1. Husband to his wife: "Honey... I've invited a friend home for supper."
Wife: "What? Are you crazy?
The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!
"Husband: "I know all that.
" Wife: "Then why did you invite a friend home for supper?"
Husband: "Because the poor fool is thinking of getting married!" . . . . . . . . . . .
***
2. Cool message to mother-in-law:
"Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children.
I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!" . . . . . . .
***
3. When a married man replies;
"I'll think about it." -- What he really means is that he hasn't asked his wife for permission yet! . . . . . . . . . .
***
4. Searching these keywords on Google 'How to tackle wife?'
Google search result, 'Good day sir, Even we are searching'.
***
5. Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia?
The mafia wants either ur money or life...
The wives want both!
***
6. An 8 year old girl is talking to her mother….
Mom: What happened dear?
Daughter: Mom do I look like a witch?
Mom: No!
Daughter: Are my eyes big as toad?
Mom: No!
Daughter: Is my nose flat?
Mom: No baby!
Daughter: Am i fat like a bulldog?
Mom: You have a fine physique, you look like a doll!
Daughter: Then why people tell me that you look like your mom!!!
***
7. Friend 1: I’m in a big trouble!
Friend 2: Why is that?
Friend 1: I saw a mouse in my house!
Friend 2: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
Friend 1: I don’t have one.
Friend 2: Well then, buy one.
Friend 1: Can’t afford one.
Friend 2: I can give you mine if you want.
Friend 1: That sounds good.
Friend 2: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.
Friend 1: I don’t have any cheese.
Friend 2: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
Friend 1: I don’t have oil.
Friend 2: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
Friend 1: I don’t have bread.
Friend 2: Then what the hell is that mouse doing at your house???
***
8. An elderly was stopped by the police around 2 a.m and was asked
where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse
and the effects it has on the human body, as well as
smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
***
9. Behind Every Great Man, there Is A Surprised Woman.
***
10. Why do we all marry?
....
....
Because
....
........
Romance is not the only element of life.We should also know horror, terror, suspense, irony, stupidity & tragedy of LIFE.
***
11. A lady rang up St. Joseph 's Hospital and timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear, if you tell me the name and room number of the patient?" The sweet lady in a weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator said, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news.... Her nurse just told me that Norma is going normal.... Her blood pressure is fine, her blood report just came in and - all is ok, and by the way her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The sweet lady said, "Thank you... That's wonderful..!! I was so worried. God bless you for the good news..!!"
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome... Is Norma your daughter?"
The lady said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302... No one tells me anything"
***
12. Man : "Honey I've been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion. So, could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box. We're leaving from office & I'll swing by the house to pick my things. Oh, Please pack my new blue silk pajamas!"
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being a good wife she did exactly as her husband said.
The following Weekend he came home a little tired but looking good..
The wife welcomed him & asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes, Lots of Salmon, Blue gill & a few Swordfish. But why didn't u pack my blue silk pajamas?"
Wife: "I did.. They're in your fishing box!!"
***
13. The only thing, my Mother-in-Law and I agree on, is that:
MY WIFE SHOULD HAVE MARRIED SOMEONE ELSE...!!!
***
14. A Sardar enters shop shouts, Where is my free gift with this oil?
Shopkeeper: Iske Saath koi gift nahin hai bhai saab
Sardar : Oye ispe likha hai CHOLESTROL FREE.
***
15. How to Create d Biggest Doubt in your Wife's Mind for u?
?
?
Just Suddenly send her SMS Saying..
"I Luv u too ..."
***
16. A Husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room, "Please come fast I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel"....
The manager responded, "Sir that's a personal matter. .
Husband: "Idiot, the window is not opening! That's a maintenance matter !"
***
17. There are 03 kinds of men in the world:
Some remain single & make wonders happen,
Some have girlfriends & see wonders happen,
The rest get married & wonder what happened !!?
***
18. Patient: The problem is that obesity runs in our family.
Doctor: No. The problem is that nobody runs in your family.
***
19. Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
"Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies," No, It means ,
"With Idiot For Ever !!!"
***
20. Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should talk about sex.
Daughter (Excitingly ): Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.
***
21. Doctor: What seems to be your trouble?
Patient: When I get up I feel dizzy for one hour.
Doctor: Try getting up one hour later.
***
22. Romi : (to the doctor): Doctor, my sister thinks that she is a lift.
Doctor: Tell her to come in.
Romi: I cannot
Doctor: Why so?
Romi: Because she does not stop at this floor.
***
23. A very soft spoken husband was fed up with his bossy wife; so he went to a marriage counselor.
The marriage counselor said he needed to build his confidence, and so gave him some lessons on confidence and self-esteem.
When he was done with the lessons he came back to his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that, I am the boss of this house, and my word is final! I want you to prepare me a delicious meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect some tasty sweets afterwards.
Then, after dinner, you’re going to prepare for my bath so I can relax.
And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair ….”
“The funeral attender,” said his wife!!!
***
24. A group of 5 high school boys went to eat out at McDonalds and ordered 5 soft drinks. Each one of them opened their backpacks and brought out their sandwiches.
One of the McDonald's manager was watching, then walked over to their table and told them, "You can not eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The 5 boys smiled and looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches and started to eat.
***
25. A lady went to the police station to file a report for her missing Husband:
Lady: I lost my Husband
Inspector: What is his height?
Lady: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy?
Lady: Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Colour of eye?
Lady: Never noticed
Inspector: Colour of hair?
Lady: Changes according to season
Inspector: What was he wearing?
Lady: suit/casuals I don’t remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with him
Lady: Yes my Labrador dog, Calvin, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together…. And the lady started crying…..
Inspector: Let’s search for the dog first!!!!!!!
***
25. Ultimate True Test:
Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. Then open the trunk and see who's the happiest to see you.
***
26. Johnny goes to an Ophthalmologist (eye doctor).
The Doctor asks him, “What’s the problem”
Johnny complains, “I keep seeing black spots in front of my eyes.”
The Doctor asks, “Have you ever seen any doctor?”
Johnny replies, “No, just black spots.”
***
27. A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.........
***
28. After partying with friends, a man came to his home late in the night.
His wife was furious and shouted: ”Would you like it, if you don’t see me for a few days?”
The Husband was amazed and replied” That’s a fantastic idea”
Tuesday passed and he didn’t see her……
Wednesday and Thursday passed too…..
On Friday the swelling in his eye became better & now he could see her from the corner of one eye.
***
29. A 70 yr old man asks his wife "Do you feel sad when you see me running after young girls?"
Wife replied, "No not at all, even dogs chase cars they can't drive …
***
30. A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him Rs. 10 and that Continues for a year, but suddenly reduced to Rs. 7.50.
The beggar thinks, “It’s still better than nothing.”
Another year passes by and the man’s daily donation suddenly becomes Rs. 5.
” What’s going on now?” the beggar asks his donor. ” First you give me Rs. 10 every day, then Rs. 7.50 and now only Rs. 5. What’s the problem?”
” Well,” the man says, “last year my eldest son went to university, it’s very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further.”
” And how many children do you have?” the beggar asks.
”Four.” the man replies.
” Well,” says the beggar, ” I hope you don’t plan to educate them all at my expenses”.
***