"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.": Sacha Guitry
"There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.” : Steve Martin
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.": Groucho Marx
"It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.": Spike Milligan
"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.": Socrates
"The General was essentially a man of peace, except of course in his domestic affairs.": Oscar Wilde
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.": Groucho Marx
"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe." :Jimmy Durante
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore ...
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence - A Life sentence!!
Marriage is when a man and woman become one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. ~ Milton Berle
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." ~ James Holt McGavran
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. ~ Hemant Joshi
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. ~ Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?" :~ Sigmund Freud
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." ~ Henry Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." ~ Sam Kinison
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." ~ Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. ~ Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... She will never let you forget it again.~ Anonymous
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. ~ Rodney Dangerfield
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. ~ Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." ~ Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive." ~ Anonymous
My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way. - Henny Youngman
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. - Henny Youngman
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a Man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.
A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a Millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
"A billionaire." she replied.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men.
It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be very hard.
In my case, it was almost impossible.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.
The man thinks for a moment and says," Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."
"Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage." ~ Ambrose Bierce
"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe." ~ Jimmy Durante
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. (Rita Rudner)
There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. (Clint Eastwood)
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want then, when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as women and then he turns them into Wives.
If u r married please ignore this message,
for everyone else: Happy Independence Day
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.
After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish.
Girlfriends r like chocolates,
taste good anytime.
Lovers are like PIZZAS, Hot n spicy, eaten frequently.
Husbands are like Dal Rice, eaten when there's no choice.
Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!
There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go through hell for her. They got married and now he is going through hell.
Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life!
Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offense!
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.~ David Hasselhoff
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
When a newly married man looks happy; we know why.
But when a man who is married for ten years looks happy - we wonder why.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Now some definitions in Marriage ...
Bachelor
1.A man who has been able to avoid the opportunity of making some woman miserable.
2. A man who is said to be foot-loose and fiancee-free.
3. A man who never made the same mistake once.
4. A bad boy who has cheated some poor girl out of her alimony.
5. A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
6. The only man who has never told a wife a lie.
Bride
A girl with great prospects of happiness behind her.
Compromise
A nice little arrangement between husband and wife whereby they both fully agree to let her have her own way.
Diplomat
A man who is able to convince his wife that a fur coat would make her look fat.
Gentleman
A husband who holds the stepladder tightly so his wife doesn't fall while she's painting the ceiling.
A man who notices his wife dropping her knitting and immediately kicks it over to her so that she can pick it up.
Housework
What a wife without anyone noticing it until she doesn't do it.
Husband
A man who has decided to give up privileges he never knew he had.
A guy who controls the house and everyone in it, and is allowed by his wife to say so.
Joint Checking Account
A great little device which allows a wife to beat a husband to the draw.
Love
An obsessive delusion easily cured by a wedding.
Mother-in-Law
A woman who slowly destroys a man's peace of mind by telling him what's on hers.
Mrs.
A job title involving long duties, very light earnings and zero recognition.
Spouse
Someone who will protect you, help you and help you solve all the problems you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
Wife
A partner who is always complaining that she doesn't have a thing to wear at the exact same time she complains about not having enough room in the closet.