Update 2
1. A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge said that was true.
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
***
2. Dear Dad,
$chooli$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
A week later..... a letter from "home"
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
***
3. A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful! CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!”
The wife stared at him. ‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’
The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.
***
4. A married couple is driving along the highway doing a steady fourty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband abruptly looks across at her, speaking in a clear voice, and says, "Darling, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeping her eyes on the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again, saying this time, "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he demands.
Up to 65 mph. "I want the car, too," he continues. Up to 75 mph! "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards, the boat, and our dog!"
The car slowly begins veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
At last the wife replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says.
"Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what exactly have you got?
Just before they slam into the wall at 80 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles, "The airbag."
***
5. A milkman, who is dying in the hospital, is surrounded by his two sons, daughter, his wife and a nurse.
He says:
- To you, Peter, I leave the Beverly houses.
- To you, my dear daughter, I leave the apartments in the Los Angeles Plaza.
- To you, Charlie, being my youngest son with a large future, I leave the City Center offices.
- And you, my dear wife, the three residential buildings towers in downtown.
The nurse, impressed, tells his wife, "Madam, your husband is very rich. He is bequeathing many properties! You all are so lucky!!!"
And the wife retorts, "Rich??? Lucky??? Are you kidding me!!!?? He is a Milkman!!! Those are his routes where he delivers milk !!!!"
***
6. During an English lesson, the teacher notices that a boy was not paying attention to her.
Teacher:
Pappu, join these two sentences together...
I was cycling to school. I saw a dead body.
Pappu: (thinking for a while) I saw a dead body cycling to school.
***
7. Lady: Do you smoke ?
Man: Yes.
Lady: How many packs ?
Man: 3 packs daily.
Lady: How much is per pack for your brand?
Man: $ 8 a pack.
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Man: Almost 18 years.
Lady: So one pack costs $ 8 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $ 720. In one year, it would be $ 8640. Correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $ 8640, you collectively spent $ 155,520. Correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 18 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you smoke?
Lady: No.
Man: Where's your freaking Ferrari then ?
***
8. A man gifted his wife a diamond necklace for their anniversary and wife didn't speak to him for 6 months.
Was the necklace FAKE?
No! That was the deal !
***
9. A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant. As the food was served, the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat."
Wife: honey.....you say prayer before eating at home.
Husband: that's at home sweetheart......here the chef knows how to cook!!
***
10. Best Slogan on a MAN's T-Shirt :
"Please Do Not Disturb me,
I am Married and already very much Disturbed..."
***
11. A duck walked into a general store, waddled up to the counter and asked: "Got any peanuts?"
"No," said the assistant.
The following day the duck was back again, "Got any peanuts?"
"No," said the assistant firmly.
The next day duck came in again, "Got any peanuts?"
"No," yelled the assistant. "I've told you we don't have any peanuts. If you come back in here again and ask for peanuts, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor."
The next day the duck came in again, "Got any nails?"
"No," said the assistant.
"Good. Got any peanuts?"
***
12. A man walked into a bank, got in line and when it was his turn he pulled out a gun and robs the bank.
But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me Rob this Bank?"
The customer replies, "Well, yes!"
The bank robber raises his gun, points it at his head and shoots him.
He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, "DID ... YOU ... SEE ... ME ... ROB... THIS... BANK?"
The man calmly responds, "No, but my wife did."
***
13. LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY DOCTOR.....
Let me tell you about my doctor. He's very good! If you tell him you want a second opinion, He'll go out and come in again.
...
He treated a woman for yellow jaundice for three years Before he realized she was Chinese.
...
Another time, he gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the six months,the patient hadn't paid his bill, So, the doctor gave him another six months.
...
While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said, "Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible."
The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."
...
Another time, a man came running in the office and yelled, "Doctor, doctor! - my son just swallowed a roll of film!"
The doctor calmly replied, "Well let's just wait and see what develops."
...
One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem"
The doctor asked,"When did it start?"
The man replied, "When did what start?"
...
I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears.
His advice: "Don't answer it."
...
My doctor sure has his share of nut cases. One said to him,"Doctor, I think I'm a bell."The doctor gave him some pills and said,"Here, take these If they don't work, give me a ring."
...
Another guy told the doctor that he thoughthe was a deck of cards
The doctor simply said," Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."
...
When I told my doctor I broke my legin two places, he told me to stop going
to those places.
...
You know, doctors can be so frustrating.You wait a month and a half for an appointment,Then he says, "I wish you had come to me sooner."
***
14. The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland . It was absolutely wonderful. It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
Then they bought a bull to mate with the cow, to get more cows, so they would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow, but whenever the bull tried to mate with the cow, the cow would move away, No matter what approach the bull made, the cow would move away from the bull and was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to talk to the Vet. Whenever the bull tries to mate with our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches from the front, she backs off.If he attempts it from the side, she walks away to the other side.
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully. After pondering for a while, he asked, "Did you by chance, purchase this cow from Scotland ?"
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned that they had brought the cow from Scotland.
"You are truly very intelligentt", they said, "How did you know the cow came from Scotland ?"
The Vet replied with a very distant look in his eye, "My wife's from Scotland."
***
15. A man had his credit card stolen. He however decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
***
16. One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
“Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.
“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.
“Oh, well, you can come with me to my house,” instructed the lawyer.
“But, sir, I have a wife and two kids with me!”
“Bring them along!” said the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, “You come with us, too.”
“But, Sir, I have a wife and six kids!” he answered.
“Bring them, as well!” answered the lawyer, as he headed for his limo.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall!”
***
17. After directory assistance gave Anita, her boyfriend's new telephone number, she dialed him and got a woman.
"Is Jimmy there?" Anita asked.
"He's in the shower," she responded.
"Please tell him his girlfriend called," Anita said and hung up.
When he didn't return the call, Anita dialed again. This time a man answered.
"This is Jimmy," he said.
"You're not my boyfriend!" Anita exclaimed.
"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."
***
18. A guy was in a bar about as drunk as its possible to get. A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good and take him home.
First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down. He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.
After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door.
His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home."
The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"
***
19. A man died and went to heaven, As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall which had clocks on it behind him. He asked, " What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered," Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hand on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, " Whose clock is that?" That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man." And whose clock is that one?" St.Peterresponded,"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life." Getting curious he asked ,"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
***
20. Bob, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She hangs on Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all envious. They corner him and ask,
"Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
Bob says, "I lied about my age."
His friends are fascinated, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
***
21. After his return from Rome, Will couldn’t find his luggage in the airport baggage area. He went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that his bags hadn’t shown up on the carousel.
She smiled and told him not to worry because they were trained professionals and he was in good hands.
Then she asked Will, “Has your plane arrived yet?”
***
22. Girl in train: “Can I sit here?”
Boy: “It’s all yours.”
Girl: “Can I take some water?”
Boy: “My pleasure.”
Girl: “Which is the next station, brother?”
Boy: (angry) “I do not have GPS fitted in my head. Miss, you ask so many questions, better find some other seat...”
***
23. A little boy was in a taxi eating a chocolate, then he took another one and then another ...
A man next to him said "Do you know that too much of it will damage your teeth"
The boy replied, "my grandfather lived for 132 years"
The man asked " was it because of eating chocolate ?"
The boy replied, "No, he was always minding his own business ...”
***
24. A family was driving in their car on holidays. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out and takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road. The frog is grateful, thanks the man and tells him that he will grant him a wish.
The man says, "Please make my dog win the next dog race."
The frog asks to look at the dog, which limps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog only has three legs, it very fat, and can barely move at all so he tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish.
The man says, "Well, then please make my wife win the next beauty contest in the area. The frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car.
Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog.
The frog turns to the man and says, "Could I please have another look at the dog?"
***
25. Einstein was once traveling from Princeton on a train, when the conductor came down the aisle, punching the tickets of every passenger. When he came to Einstein, Einstein reached in his vest pocket. He couldn't find his ticket, so he reached in his trouser pockets. It wasn't there. He looked in his briefcase but couldn't find it. Then he looked in the seat beside him. He still couldn't find it.
"The conductor said, 'Dr. Einstein, I know who you are. We all know who you are. I'm sure you bought a ticket. Don't worry about it.'
"Einstein nodded appreciatively. The conductor continued down the aisle punching tickets. As he was ready to move to the next car, he turned around and saw the great physicist down on his hands and knees looking under his seat for his ticket.
"The conductor rushed back and said, 'Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don't worry, I know who you are; no problem. You don't need a ticket. I'm sure you bought one.'
Einstein looked at him and said, "Young man, I too, know who I am. What I don't know is where I'm going."
***