12/13/2022

child's chain

as a child i felt that my stuffed animals were just as alive as i was in the same way that my cat or my sister were alive. not that i thought if i ripped them apart they would cease to think; not that i thought they spoke to each other when i wasn’t there. really, it was a constant guilt that kept me caring long past an acceptable age; i was the caretaker of a small army whose only needs were emotional. i held them and stroked them, apologized profusely for any transgressions; they never slept alone. 

our lives are filled with so much anger and vindication and desperation and failure and fault. the little girl i was a long time ago has been buried in it all for so long; i am never sure if i am the person i want to be. though i change every day, i am not sure if i have ever met myself in a position as pure as childhood. to allow myself to collect bears again, to buy toys for the sole pleasure of looking at them and deriving meaning from them, i allow myself to interface with my childhood on an incredibly individual level.

what is more self-fulfilling than play? 

Victoria Vincent, or Vewn, is a digital artist and animator whose pieces live on instagram and her youtube channel. She uses bright colors and unique palettes to convey incredibly emotional scenes in both her animated and still pieces; even stills convey motion through creative uses of perspective, texture and color. She plays unapologetically with angsty character design, incorporating graffiti, punk and alternative clothing, and evident substance abuse into each scene she cultivates. Her work connects with me on a personal level through her discussions of girlhood and the transition into womanhood, feline imagery, and the gratification of my desires for the consumption of gritty, raw art. 

making little stuff look big

09/08/2022***09:24 AM

inanimate object

pen: you know, there are a lot of other red pens. you should get better at throwing out garbage. 

pen: if you went to cvs right now, there would be a pack of pens just like me for 3.50. 

him: it's the principle of it; and the memories. you have a story. why would i want to throw away a red pen with a story that still writes?

[the pen is a nondescript BIC "round stic" - the type of pen that would be in the cup on a receptionist's desk, or next to a sign-up sheet at a mall. its outer casing which holds the ink and nib into place has cracked extensively; the only thing keeping the entire pen from falling apart is the cap, which is jammed onto the back end, holding the casing together with the pressure.]

pen: what do i matter to the story? everything you've written with me will still remain on the page. those stories will stay even after i am disintegrating in a landfill 200 years from now, after i've traveled the world one hundred times in the bellies of fishes; a poisonous plastic guest to the ocean that has overstayed its welcome into the wee hours of the morning.

him: do you just want to be free? is it to be in a cage to be mine? i've loved the time we've spent together

him: i think i love you

him: maybe that's too much. i don't know how i feel.

pen: the parking lot you found me in was beautiful. i watched the sun set every night there; it was orange. and purple and blue and yellow and pink. being purposeless is so free; so many people experience it every day. i'm jealous. i've never been anything but somebody else's. 

pen: without structure you lose protection. cars ran me over. i was lonely and i missed doing the work that i do. the parking lot became dull; colors only distract for so long.

pen: i'm not sure what i want

pen: i could spend the rest of my ink in your college classes, stretching across sketchbook pages, scratching messages in bathroom stalls. i could leave a mark. but i could also submit to the world. roll away and become forgotten again. to be thrown out and washed away, it's a freedom i long for again. 

him: i think you understand me better than anyone

him: i think i'll keep you

09/06/2022***07:52 PM

meaningful words 

i found my images from searching through the instagram hashtags of each word, filtered not by most liked but instead by most recently posted.