Update 9
1. Mother: Why are you late?
Son: A dog was chasing me.
Mother: You should have thrown a stone at it.
Son: Yes I threw a stone on it.
Mother: Then?
Son: When I threw the stone on that sleeping dog and then it started chasing me.
***
2. Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.
He said, "My boy that was incredible! I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"
***
3. A husband came from a paid seminar on married life, wanted to express his bad luck of ugly wife said, "The lecturer told us, the wife of an Idiot is generally beautiful and ............"
The wife interrupted the husband and said, "Seems you don't have any work other then praising me all the times."
***
4. The angry husband blasted, "You always make the dish of tomatoes and I am tired. Do you know, people say, the man who eats too much tomatoes is reborn as a Donkey in next life'."
The wife said, "Yes, but you should have thought that in your last life."
***
5. A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
***
6. Why Some Men Have Dogs and Not Wives:
1. the later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, if I died, would you get another dog??
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
***
7. Wife: I hate the beggar who came yesterday!
Husband: Why??
Wife: I gave him food yesterday & today he gifted me a book "How to Cook"!!
***
8. A man threw his wife in a pond of Crocodiles. He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists for being cruel to the Crocodiles!
***
9. A man wanted to determine if both his wife and girlfriend were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later questioned each one on the others behavior. When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his girlfriend.
“She flirts with nearly every man on the ship,” his wife reported.
The disheartened man then met his cheating girlfriend to ask her the same questions about his wife. “She was a real lady,” his girlfriend said.
“How so?” the encouraged man asked.
“She came on board with her husband and never left his side.”
***
10. These laws are better than Newton’s Laws:
Law of Queue: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Law of Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
Law of The Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of The Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
Bath Theorem: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of The Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!
***
11. When a woman says, 'What?’
it's not because she didn't hear you.
She's giving you a chance to change what you said.
***
12. A young pet monkey had an accident and needed a brain transplant. The veterinarian told the monkey’s human family, “Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the cost yourselves.”
“Well, how much does a brain cost?” asked the family.
“For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000,” replied the vet.
The mother was unsatisfied and asked, “Why the difference in price between male and female brains?”
“Standard pricing practice,” said the vet. “The female brains have to be marked down because they’ve actually been used!”
***
13. Man to chemist: I need Poison.
Chemist: I can't sell until you have prescription.
Man showed his Marriage Certificate.
Chemist: Oh, I am really sorry; you want a big bottle or small?
***
14. Teacher: Which was d 1st Silent Film in Hindi?
Santa: If the Film Was Silent, how do u know it is Hindi?
***
15. Wife to husband: Stop looking at girls, you are married now!
Husband: You mean if I m on diet, I can't even look at the menu!
***
16. A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my perfect figure?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humour.
***
17. Wife: My husband went to the market yesterday to bring potatoes. He has not returned home yet.
Inspector: Why don't you cook something else?"
***
18. A man was in a candle light dinner with his wife celebrating, his 10th anniversary, one night...
After a long silence, he said, ''I love you.''
She said, ''Is that you or the vodka talking?''
He replied, ‘‘It’s me ... talking to the vodka!
***
19. What’s the name of your wife?
“Google.”
Why is it so?
“Ask her one question, she will give you thousand answers.”
***
20. After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love & didn't notice."
***
21. Two soldiers were having a chat during their free time.
1st Soldier: Why did you join the army?
2nd Soldier: I didn't have a wife and I loved war. So I joined. How about you? Why did you join the army?
1st Soldier: I joined because I had a wife and I loved peace!
***
22. Husband wanted to call the hospital to ask about his pregnant wife.
By mistake he called the cricket stadium. He asks, “How’s the situation?”
He was shocked nearly died on hearing the reply. ..
They said, “It’s fine. 3 are out, hope to get another 7 out by lunch, last one was a duck!”
***
23. After ordering a milkshake, a man had to leave his seat in the restaurant to make a telephone call.
Since he didn't want anyone to take his drink, he took a paper napkin, wrote on it, "The World's Strongest Weightlifter," and left it under his glass.
When he returned from making his call, the glass was empty. Under it was a new napkin with new writing that said:
"Thanks for the treat!"
"The World's Fastest Runner"
***
24. A woman went shopping, at cash counter she opened her purse to pay.
The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse. He couldn't control his curiosity and asked, "Do you always carry your TV remote with you?"
She replied, "No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me for shopping today, so...
The shopkeeper smiles and takes back all the items that the lady had purchased.
Shocked at this act, she asks the shopkeeper, What are you doing?"
He said, "Your husband has blocked your credit card."
***
25. A Girl to another,
" Why did not you say anything to that German man who kissed you?"
The other girl replied,
" I cannot speak German."
***
26. Lover to girlfriend,
" Sweetie, you love me or not? tell me immediately, otherwise I will suicide under local train."
Girlfriend: "Let me think for some time. and do not worry, the local train is in every 5 minutes."
***
27. A man to neighbour,
" Oh you are seriously injured. Come on, I will take you to your home."
Neighbour says,
" I am coming out from my home only."
***
28. Employee to boss,
" My wife is asking when you will raise my salary."
Boss says,
" I will ask my wife and tell you."
***