Update 8
1. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug."
Do you want a room with or without a view?
***
2. When a woman picks up the phone, he assumes that it is that of the new maid his wife hired. He asks to talk to his wife. The maid says "I'm sorry, the Mrs. is in bedroom with her husband."
"What! I'm her husband!"
"Well who is she in bed with?"
"I don't know. Do you want to make Rs. 50,000 really fast?"
"Ok."
"I want you to take the shotgun that's behind my desk, and then I want you to kill them both!"
The maid agrees to do this, and sure enough, she finds a shotgun. The man hears screaming, which was followed by gunshots and silence on the other end.
"Good. Now I want you to take the bodies and hide them behind the red shed."
"You don't have a red shed. I could hide them in the pool."
"I don't have a pool."
"Yes you do."
"Is this 920-222-3582 on Arthur Road?"
***
3. In an airport boarding area they announced that the flight was overbooked.
The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later.
About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer.
About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter announced:
"If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward."
***
4. A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention the condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, she is the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. "The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
***
5. An American, Japanese, and a Sardar were sitting in the sauna naked.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.
"That's my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained,
"That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.
The Sardar felt low-tech and inferior. He didn't know what to do to be as impressive as the American & the Japanese.
He decided to take a break in the toilet. When he returned, he didn't realize that there was a piece of toilet paper got stuck and hanging from his backside.
The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?" Instead of being embarrassed, inspiration struck his mind.
The Sardar explained, "I'm getting a FAX"... The other two fainted.
***
6. Wife: “Why are you home so early?”
Husband: “My Boss told me to go to hell.”
***
7. If you EVER, EVER, find a woman who is beautiful, has a great figure,
is intelligent, gets things done on her own, drives a car well, has very little expectations , is not materialistic and loves you with crazy devotion,
Please understand that the alcohol you have consumed is of the highest quality...!!!
***
8. Q: How to sleep faster?
A: Decorate your bedroom to look like a classroom.
***
9. A beggar came along and asked him for some money. The man ignored him. But the beggar kept on pestering him. Suddenly an idea struck him. The man said, “Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of money”.
He then took cigarettes from his pocket and offered to the beggar. The beggar told, “I don’t smoke as it is injurious to health.”
The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the beggar, “Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff.” The beggar refused by saying, “Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver”.
The man smiled again. He told the beggar, “I am going to the race course. If we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone”.
As before, the beggar politely refused by saying, “Sorry sir, I can’t come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit.”
Suddenly the man felt relieved and asked the beggar to come to his home with him. The beggar asked, “Why do you want me to go to your house with you?”
The man replied, “My wife always wanted to see how a man with no bad habits looks like.”
***
10. TEACHERS AND STUDENTS
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER:Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
***
11. AN ADVERTISENT IN BRITISH NEWSPAPER:
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
***
12. Letter by a little Kid:
Dear Maths! Please grow up and solve your problems yourself.
***
13. The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins.
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits but argues, "Wait, I have done some charity also in my life."
St. Peter looks in his book and says, "Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?"
The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes."
St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."
***
14. Interviewer: There are two main rules for our company to select you.
Candidate: What is it Sir?
Interviewer: Our second rule is Cleanliness; did you wipe your feet on the mat near the door before coming in?
Applicant: “Yes Sir”
Interviewer: Our first rule is trustworthiness and for your information there is no mat!!!
***
15. Ek Ladka Pepsi Samne Rakh Ke Udas Baitha Tha .
Dost aaya, Pepsi Pee liya aur pucha Yaar Tu Udaas Kyon Hai......??
Dost bola Yaar Aaj ka Din hi Bura hai.
Subah Girlfriend Se Jhagda Ho gaya
Raste Me Car Kharab Ho gayi. Office Late Pahuncha To Boss ne Naukri Se Nikal Diya. .
Ab Suicide Karne Ke Liye Pepsi Me ZAHER Milaya, Wo Bhi Tu Pee Gaya …..
***
16. An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect... Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
***
17. Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
***
18. Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' '
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that... I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' '
***
19. A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her.
But one day, he became determined to ask her the question.
So he calls her on the phone, "Alice."
"Yes, this is Alice."
"Will you marry me?"
"Of course I will! Who's this?"
***
20. Angry Boss: Have u ever seen a stupid, idiot, fool?
Employee: (looking down) No, Sir...
Boss: Don't look down.
Look at me!!!
***
21. One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist. "Could you taste this for me, please?"
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it. It tasted unpleasant.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" says man. "No, not at all," says the chemist, pulling a face.
"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."
***
22. Two lawyers went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”
The lawyer looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
***
23. "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man.
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00, no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have it every morning at 6:30."
The 60-year-old said, "So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
***
24. An elderly man, George, was going up to bed, saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing things”
Then the policeman said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay."
Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.
In five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Police Dog, Fire Truck, a Paramedic, and an residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
***
25. A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!
Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
***