Update 6
1. Difference between boys and girls using google when they found their PC is overheated:
Boys type in google: PC overheated solutions
Girls type in google: My PC is overheated how do I get it cool down because this pc is my life.
***
2. Two students were fighting outside the examination hall. The teacher came out and said,
Teacher: Why are you fighting?
Student: Teacher, he left his answer sheet blank.
Teacher: Why should that bother you?
Student: Me too left my answer sheet blank
Teacher: So?
Student: The teacher will think that we have copied from each other.
***
3. Three lawyers and three engineers were travelling in a same train. All lawyers bought a ticket whereas the engineers bought only one ticket.
‘How is it possible for you three to travel on a single ticket?’ asked a lawyer.
‘Just see,’ answered one of the engineers.
After entering the train, the three engineers went into a toilet and closed the door. Shortly after the train started, the ticket checker arrived. He knocked on the toilet door and asked, ‘Ticket please.’ The door just opened and a single hand came out with a ticket. The ticket checker took it and moved further. Seeing this, the lawyers decided to the same thing on the return trip.
While on the return trip, they bought only one ticket. But they surprised to see that the engineers didn’t buy any. ‘How are you going to travel without a ticket?’ asked one of the lawyers.
‘Just see,’ answered an engineer.
In the train, the three engineers went into a toilet and the three lawyers into another nearby. Soon after the train started, one of the engineers got out of the toilet and walked to one where the lawyers were hiding.
He knocked on the door and said, ‘Ticket, please.’
***
4. A small farm boy was milking his cow when all of a sudden a bull came charging towards him. The people around were worried, the boy calmly continued his milking.
To people’s astonishment, the bull stopped at a little distance from the boy, turned back and walked away . ‘Why you are not afraid?’ one of the persons asked the boy.
‘Not at all,’ the boy replied, ‘I knew this cow was his mother-in-law.’
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5. Boy to mother: I have decided to stop studying.’
‘Why?’ asked the mother.
‘I heard that that someone was shot dead, because he knew too much.’
***
6. Late one night, a robber stopped a well-dressed man and put a pistol in his chest. ‘Give me your money,’ he demanded.
The man replied, ‘You can’t do this—I’m a politician!’
‘In that case,’ replied the robber, ‘give me my money!’
***
7. ‘The lift will be down presently,’ the Englishman at hotel reception told the American tourist.
‘The lift?’ said the American. ‘Oh, you mean the elevator.’
‘No, I mean the lift.’ replied the Englishman.
‘I think I better know what it is called,’ said the American. ‘because Elevators were invented in the States.’
‘May be,’ retorted the Englishman. ‘But we invented the language.’
***
8. ‘I’m very sorry to learn that your wife ran away with your driver,’ said the friend to the other.
‘Oh, don’t worry, I can drive.’
***
9. A judge asked, ‘How many times have you been imprisoned?’
‘Nine times, my Lord.’
‘Nine times? Then I will give you the maximum sentence for this case.’
‘Maximum sentence?’ said the defendant. ‘Don’t you give your regular clients some discount?’
***
10. A drunken man on a bus was tearing up a newspaper into small pieces and throwing them out the window.
Woman sitting next to him asked ‘would you mind explaining why you’re doing this?’
‘It scares away the elephants,’ replied the drunk.
‘But I don’t see any elephants around here,’ said the woman.
‘Effective, isn’t it?’ said the drunk.
***
11. Tom ordered tea in a hotel. Shortly afterwards, a waitress asked, ‘Sugar in your tea?’
‘No, thank you,’ Tom replied.
‘Well, don’t stir it then.’
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12. Angry wife to husband: ‘Can’t you say we’ve been married twenty-four years instead of “almost a quarter of a century”?’
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13. Little Sam was practising the violin in the living room, while his father was trying to read. The family dog was at there too, and, on hearing the screeching sounds, began to bark. Sam’s father listened to the dog and the violin for as long as he could. Then he yelled, ‘Sam, can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know?’
***
14. A doctor was called in to see an aristocrat. “Well, sir, what’s the matter?” he asked happily.
Patient said, “It is for you to find out.”
Doctor said, “Well, if you permit me, I’ll go along and bring a friend of mine - a veterinarian. He is the only person who can make a diagnosis without asking any questions.”
***
15. The mother of many children said to her family. “The one who obeys me immediately and does exactly as he’s told without arguing will get hundred rupees at the end of the month.”
“It’s not fair,” said the youngest kid, “Daddy will always get this money.”
***
16. A ordinary candidate for the police department failed in the written examination. Since he was nephew of a big politician, the examiner decided to go easy on him with the interview.
“Who shot John F Kennedy?”, asked the examiner.
The candidate thought for a moment and then asked if he could come up with the answer little later. The examiner told him to come back the next morning.
When the candidate went home, his wife asked, “Did you get the job?”.
“I think so,” he replied. “They have already got me working on a case”.
***
17. What is your age?” asked the Judge. “Remember you have to say true and correct”. “Twenty-one years and some months,” the woman answered.
“How many months?” the Judge persisted. “One hundred and twenty.”
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18. The tourist said to the mountaineer, “Your son just threw a rock at me as I passed by.”
“Did it hit you?”
“No.”
“Then it wasn’t my son.”
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19. The proud mother was showing her new baby to her friend. ‘Doesn’t he look just like his father?’ asked the mother.
‘Yes,’ replied the friend. ‘But don’t worry — he’ll probably change for the better as he gets older.’
***
20. Customer: ‘I would like to buy a novel, please.’
Bookshop assistant: ‘Sure, madam. Do you have the title or name of the author?’
Customer: ‘Not really. I was hoping you could suggest something.’
Bookshop assistant: ‘No problem. Do you like light or heavy reading?’
Customer: ‘It doesn’t matter. I’ve left my car just outside the shop.’
***
21. Clerk: ‘Please can I have a day off next week to do some late evening shopping with my wife and our four kids?’
Boss: ‘Certainly not!’
Clerk: ‘I knew you’d be understanding, sir. Thanks for getting me out of that terrible thing.
***
22. At the board meeting, the chairman rose to make his speech.
‘Who is having good relations with my secretary?’ he demanded.
This was met with silence. ‘All right, then,’ said the chairman, ‘put it this way
— who is NOT having good relations with my secretary?’
Again there was silence, and then one man said, self-consciously: ‘Me, sir.’
‘Right,’ said the Chairman. ‘You sack her.’
***
23. A woman to another, “That’s a nice dress you’re wearing — who went for the fitting?’
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24. Patient: ‘Doctor, do you think that I will live for hundred years?’
Doctor: ‘Do you smoke or drink?’
Patient: ‘No.’
Doctor: ‘Do you drive fast cars, gamble, or play around with women?’
Patient: ‘Not at all’
Doctor: ‘Then why do you want to live for hundred years?’
***
25. A policeman wistled at a speeding car and signaled it to stop.
‘You name, please?’ asked the policeman, taking out his pen.
‘Certainly, officer,’ replied the driver. ‘I am Doratio Perxes Maertes Kodomeneus Reneas Usclepius Bhicles Kenoeceus Jemnon Shiloctetes Ayndareus Fylas.’
The policeman thought for a moment, then looked at his book, shook his head and said: ‘I’ll just give you a warning this time — don’t break the speed limit again.’
***