Update 10
1. Two businessmen have foolish drivers. One day, they bet that whose driver is more foolish.The first one calls his driver and says “Take these hundred rupees and buy me a new Mercedes car.” The drivers says “yes sir,” and goes.The second calls his driver and says “Go to my home and see whether I am there or not.” The drivers says “yes sir,” and goes.
Those two drivers meet on the road. One driver says to other “My boss is really is fool. He has given me 100 rs to buy him a new Mercedes car. He does not know that today is Sunday and the showroom is closed.”
Other says “My boss is more foolish than yours. He told me to go to his home and see whether he is there or not. Can’t he call on phone and confirm it?”
***
2. Teacher ask a boy “Where you were born”
The boy says ”Thiruchirapally.”
Teacher says “Spell it”
Boy “Sorry teacher, I was actually borne in Goa.”
***
3. One man on post office counter “meri biwi ghar se bhag gayi”
The clerk “phir tumhe toh police station mein jaana chahiye”
The man “kahan jaaoo, kise milu, kya bataoon, khushi ke maare kuch samajh mein nahi aa raha hai! ”
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4. Boy: Daddy, Kutte shaadi kyon nahi karte?
Daddy: Kyon ki who pehle se hi kutton ki zindagi jeete rehte hai.
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5. Ek addmi dusre se : Are yaar, shaai shuda aadmi ne zindagi mein sukun aur shanty lane ke liye kya karna chahiye?
Dusra aadmi: Mujhe kaise pata hoga yaar, main to khud shaadi shuda hun.
***
6. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''This is the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman is very angry, she sits down and says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go and insult him, too. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
***
7. You are having dinner with world chess champion and if there was a check tablecloth, It will take him two hours to pass the salt.
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8. A man was coming out of the hospital just before his operation.
"What's the matter?" he was asked.
He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."
"She was just trying to make you comfortable, what's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.
***
9. One lady at desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"
"Yes, madam."
"I took a book last week and it was horrible!"
"What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"
The librarian said, "So you are the person who took our phone book."
***
10. A clerk walks into the Manager’s cabin and sees him very happy.
"What's the matter, Boss?" The clerk inquired.
"I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The manager told.
"How long did it take you?"
"Well, it was written on the box '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"
***
11. Some hunters are out in the jungle. One of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; the other man takes out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He asks the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.”
There is a silence, and then a shot is heard.
The man comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?”
***
12. A Manager noticed one of his workers behaving oddly. The worker would pick up any piece of paper he found, read and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the manager arranged to have the worker psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the worker was deranged, and wrote out his retirement from the factory.
The worker picked it up retirement paper, smiled and said: “That's it.”
***
13. Doctor to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor says, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
***
14. Santa complained to Police: Sir, all items are missing, except the TV in my house.
Police: Why did the thief not take the TV?
Santa: I was watching the TV.
***
15. “Why is the bride wearing all white?” asks the little child to her mother.
Her mother replies, “White is the color of purity and happiness, and today is the brides happiest day.”
The little girl thinks about that for a moment and then asks, “So why is the groom wearing all black”?
***
16. A priest is talking to a little boy at the end of the day’s service.
“So your Mom says prayers with you before you go to sleep, what prayer does she say?
The boy responds, “Well, usually she just says, Thank God he’s in bed.”
***
17. Husband and wife are in divorce court after a short marriage of only a few months.
“What is the reason for the divorce?” asks the judge.
“Well, after eight weeks of marriage we are unable to agree on anything.” answers Husband.
“He means seven weeks.” says Wife.
***
18. What’s the best way to remember your wife’s birthday?
Forget it just once.
***
19. Three men, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first man wishes he was off the island and back home. The second man wishes the same. The third man says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
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20. A man on the first of first show of a movie asks the man already seated near vacant seat, “Is someone coming here?” The man says, "Actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away."
"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."
***
21. Two men are walking down the street when a robber approaches them and demands their money. They both pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash.
Just then one man turns to the other and says "Here’s that Rs 2000 I owe you."
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22. My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds."
So I bought her a scale.
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23. Man asked God ''Why did you make women so pretty?''
“So you well love them.”
''Why did you make them so stupid?”
“So they well love you.”
***
24. A famous inspirational speaker said: "Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife"
Audience was in shock and silence. He added: "she was my mother"
A big round of applause and laughter!
A very daring husband tried to crack this joke at home
After a dinner, he said loudly to his wife in the kitchen:-
"Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife"
standing for a moment, taking a meaningful pause at the same time trying to recall the second line of that speaker,
By the time he gained his senses,
he was on a hospital bed,
recovering from burns of boiling water!
***
25. A drunken man is passing by a lady holding a dog. He says " It must be torture walking with a ugliest"
She says “Don’t say that about the Dog"
He says "I was talking to the dog"
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26. Why Microsoft shouldn't make cars
a. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
b. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
c. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.
d. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.
e. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.
***
27. The cop came up to the man driving the car, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
***
28. BLONDE: "Excuse me, what time is it right now?"
WOMAN: "It's 11:25PM."
BLONDE: (confused look on face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I've asked that question thirty times today, and every time someone gives me a different answer."
***
29. A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."
The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."
***
30. A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain"
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
***
31. The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."
***
32. My Dearest wife,
Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so much.
Yours always and truly,
husband.
P.S. Congratulations to you for winning the state lottery.
***
33. If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.
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34. As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, with dozens of them."
His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"
***
35. It's for my mother-in-law," explained the mourner at the funeral procession. Tightening the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said, "My Doberman here killed her."
"Gee...That's terrible," commiserated the spectator. "But... Hmmmm... Is there anyway you might lend me your dog for a day or so?"
The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered, "Get in line."
***
36. A man walking along a goa beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “I will grant you one wish.”
The man said, “Build a bridge to Mumbai so I can drive over anytime I want.”
The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of something that would honor and glorify me.”
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, why she cries, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”
The Lord replied, “You want 2 lanes or 4 lanes on that bridge?”
***
37. Three businessmen take a walk. one says, “but we have no one to go to with our problems. Since we’re all professionals, why don’t we hear each other out right-now?”
They agree that this is a good idea. The first one confesses, “I’m a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I over bill customers as often as I can.”
The second admits, “I have a drug problem that’s out of control, and I frequently pressure my customers into buying illegal products from me.”
The third says, “No matter how hard I try, I just can’t keep a secret.”
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38. One employee told his boss, “Sir, Increase my salary, I got married recently.”
The boss replied, “The Company cannot compensate for the accidents occurred outside of the company.”
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39. Two girls are talking about their future husband. One is telling that she will marry An archeologist. Second girl asked why?
She told, “An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have.The older she gets the more interested he is in her.”
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40. A man was sitting near a dog. Another man appeared there and asked the first man Does your dog bites?
Man: No.
The second man sits and the dog bites him!
Second man angrily: “You said it does not bites!”
Man: “This is not my dog.”
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41. Wife standing in front of a mirror and telling to her husband, “I am fat, old, wrinkled and no longer pretty. Will you still give me a romantic compliment?”
Husband replied, “Your eyesight is still excellent.”
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42. When the man came home, his wife was crying.
“Your mother insulted me,” she sobbed.
“My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?” the man asked.
“I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it.”
“And?”
At the end of the letter it was written:
PS. When you have finished reading this letter, don’t forget to give it to my son.
***