Update 4
1. Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks.
"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing.
You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife."
"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't," he replied.
***
2. Jennifer sprang to answer the telephone. "Darling, How are you? This is Mummy."
"Oh Mummy," Jennifer said crying, "I'm having a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine won't work. I've sprained my ankle and I'm hobbling around. On top of all this, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have the Andersons and the Nicholsons for dinner tonight. I haven't even had a chance to go shopping."
The voice on the other end said in sympathy, "Darling, let Mummy handle it. Sit down, relax and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, tidy up the house and cook your dinner. I'll feed the baby and I'll call an engineer I know who'll fix your washing machine. Now stop crying. I'll even call your husband Wayne at the office and tell him he should come home to help out for once."
"Wayne?" said Jennifer. "Who's Wayne?"
"Why, Wayne's your husband....Is this 0208 123 3749?"
"No, this is 0208 123 3747."
"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I dialled the wrong number."
There was a short pause, then Jennifer said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"
***
3. Little Sonia was shouting her prayers. "Please God send me a new doll for my birthday."
Her mother, overhearing this, said, "Don't shout dear, God isn't deaf."
"No, but Grandad is, and he's in the next room," Sonia replied.
***
4. Four Ants are moving through a forest. They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them
Ant 1 says : we should KILL him
Ant 2 says : No, Let us break his Leg alone
Ant 3 says : No, we will just throw him away from our path..
Ant 4 says : No, we will LEAVE him because it would be unfair, he is ALONE and we are FOUR.
***
5. Two Terrorists having discussion in a Restaurant…
The waitress asks them what the discussion was about?
Terrorist : We are planning to kill 14 thousand people & a dog..
Waitress : Why a dog?
Then one terrorist tells the other.
“ See I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people “
***
6. The boss of a big company who needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "ME."
***
7. A Senior Manager working in an MNC, as usual after lunch goes to the cafeteria for coffee.
He relaxes in canteen. He sees a canteen boy cleaning tables there.
To Kill time he decides to have fun with him.
He calls him.
Senior Manager - (Asks canteen boy) : How much do you earn?
Canteen boy smiles...
Senior Manager - what are your future plans?
Canteen boy keeps quiet...
Senior Manager - where do you see yourself 10 years down the line?
Canteen boy gives a cold stare.
Senior Manager - Jab mai Bangaloreaaya tha tab mere paas bhi kuch nahi tha.... Aaj mere paas kya nahin hai...
naam hai..........,
shohrat hai.........,
paisa hai............
Izzat Hai.............,
tumhare paas kya hai?
Canteen boy - Sa'ab mere paas bahut KAAM hai....
***
8. His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get
some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'
***
9. Husband and Wife had a Fight.
Wife called Mom : He fought with me again, I am coming to you.
Mom : No beta, he must pay for his mistake, I am coming to stay with You !
***
10. A guy and his girlfriend were going on a romantic long drive. Suddenly, the guy, who is driving the car pulls up on the side of the highway and comes closer to her in romantic mood.
His girlfriend asks, 'What are you doing? What if someone sees us here?'
The guys tells her, 'If you want we can go under the car and have our fun.' She agrees, but asks, 'What if someone sees us below the car?'
The guy tells her, 'Then we can tell them that we are checking for a leak in the gas tank.'
So under the car they go, and have the time of their life.
Some time later a cop comes and shouts to the couple, 'What the hell do you think you are doing?' So the couple give him the answer saying, 'We are checking for a leak in the gas tank.'
The cop shouts back at them, "You should have checked your brakes first. You car has rolled down the slope!"
***
11. A lot of ladies used to sit together every evening in a park and talk non stop.
One day they were sitting very very quietly.
A gentleman who would walk past the noisy group every day was surprised to see them all so quiet.
He inquired about this to which they replied,
"You see, today we are ALL present, so we don't know who to gossip about."
***
12. There was a student who was desirous of taking admission for the IIM study course. He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GD and was to appear for the personal interview. Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly.
The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy "Tell me your choice," he said to the boy, "What's your choice? I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind!"
The boy thought for a while and said my choice is ONE real difficult question."
"Well, good luck to you , you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. "Now tell me this. What comes first, Day or Night?"
The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said, "It's the DAY sir!"
"How?" the interviewer was smiling at last.
"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"
***
13. Boss: Do you believe in the afterlife?
Employee: Certainly not, there,s no proof of it.
Boss: Well there is now. After you left early yesterday to attend your uncles funeral he came here looking for you!
***
14. A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police.
Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department.
The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.
Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not too eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"
The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"
***
15. Who are boys ?
Jo marne ke bad, Nark me bhi Kehte hai
“Yamraj Ki Beti Dekh Patakha Hai Yaar"
Who are girls ?
Who goes to heaven n says “Apsara Ki Nail Polish Dekhi, How Cheap.."
***
16. A Husband & wife were sleeping when suddenly the wife woke up from a bad dream, and started crying.
Her Husband comforted her and asked why she cried,
she replied: “I had a dream that A very rich and handsome man kidnapped me from you.”
Husband “It is OK dear, it was just a dream ....”
Wife responded loudly: “ That is why I’m crying.”
***
17. God was in the process of creating the universe.
And he was explaining to his subordinates "Look everything should be in balance. For example, after every 10 deer there should be a lion.
Look here my fellow angels, here is the country of the United States.
I have blessed them with prosperity and money.
But at the same time I have given them insecurity and tension.....
And here is Africa. I have given them beautiful nature.
But at the same time, I have given them climatic extremes.
And here is South America. I have given them lots of forests.
But at the same time, I have given them lesser land so that they would have to cut off the forests...
So you see fellows, everything should be in balance.
One of the angels asked...
"God, what is this extremely beautiful country here?"
God said....... "Ahah...that is the crown piece of all. "INDIA",
My most precious creation.
It has understanding and friendly People.
Sparkling streams and serene mountains.
A culture which speaks of the great tradition that they live.
Technologically brilliant and with a heart of gold.....
The angel was quite surprised:
"But god you said everything should be in balance."
God replied -- "Look at the neighbours I gave them."
***
18. The boss calls his secretary & says" Get ready for the weekend.We are going on a business trip."
The secretary calls husband & says"Me & my boss are going on a business trip for 2 days so take care of yourself"
The husband calls his girlfriend & says."My wife is going on a business trip come home we can have fun"
The girlfriend calls the boy to whom she gives tuition "No tuition this weekend."
The boy calls his grand father "Grandpa at last we can spend this weekend together."
Grandpa (The boss) calls his secretary & says "Business trip is canceled.
I'm going to spend weekend with my grandson"
The secretary calls husband "I won't be going"
The husband calls his girlfriend "I am sorry My wife is not going "
The girlfriend calls boy "You have tuition"
Boy calls his grandpa & says "Sorry grandpa I've classes"
The grandpa calls secretary and...
***
19. Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
***
20. Employee: I Need Salary Increment. 3 Other Companies Are After Me.
Boss: Really ... ? Which Three?
Employee: Electricity, Telephone and Credit Card...!!
***
21. A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple".
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip, down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."
"We proceeded a little further and horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."
"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy? She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once."
"And from that moment.....we have lived happily ever after."
***
22. On their way to get married, a young Roman Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While anxiously waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married,
what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don ' t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What ' s wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, come ON!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it will take to find a lawyer???"
***
23. A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children,
and so was all mankind made.."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question..
The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, " Mom , how is it ossible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his"
***
24. A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says "What's this?" She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there." He goes, "Oooh....I..." She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
***
25. A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?" He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and (hold iron to ear) shhh! I accidentally answered the iron." The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?" He says, "Well, I had to call the doctor!"
***
26. A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting seasick. The doctor says, "Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock." The guy says, "Will that keep me from getting sick, Doc?" The doctor says, "No, but it'll look real pretty in the water."
***
27. A guy goes in to see a psychiatrist. He says, "Doc, I can't seem to make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?"
***
28. A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!" The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He says, "No! This is her husband!"
***
29. Jimmy and Kathy are newlyweds in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night, and Kathy's in the bathrom. As Jimmy's getting undressed he says to himself, "How am I going to tell her? How am I going to tell my new wife that I have the world's smelliest feet?" Then he throws his socks under the bed. Kathy walks out of the bathroom, and, too chicken to face her, Jimmy runs past her and *he* goes into the bathroom. Kathy sits on the edge of the bed and says to herself, How am I going to tell him? How am I going to tell my new husband that I have the world's worst breath? I've got to tell him." Just then Jimmy walks out of the bathroom. Kathy runs up to him, pulls back and says, "Honey, I've got to tell you something." Jimmy says, "Yeah, I know. You just ate my socks."
***
30. Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes. At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific." They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it." They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match-box?"
***
31. What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant.
***
32. A Policeman grabs a thief and taking him to Police station. The thief knows that the policeman likes cigarettes, so he plans to fool the policeman.
While on the way, the thief asks: Would you like to have a smoke?
Policeman: Certainly, but I do not have cigarettes.
Thief: I can go and buy cigarettes, you please wait here.
The thief goes to buy cigarettes and runs away.
After some days, the policeman catches the same thief again, and he is on the way to police station.
The thief plays the trick and asks: Would you like to have a smoke?
Policeman: Certainly, but I do not have cigarettes.
Thief: I can go and buy cigarettes, you please wait here.
Policeman: Last time you fooled me, but this time you cannot. Now I will go to buy cigarettes, you wait here.
***