1. Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their 90's, when one of them suddenly fell ill. His friend came to visit him on his deathbed, and they were talking about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asked, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's Cricket in heaven."
The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he died.
A couple days later, his surviving friend was sleeping when he heard his friend's voice. The voice said, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's Cricket in heaven."
"What's the bad news?"
"We have a match here on Wednesday. Your name is in our team list."
***
2. Two friends are walking from religious service. One wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.
The other replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"
So he goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I smoke while I pray?"
The Priest replies, "No, my son, you may not! That's utter disrespect to our religion."
The other friend says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."
And so he goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I pray while I smoke?"
To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. You can always pray whenever you want to."
***
3. He said, "God?"
God responded, "Yes?"
And the Guy said, "Can I ask a question?"
"Go right ahead", God said.
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God said, "A million years to me is only a second."
The man wondered.
Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"
God said, "A million dollars to me is a penny."
So the man said, "God can I have a penny?"
And God cheerfully said,
-
-
"Sure!...... . just wait a second."
***
4. An English professor wrote the words,
"Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
***
5. A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"
***
6. One man says "Well, just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
His friends were amazed! "What happened then?"
"Well, then she said, 'GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN' "
***
7. Miser on his death time-
My wife, where r you?
Wife: Yes, I’m here.
My sons and daughters are you all here?
Yes, Papa
Miser: Idiots... then, why the hell the fan in the next room is on???
***
8. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her.
They got married, and now he is going through hell.
***
9. Santa's wife ran off with his best friend Banta.
One of his relative expressed his feeling.
Relative - I am so sorry... You must be missing her very much.
Santa - Not her, I miss him ... as Banta was my only best friend.
***
10. Girlfriend to Boyfriend: Now it is time we should marry.
Boyfriend: That's ok, but who will marry us?
***
11. First Friend (to second friend) - Can you lend me 10000 rupees.
Second Friend - I can't lend you 10000 rupees.. Because our friendship is much more precious than these 10000 rupees.
First Friend - Ok then lend me 20000 rupees.
***
12. A maid servant hurriedly went to Suman, "Mam, three women from our neighborhood are beating your mother in law badly"
Suman went downstairs with her maid servant and coolly looked at the scene. Maid servant asked her with amusement, “Why don't you help?"
" I think three are sufficient " Suman replied calmly.
***
13. A patient complains to a famous Doctor: ‘Doctor, 'I’ve been having terrible health problems for years, and no one has ever been able to help me.'
‘'Who has been treating you until now?’'
‘'Dr Varma.‘'
‘'I see. He is an idiot. I’m curious to know what he advised you to do?'.’
Patient – “To come and see you.”
***
14. A foreign tourist hired a guide to take him around Delhi. At the Red Fort at Delhi, he admired the architecture and asked how many years it took to build.
“Twenty years,” replied the guide.
‘You Indians are slow and lazy,” the tourist said. “In my country, this could have been built in one year.’
At Agra he admired the Taj’s beauty and asked how many years it took to build.
‘Only ten years,’ said the guide.
The tourist retorted: ‘oh! We can construct such buildings in one month’
Finally, when they reached the Qutab Minar, and the tourist asked what it was, the guide replied: ‘I don’t know. It wasn’t there yesterday evening.”
***
15. A TC asked a passenger travelling in the train compartment -
" May I know where are you going?"
Passenger - " I am going to the place where Lord Rama was born''
TC - " May I have a look at your ticket please?''
Passenger - " I am afraid, I don't have it"
TC- '' Well, .. come.. follow me''
Passenger - " Where ?''
TC - " To the place where Lord Krishna was born"
***
16. A man and his wife walked to a Dentist. He said "Doctor, I'm in hurry. I have friends sitting out in my car waiting for us to watch movie, so forget about the anesthesia and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We are already late!'
The dentist thought to himself, 'You are very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.' So the dentist asks him, 'which tooth is it sir?
The man turned to his wife and said, 'Open your mouth honey, and show him.'
***
17. Teacher: - Scientists all over the world are wondering how long a human being can live without a brain..
One Student: - Sir, Kindly tell them your age..
***
18. A college girl comes late to class.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Girl: One boy was following me, sir.
Teacher: So, What?
Girl: That boy was walking very slowly.
***
19. Santa was sitting in a park with his girlfriend.
In front of them a Dog was kissing another Dog.
Santa (in loving mood) :- Honey... if you don't mind I am also feeling like kissing...
Girlfriend: - OK... go ahead... just take care that Dog does not bite you ...
***
20. Wife - I have fired our driver, because today its second time that I almost saved from a accident.
Husband - Darling please give him one more chance!
***
21. One WIFE is sufficient to change your whole LIFE.
But whole LIFE is insufficient to change the WIFE.
***
22. Wives are magicians….. They can change anything into an argument.
***
23. Teacher - A glass of water and a glass of Beer was kept in front of a Donkey. The Donkey drinks only water and not Beer.
Now Students, tell me the moral of this story
One Student - Sir the moral of the story is that ' The one who do not drink Beer is a Donkey’
***
24. Teacher calls one student near blackboard he was doing mischief.
To make fun of him, Teacher points a ruler at him and says to the class "Students you know there is an idiot standing at the end of this ruler."
One of the Students innocently asks - “Which end sir?"
***
25. Boyfriend - pack your bag honey, I have won 10 million Rupees in a lottery..
Girlfriend - Wow! Great ... So what's the plan ... Thailand or Switzerland?
Boyfriend - just pack your bag and GET LOST!
***
26. Santa in Curtain shop: - I want curtains for latest Windows 7.
Shopkeeper : - You no more require the curtains, because Microsoft has already made provision for the customers like you.
Santa :- What provision?
Shopkeeper : - Every time hanging and crashing so that the windows remain shut down most of the time.
***
27. Santa goes into a library.
Santa (cheerfully in loud voice) :- I am here to see a doctor.
Librarian (putting his figure on lips in hushed voice) :- Mister, this is a library.
Santa (very lower voice):- Oh sorry, I am here to see a doctor.
***
28. One man - My wife is passed away yesterday, I tried hard, but I could not get tears in my eyes, what should I do?
Other man - ... just imagine she has come back.
***
29. Teacher: Imagine you’re in a world with dinosaurs and a dinosaur was going to eat you. What would you do?
Boy: Easy, stop imagining.
***
30. Initially... you know... I used to work too hard, but then I got a job ...
***
31. Son: Papa...Tell me the difference between mom and wife?
Father: Simple ... One who brings you into this world crying and the another ensures that you continue crying..
***
32. Husband was getting annoyed and shouted upstairs to his wife," Hurry up or we'll be late."
"Oh, be quiet," replied his wife. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in 5 minutes?"
***
33. Mr Mohan Singh, who was Chairman of Sardar’s group, one day took a meeting of all the sardars and expressed displeasure about the fact that all the people are making fun of sardars. He said “We will not do silly mistakes from now. We will think and then reply. For Example, you answer my question after careful thinking, and then you will answer me correctly. If there are four members in my family, and I have a wife and two sons, then who is the fourth member?”
All the sardars were thinking about this but nobody could reply.
Then the chairman said “If there are four members in my family, and I have a wife and two sons, then fourth member is me.”
All the sardars noted this and the meeting ended.
Santa also attended the meeting. On the way to his home, he met Banta. Santa asked Banta “If there are five members in my family, and I have a wife, two sons and a daughter, then who is the fifth member?”
Banta could not answer to this question.
Santa said “If there are five members in my family, and I have a wife, two sons and a daughter, then the fifth member is Mohan Singh!”
***
34. Santa told Banta “Today I cheated Indian Railway”
Banta asked “That’s really amazing. What did you do?”
Santa Said “I made a reservation in a train, but did not board the train.”
***