consultant : Someone who tells you how to do improve doing something that he or she can't do at all.
Marketing: The art of selling a product that doesn't cost much to produce in such a way that people will take out a small loan to own it.
Meeting : An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
Mouse : An input device designed to make computer errors easier to generate.
Multi slacking : Doing two or more useless activities simultaneously instead of working.
Negotiate : To seek a meeting of the minds without the knocking together of heads.
Outsource : The belief that all business problems can magically be solved by outsourcing.
Password : Series of letters and numbers written on a post-it note and stuck on a monitor.
Résumé : The closest many of us will ever come to perfection.
Search engine : A program that enables computer users to locate information and advertisers to locate computer users.
self-employed : Jobless.
State of the art : Anything that you can’t afford.
Strategy : A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime after those creating it have left the organization.
Tact : The art of getting your point across without stabbing someone with it.
telecrastination : The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
Television: A commercial delivery system.
Time foolery : Setting the alarm clock ahead of the real time in order to fool yourself into thinking you are not getting up so early.
tycoon : A person for whom the government makes customized laws.
Unfair competition: Selling more cheaply than we do.
Windows: The times between when companies innovate and when Microsoft incorporates.
Architect: Defines someone who was neither macho enough to become an engineer nor gay enough to become a designer.
Consultant: Someone who uses your wife's watch, tells you the time, and then charges you for it.
Economist: An expert who will know tomorrow why that which he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
Pessimist: Optimist with experience.
Programmer: Someone who fixes a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
Psychologist: Someone who looks at everyone else when an attractive woman enters the room.
Love: Four-letter word, two vowels, two consonants, and two idiots.
Headache: Method of contraception most widely used by women.
Intellectual: Someone capable of thinking for more than two hours about something other than sex.
Nanosecond: Fraction of time that occurs between the lights turning green and the car behind honking its horn.
Teamwork: The possibility of putting the blame on others.
Impatience: Waiting in a hurry.
Wisdom : Knowing what to do with what you know.