Airline Announcements
*Lufthansa Airlines*
Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain :"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean".
The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane after this announcement all the passengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request.
Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean. The captain once again made an announcement:
"Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane.
For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane... -Thank You For Flying Lufthansa- ".
*British Airways*
"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London.
We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic."
"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off."
*"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message."*
*Delta Airlines*
At the airport for a trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35. So again we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate.
*Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke " Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program." *
Here are some more ...
“To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably should not be out in public unsupervised.”
“Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”
“Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”
“Thank you for flying on our airline. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
“Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, we're sure as hell everything has shifted.”
“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.”
“Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you”
“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”
“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
“United Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight.”
“Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to your destination. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate.”
“Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”
“We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of United Airlines.”
“Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is outside on the wing. If you can light them, you can smoke them.”
Source: Internet