Update 5
1. A car dashed a very fat woman. The woman angrily said to car driver “You idiot! Can’t you take a turn and then go ahead?”
The driver said “You are right, I could have taken a turn, but I do not have so much petrol in my car!”
***
2. One man was beating his son. The neighbour said “Why are you beating him so badly?”
The man said “He has his exam result tomorrow. And I am leaving for another town tomorrow morning.”
***
3. The girl “Will you love me like this after marriage, too?”
The boy “yes, if your husband and my wife will permit.”
***
4. Teacher: Imagine you’re in a world with dinosaurs and a dinosaur is going to eat you. What would you do?
Boy: Easy, stop imagining …
***
5. Two ladies are fighting for a seat in a bus ..
Bus conductor: “The older one should sit here.”
Both looked at each other, and the seat remained empty.
***
6. A sms sent by a husband to his wife
“Hi Darling, I am just having my last peg and I will be home in 30 mins, If I do not come in 30 mins, please read this sms again.”
***
7. Mareez: “Mujhe ajeeb si bimari ho gayi hai. Jab meri biwi bolti hai to mujhe kuch bhi sunayi nahi deta.”
Hakim: “Mashaalla, Yeh bimari nahin, aap par Allah ki meherbani ho gayi hai.”
***
8. Ek aadmi train mein chadne laga to use aawaz sunai di “ Yeh train patri se utar jayegi.” Woh utar gaya aur kuch der baad train sachnush patri se utar gayi.
Phir who plane mein chadne laga to aawaz aayi “ Yeh plane crash ho jayega.” Woh utar gaya aur kuch der baad plane crash ho gaya.
Phir woh bus mein chadha to aawaz aayi “ Yeh bus ka accident ho jayega.”
Aadmi: Kaun hai?
Aawaz : main Aakshwaani hun.
Aadmi: (Gusee se) Jab meri shaadi ho rahi thi tab tumhara gala baith gaya tha kya?”
***
9. Why the TV is better than Internet?
a. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.
b. You do not get "Error 404" message on TV.
c. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.
d. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.
e. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.
f. You can't surf internet from a couch with a Pepsi in one hand and Potato chips in the other.
***
10. Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: In the accident, your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your shoes.
***
11. Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why Doctor?
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the 3 O'clock movie.
***
12. One man asks the other “What’s there in your bag?”
The other man says, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."
The First is silent for a moment then says, "Good trade."
***
13. Questions to Doctor with their Answers (funny):
Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children are enough.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth.
Q. My wife always talks non-sense, she is moody that sometimes irritates me.
A. So what's your question?
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. No if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kid will go in college.
***
14. Reasons why some men favor handguns over women:
a. You can keep one handgun at home, and have another for when you're
on the road.
b. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun for a back up.
c. Handguns function normally every day of the month.
d. You can buy a silencer for a handgun.
***
15. A lady tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, “Why do you need cyanide? The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!”
Then the lady reached into her bag and pulled out a picture of her husband hugging the pharmacist's wife and handed it to the pharmacist. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Oh, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
***
16. Husband and wife had a cold war for few days. However, to minimize the trouble husband asked the wife for a long drive along the country side. When the wife was looking towards some cows in the green field, he took the opportunity to make the situation lighter and asked the wife "Relative of yours?" The wife, breaking the silence instantly replied, "Yes, by marriage."
***
17. First man: “Some things happen, but we do not understand why. Yesterday, my wife gave birth to three sons, because I work for 3-M Company.”
Other man: “Oh no! That should not be the reason.”
First man: “I strongly believe that it the reason.”
Other man (in sad tone): “Then it is terrible for me. I work for 7-up.”
****
18. One evening, a young woman came home, rather sad. She told her mother, "My boyfriend proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. We will show him how wrong he is."
***
19. A Man in a book Store: “Do you have a book ‘Husband- the Master of Wife’?”
Sales girl: “Sir, Fantasy and Comic Sections are on the first floor.”
***
20. A Saree shop owner to his regular customer: “Sahab, Saree Bhabhiji ke liye chahiye Ya achhi si dikhaoo?”
***
21. Pakka Puneri Joke
First man: Are aaj mastpaiki party karuya.
Second man: Kaa re? kahi vishesh?
First man: Are shejari je rahtat na, tyana 5 lakhachi lottery lagliy.
Second man: Mhanun aapan party karayachi?
First man: Are tyanch ticket harwalay.
***
22. What a Married Man says after years of Marriage:-
My Marriage is made of Trust & Understanding, She doesn't Trust me & I don't understand her…
***
23. Professor to student: platform 2 km lamba hai, aandhi jor se chal rahi hai, 60 km/hr. ki speed se aur ek train aai aur Karachi se Lahore ki taraf chali gai...
To sawal ye hai ke, "batao meri umar kitni hai.........??
Ek student kafi der baad bola: 42 saal hai. .
Professor: Good, lekin tumne kaise calculate kia......??
Student: Sir, hamare ghar ke paas ek admi rehta hai woh aadha pagal hai aur uski umar 21 saal hai..!!
***
24. Husband : aaj khane me kya banaogi?
Wife: wo jo aap kaho.
Husband : daal chawal bana lo
Wife : kal hi to khaye the
Husband : to sabzi roti bana lo
Wife : bachhe nahi khayenge
Husband : to choley puri bana lo
Wife : mujhe heavy lagta hai
Husband : andey aaloo bana lo
Wife : phir subah nashtey me kya khaoge?
Husband : parathey
Wife : raat ko parathey kaun khata hai ?
Husband : hotel se mangwa leta hoon
Wife : roj roj hotel ka nahi khana chahiye
Husband : dahi chawal
Wife : dahi nahi hai
Husband : muttor Kheema?
Wife : us me time lage ga pehle bolte to ho jata
Husband : maggi bana lo, Us me time nahi lagega
Wife : us se pet nahi bharega
Husband : phir ab kya banaogi?
Wife : "JO AAP KAHO"
***
25. A husband's version:
My wife is like "Terms & conditions" of a Website ! I never understand what she says but I always accept!!
***
26. The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want
The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want
The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious
The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later
The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain
The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to
The wife says: I'n not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron
The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.
The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!
The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.
The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.
The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.
The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.
The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.
The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.
The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]
The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No
The wife says: No
The wife means: No
The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No
The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry
The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it
The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him
The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!
***
27. A kid found a new train by his father.
Kid : Train chalata hai, aur har mod per train ko rok ker kehta hai” jis ullu ke patthe ko uterna hai uter jaye”, phir train chalata hai aur wahi karta hai.
Father : Gusse me, kaisi language use kar rahe ho, badtameez, aur train cheen leta hai, aur bache ko mayus dekhker phir de deta hai aur bolta hai aab aisa mat bolna.
Kid : Phir train chalata hai, aur mod aate hei train rok ker bolta hai” jis ullu ke patthe ko uterna hai jaldi uter jaye, pehle hi ek ullu ke patthe ki wajah se train late ho chuki hai”.
***
28. Two friends were talking by sitting road side.
Suddenly they saw a man came from his car and open it’s door for his wife.
Then one friend told to other, “If a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife.”
***
29. Early one morning, a mother Sardarni went in to wake up her Sardar son.
“Wake up, son. “
“But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.”
“Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.”
“Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!”
“Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.”
“Give me two reasons why I should go to school.”
“Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the PRINCIPAL!”
***
30. A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
“What was that for?” ,the man asked.
The wife replied, “That was for the piece of paper with the name of woman on it that I found in your pants pocket”.
The man said, “When I was at the races last week, it was the name of the horse I bet on”
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
She replied “Your horse called up“.
***
31. Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet.
“Doctor,” he said sadly, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to cut off my dog’s tail.”
The vet stepped back, “Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?”
“Because my mother-in-law’s arriving tomorrow, and I don’t want anything to make her think she’s welcome.”
***
32. Beta Maa se: Maa, aaj maine bahut punya ka kam kiya.
Maa: Kya kiya Beta?
Beta: Maine aaj ek andhi aurat ko road paar karaya.
Maa: Waah! Magar tumhe koi dikkat toh nahi hui.
Beta: Bahut dikkat hui maa. Woh aurat road hi nahi paar karna chah rahi thi!
***
33. A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race come about?”
The Mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made.”
A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them.”
The confused girl returns to her mother and says, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God , and Papa says we developed from monkeys?”
The Mother answers, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side.”
***
34. Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot. The American said, Talking about love marriages… I’ll tell you my story.
I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father’s father-in-law.
Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father’s brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father’s son i.e. my brother is my grandson.
Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.
And you say you have family problems…
***
35. Banta and and son went fishing one day. He began to get curious so he asked his father some questions.
“How does this boat float?”
Banta thought for a moment, then replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”
The boy soon came up with another one, “How do fish breath underwater?”
Once again Banta replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”
A little later the boy asked Banta, “Why is the sky blue?”
Again, Banta replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”
Worried he was going to annoy his father, he said, “Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?”
Banta immediately assured him, “Of course not, son. If you don’t ask questions, you’ll never learn anything!”
***
36. Once a friend telling to his another friend, “You know me and my girlfriend is going to marry soon”
His friend became happy and told, “That’s good,when you will marry?”
The friend replied, “She will marry on 30th May, 2009 and I will on 6th June.”
***
37. A drunken man is driving his car is weaving violently all over the road. A policeman pulls him over. “So,” says the policeman to the driver, “where have you been?“ “I’ve been to the pub,” slurs the drunk.
“Did you know that a few miles back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank God,” sighs the man. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
***
38. Starting the day with a conversation between a wife and a husband who is a software engineer.
Husband: (Returning late from work) “Good Evening Dear, I’m now logged in.”
Wife: Have you brought the grocery?
Husband: Bad command or file name.
Wife: But I told you in the morning
Husband: Erroneous syntax. Abort?
Wife: What about my new TV?
Husband: Variable not found…
Wife: At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied…
Wife: Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?
Husband: Too many parameters…
Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband: Data type mismatch.
Wife: You are useless.
Husband: It’s by Default.
Wife: What about your Salary?
Husband: File in use… Try after some time.
Wife: What is my value in the family.
Husband: Unknown Virus.
***
39. Dear Tech Support:
Years ago I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. The new program began unexpected memory processing that took up a lot of resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity, such as Happy Hour 64, Golf 2.3, Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6. Girlfriend 7.0 ran smoothly with all of these applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help! : A Troubled User.
REPLY: This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once Installed!
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGISE.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
Improper use of Wife 1.0 will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 36.24. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck- Tech Support
***
40. Woman's note to Tech Support:
Last year, I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0, and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5. Much to my surprise, Husband 1.0 contained additional undesirable programs such as NDTV 5.0, Discovery 4.3, and ESPN 2.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix the problems, to no avail. What can I do?
Reply:
First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Try installing Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. Remember, overuse of the above applications can cause a default to Grumpy Silence 2.5.
CAUTION: DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve performance - I personally recommend Tasty Food 3.0 and Loving Talk 7.7.
Good luck- Tech Support