Update 13
1. Banta asked Santa, "What is the secret of your happy married life?"
Santa said, "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect to each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."
Banta asked, "Can you explain?"
Santa said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each others decisions."
Still not convinced, Banta asked him, "Give me some examples"
Santa said, "Smaller issues like which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to buy, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife. I just agree to it"
Banta asked, "Then what is your role?"
Santa said, "My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Syria, whether the European Union should lift sanctions over Zimbabwe, whether Tendulkar should retire, about Salman Khan's Marriage etc. Do you know one thing, my wife NEVER objects to any of these."
***
2. Judge to accused: “Have you anything to offer to the court before sentence is passed on you?”
Accused: “No, your honor. My lawyer took all my money.”
***
3. “All the kids make fun of me,” the boy cried to his mother. “They say I have a big head.”
“Don’t listen to them,” his mother consoled. “Now stop crying and go to the store for ten kgs of potatoes.”
“Where’s the shopping bag?”
“I do not have a bag - use your hat.”
***
4. “Waiter,” shouted the impatient diner, “do I have to sit here and starve all night?”
“No, sir, we close at eleven o’clock.”
***
5. “So you want another day off.” said the office manager to his clerk. “I’m eager to hear what excuse you have this time. You’ve been to your grandfather’s funeral four times already.”
Clerk replied, “Today my grandma is getting married again.”
***
6. A man consulted a psychiatrist because he was worried about his wife. “She’s got this terrible fear of having her clothes stolen,” he told the doctor.
“How can you tell?”
“Only the other day I got home early and found she had hired a man to stand in the closet to guard them.”
***
7. A lawyer and a doctor were having dinner at their country club. “I have a real problem,” the doctor said to the lawyer. “Members of this club ask me all kinds of medical questions. This hurts my practice. What can I do?”
“That’s easy,” the attorney replied. “Send them a bill.”
Two days later the doctor received a bill from the lawyer.
***
8. “You admit having broken into the dress shop four times?” asked the judge.
“Yes,” answered the suspect.
“And what did you steal?”
“A dress, Your Honor,” replied the suspect.
“One dress?” echoed the judge, “But you admit breaking in four times!”
“Yes, Your Honor,” sighed the suspect.” But three times my wife didn’t like the color.”
***
9. The Doctor told Santa that if he ran 5 kms a day for 300 days, he would lose 25 kilograms. At the end of 300 days, Santa called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem.
“What’s the problem?” asked the doctor.
“I am 1500 kms away from home.”
***
10. Newspaper Ad: “Need co-lecturer for a training session on self-reliance.”
***
11. “Nobody ever died of work,” says the director, pointing out one of his lazy workers.
“I know,” says the worker, “but I don’t want to become the first victim.”
***
12. To check the character of the prospective department head, the boss says: “Let’s assume you go to my home and ring the doorbell. My wife invites you in, but tells you that I won’t be home for another two hours. What would you do?”
The applicant hesitates, then asks, “Could you let me see a photo of your wife?”
***
13. Judge addresses the man in the courtroom: “Don’t you feel ashamed, coming here for the third time?”
The man replies: “I’m here for the third time – you come every day!”
***
14. “Last week a grain of sand got into my wife’s eye, and she had to go to the doctor,” the married man told his friend. “It cost me 500 Rupees.”
“That’s nothing,” his friend replied. “Last week a party dress got into my wife’s eye, and it cost me 5000 Rupees.”
***
15. Leena was tired of her husband coming home drunk and decided to scare him straight. One night, she put on a devil costume and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband walked by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail and pitchfork.
“Who are you?” he slurred.
“I’m the devil,” she answered.
“Well, come home with me,” he said, “I married your sister.”
***
16. Some friends rented a boat and went fishing on a lake. After they’d caught their fill and were heading back to the dock, one guy asked, “Did you mark the spot where we got all these fish?”
“Of course,” his friend said. “I put a big white X on the side of the boat where we caught them.”
“You idiot!” the first guy yelled. “What makes you think we can get this boat tomorrow?”
***
17. An angry tenant complained:
“My roof is leaking, rain is coming in through a broken window and the floors are flooded. How long is this going to continue?”
“How should I know?” said his landlord, “I’m not a weatherman.”
***
18. A Police officer pulls over this guy and says, “Sir, I need you to breathe into this Breathalyzer for me.”
The man says, “Sorry, officer, I can’t do that. You see, I’m asthmatic and if I blow too hard, I’ll have an asthma attack.”
“OK, then I’ll need you to come down to the station with me, and I’ll have to take some blood – just to make sure.”
“Sir, I can’t do that either. I’m a hemophiliac and if I do that, I’ll bleed to death.”
“OK, fine. Then I need a urine sample from you.”
“I can’t do that either, sir. I’m sorry, but I’m a diabetic and if I do that, my blood sugar will get really, really low.”
“OK, then why don’t you step out of the car and walk this white line for me,” the officer says.
“I can’t do that either, officer.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m drunk.”
***
19. A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose dog is smarter.
“My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he waits for the paper boy to come round. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee.”
“I know,” says the second owner.
“How do you know?”
“My dog told me.”
***
20. A woman with 14 children, ages one through 14, sued her husband for divorce on the grounds of desertion.
“When did he desert you?” the judge asked.
“Thirteen years ago,” she replied.
“If he left thirteen years ago, where did all these children come from?”
“Well,” said the woman, “he kept coming back to say he was sorry.”
***