1. Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to become when you grow up?"
Little Johnny: "I wanna be a Billionaire, having an Infinite Visa Card, a Jet to travel through Europe, going to the most expensive Clubs, take my girlfriend with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a Million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana and a mansion in Paris".
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides to ignore what he said & continues further...
"And you, Susie?"
"I want to be Johnny's girlfriend!"
***
2. There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband. The women were asked, 'How many of you love your husbands?'
All the women raised their hands. When they were asked, 'When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?' Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn't remember..
The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their respective husband: I love you, sweetheart. Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.
Here are some of the replies:
1. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
2. What now? Did you crash the car again?
3. I don't understand what you mean?
4. What did you do now? I won't forgive you this time!!!
5. ?!?
6. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
7. Am I dreaming? ?
8. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today...!!!
9. I asked you not to drink anymore!!
and the best one ...
10. Who is this?
***
3. The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello..'
' Mrs. Sanders, please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV... We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?', questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town . . If he finds his way home . . Don't sleep with him.'
***
4. After partying with friends, a man came to his home late in the night.
His wife was furious and shouted: ”Would you like it, if you don’t see me for a few days?”
The Husband was amazed and replied ” That’s a fantastic idea”
Tuesday passed and he didn’t see her……
Wednesday and Thursday passed too…..
On Friday the swelling in his eye became better & now he could see her from the corner of one eye.
***
5. Men Are Like Bluetooth…
Always Connected When Wife Is Around…
The Moment Wife Is Away…
They Automatically Starts Searching For New Devices…
***
6. A man is traveling in a hot-air balloon and suddenly realize that he is lost. he shouts down to a man in the meadow, "Where am I?"
The man thinks for a bit and then replies, "You're in a hot-air balloon."
The balloonist says, "Well, you’re definitely a mathematician."
"How do you say that?"
"Well first of all, you took a while to think up a response. Second, your answer is logical. Third of all, it's completely useless."
The man below says "You must be in management."
"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
***
7. A computer programmer was going to the store. His wife said "Dear, would you buy a gallon of milk? And if they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer came back with a dozen gallons of milk and said, "They had eggs."
***
8. There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now writes error messages for Microsoft Corporation.
***
9. A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge Rs. 5000 to answer three questions!"
"Well that's a bit more, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"
***
10. What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years.
A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
***
11. Wife sent sms to husband on a day in December...
Wife: "Windows frozen."
Husband: "Pour some warm water over them."
Wife: "Computer completely screwed up now."
***
12. One friend: Hey dude, do you know what is Bing?
Other: Wait, let me Google it.
***
13. What is the tallest building in the world?
...
The library! Because it has the most stories!
***
14. A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for last 25 years".
***
15. John took his Dog to the vet.
"Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."
The vet stepped back, "John, why should I do such a terrible thing?"
"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."
***
16. What's the difference between a soldier and a teacher?
Top of Form
As a soldier, it is your job to kill people.
As a teacher, it is your job to try very hard not to kill people.
***
17. I didn't go to the gym today...
...The escalator there wasn't working.
***
18. Doctor: Hows your headache?
Husband: She's fine.
***
19. English Teacher: "You can't use the word 'because' three times consecutively in a sentence."
Student: “I can use it.”
After thinking for a moment, he replied, "You cannot end a sentence with the word because because because is a conjunction."
***
20. Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it's made a big difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of that clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
***