Update 11
1. A interviewer asked the man “Tell the difference between “COMPLETE” and “FINISH”.
The man replied, “When u marry a right person you are “Complete” and when you marry the wrong one you are “Finish”.
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2. A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. “I’ve got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you,” he announced. “Will the laziest man please put his hand up.”
Nine hands went up.
“Why didn’t you put your hand up?” he asked the tenth man.
“Feeling too much lazy”, came the reply.
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3. When you take a long time, you’re slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.
When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.
When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.
When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.
When you take a stand, you’re being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he’s being firm.
When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he’s on business.
When you have one too many drinks at a social, you’re a drunken bum.
When your boss does the same, he appreciated women.
When you’re on a day off sick, you’re always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it ‘s because he’s overworked.
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4. Long back,
A person who sacrificed his sleep,
forgot his family,
forgot his food,
forgot laughter were called “SAINTS”
But now they are called….
….
….
IT professionals!
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5. 1.”We will do it” means “You will do it”
2.”You have done a great job” means “More work to be given to you”
3.”We are working on it” means “We have not yet started working on the same”
4.”Tomorrow first thing in the morning” means “Its not getting done “At least not tomorrow!”
5.”After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views” means “I have already decided, I will tell you what to do”
6.”There was a slight miscommunication” means “We had actually lied”
7.”Lets call a meeting and discuss” means “I have no time now, will talk later”
8.”We can always do it” means “We actually cannot do the same on time”
9.”We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline” means “The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time.”
10.”We had slight differences of opinion “means “We had actually fought”
11.”Make a list of the work that you do and let’s see how I can help you” means “Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me”
12.”You should have told me earlier” means “Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!”
13.”We need to find out the real reason” means “Well I will tell you where your fault is”
14.”Well Family is important; your leave is always granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected,” means, “Well you know…”
15.”We are a team,” means, “I am not the only one to be blamed”
16.”That’s actually a good question” means “I do not know anything about it”
17.”All the Best” means “You are in trouble”
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6. A disappointed salesman of Cold drink returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, “Why weren’t you successful with the Arabs?”
The salesman explained, “I had a problem I didn’t know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters…
First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand… totally exhausted.
Second, the man is drinking our Cold drink and
Third, our man is now totally refreshed.
Then these posters were pasted all over the place”
“That should have worked,” said the friend.
The salesman replied, “Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn’t realize that Arabs read from right to left…”
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7. A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.
On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: “Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!”
The voice from the other side responded: “You fool; you’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to?
“No” replied the trainee.
“It’s the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!”
The trainee shouted back: “And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?”
“No!” replied the Managing Director angrily.
“Thank God!” replied the trainee and kept the phone down…..
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8. Income tax officer gave tips to a young lady, “You should pay your income tax with smile.”
The lady replied, “I have tried it thrice, but every time they insist on cash or cheque.”
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9. In heaven, two men were discussing about how they died. First man asked the second, "How did you die?"
The second man replied " I died of severe cold."
Then he asked the first, "How did you die?"
The first man replied," I died of thinking. I kept on thinking on a problem and i died but i never found a solution to that problem."
The second said, " Its surprising! What problem did you have?"
The first said " Once I returned to my home, I heard noise of a man in my house. I doubted that my wife had a boyfriend. My wife opened the door after a while. I searched that man in my house in every corner but I could not find him. I kept on thinking on this and I died."
The second said, " If you would have checked into your refrigerator, then we both would have been alive today!"
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10. Ek lady Wasim bhai ke shop pe tota kharidne gayi…
lady: iski kya khasiyat hai?
Wasim bhai: ye bolta hai.
lady ne pucha: mei kaise lagti hu?
tota: to tho Chalu aurat lagti hai.
lady: ye tho bada badtamiz tota hai!
Wasim bhai tote ko ander le gaye aur pani mei duba ke pucha: bol sale ab buri baat karega?
tota: nahi, achhi baat karunga !
wo use bahar le gaya aur lady se kaha ab puchiye, ab achhi baat karega….
lady tote se: agar mere ghar 1 admi aye to tum kya sochoge?
tota: aap ka pati hai
lady: agar 2 admi
tota: aap ka pati aur dever
lady: agar 3 admi
tota: pati, dever aur bhai
lady: agar 4 admi
tota: pani le aao Wasim bhai maine tho pehle hi kaha tha ke
“yeh tho Chalu aurat hai!”
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11. A man & a woman who never met before, find themselves on upper & lower berth of a long distance train.
At 2 am, Man leans over saying,"Madam, sorry to bother you, Would you be kind enough to give me a 2nd blanket from the side table. Its awfully cold."
"I have a better idea", she replied, "Just for tonight, why don't we pretend that we are married !”
"Great idea Madam.". He replied in excitement.
She says,"Well then Get up & Take it yourself."
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12. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
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13. Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.
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14. How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
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15. This is the reason you find Indians in Finance, Business, Medicine, Engineering, IT ....anything to do with using your brain.
Mathematician: How to write 4 in between 5?
China: Is this a Joke?
Japan: Impossible!
America: The question's wrong.
UK: Not found on Internet.
India: F(IV)E
This is a Indian Brain.
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16. Power of Mathematics
One day a box wasn’t opening.
Lawyer came, applied all laws but it didn’t open
Chemist came, applied all reactions but it didn’t open
Physician came, applied all forces but no change
Even the biologist failed
mathematician came & said
.
.
.
Let’s Suppose the Box is Open ....
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17. Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two!
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"hi darling", he says, "your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom.
Hope you have said hello to them."
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18. A man found ALLADIN'S CHIRAG.
He rubbed it and a Jinn came out, he asked Jinn to increase his Wife's brain by ten times.
Jinn laughed and said, "multiplication does not apply on ZERO."
***
19. A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
`What's the matter, dear?' she whispers.
The husband says`I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
`Yes, I do' she replies.
`Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car? Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, `Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
`I remember that ' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, `Had I gone in jail, I would have been released today.`
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20. Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
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21. Never laugh at your wife's choices
You are one of them
Never be proud of your choices
Your wife is one of them
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22. A guy sitting with his girlfriend, drinking beer says, "I love you".
Girl asks "Is it you or the beer talking?".
Boy replies, "Its me. Talking to my beer."
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23. Position of a husband is just like a Split AC…
No matter how loud he is outdoor,
He is designed to remain silent indoor!
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24. Man: is there any medicine for long life?
Doctor: get married
man: will it help?
Doc: no, but it will avoid such thoughts.
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25. Santa ke lips jale hue the
Banta: Kaise jale
Santa: Wife ko railway steation drop krne gaya tha.
Banta: To?
Santa: Khushi ke mare.
Train ke engine ko choom liya !
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26. Wife on Mobile: kaha ho aap?
Pati: Tumhe wo jwellry shop yaad hai jaha tumhe 1 diamond ka set bahut pasand aya tha,
par mere pas paise nahi they.
aur maine wada kiya tha 1 din dilwaunga.
Wife: Khush hote huye.. Ha ha mjhe sab yaad hai.
Pati: Ha to usi shop ke baju wali shop pe baal katwa raha hu.
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27. Gunehgaar kaun..??
PATI aur PATNI so rahe the.
Achaanak,
PATNI sapna dekh ke chillayi..
“bhago mera PATI aa gaya”
PATI utha aur khidki se kud gaya.
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28. Nurse to patient with bleeding on head: Your name?
Patient: Pappu
Nurse: age?
Patient: 25 years
Nurse : Married?
Patient : No. No. Its Car accident!
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29. Wife pointing at a couple next door says to her husband:
Look at him he kisses her all the time, can’t u do that?
Husband : I tried but she slapped me.
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30. From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, “One month after I die I want you to marry Samy.”
“Samy! But he is your enemy !” “Yes, I know that ! I’ve suffered all these years so let him suffer now.”
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31. Doctor to patient's wife: “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Most importantly, make love to him regularly. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
Husband asks wife after she comes out from Doctor's room: "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
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32. Tips to reduce alcohol consumption
Before marriage, drink only on the days you are sad
After marriage, drink on only days when you are happy.
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